Gabriel's Inferno
What kind of devil am I?”
“You are nothing like him,” she hissed, her emotions getting the better of her. “He has no remorse for what he did to me, and given the opportunity he would do it again. Or worse.”
She took a deep breath and held it. “Gabriel, you made some mistakes.
You did terrible things. But you’re sorry for them. You’ve been trying to make up for them for years. Shouldn’t that count for something?”
“All the money in the world cannot pay for a life.”
“A life you didn’t take,” she countered, eyes flashing.
He hid his face in his hands. This was not how he expected this conversation to go.
Why is she still here? Why hasn’t she left me?
She stepped backward and watched him momentarily. She could feel the despair rolling off of him in waves as she frantically wracked her brain to find some way to reach him.
“Do you know Victor Hugo’s Les Misérables?”
“Of course,” he muttered. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“The hero abandons his sin and performs a penance; he looks after a young girl as if she were his own daughter. But all the while, a policeman hunts him, convinced that he hasn’t reformed. Wouldn’t you rather be the person performing penance than the policeman?”
Gabriel didn’t answer.
“Do you think that you should have to suffer for your sin forever?”
No response.
“Because it seems that’s what you’re saying — you won’t allow yourself to be happy. You won’t allow yourself to have children. You think you’ve lost your soul. But what about redemption, Gabriel? What about forgiveness?”
“I don’t deserve it.”
“What sinner deserves it?” She shook her head. “When I told you about what happened with him, you told me to forgive myself and let myself be happy. Why can’t you do the same thing?”
He looked down at the floor. “Because you were the victim. I’m the killer.”
“Let’s say that’s true. What would be an appropriate penance, Gabriel?
How would justice be served?”
“Fine. An eye for an eye would mean that you would have to save the life of a child. You’re responsible for the death of a child, so justice requires that you give back a life. Not coins, not presents, but life.”
He sat motionless, but she knew he was listening.
“You saved Paulina’s life, but I know you won’t count that. So you need to save the life of someone else’s child. Wouldn’t that pay for your sin? Or at least offer some kind of restitution?”
“It wouldn’t bring Maia back. But it would be something. It would make me less — evil.” Gabriel’s shoulders hunched in his chair as he hung his head low.
The pain in his voice almost rent Julia’s heart in two, but she continued bravely. “You would have to find a child who was in danger of dying and save her. And that would be atonement.”
He nodded slightly, stifling a groan.
Julia sank down on her knees, taking his hands in hers. “Don’t you see, Gabriel? I am that child.”
He lifted his head and stared at her as if she were mad, his watery eyes boring into her own.
“Simon could have killed me. He was so angry when I slapped him, he was going to break through my bedroom door and kill me. Even if I had called nine-one-one, they never would have arrived in time.
“But you saved me. You pulled him away from my door. You kept him from going back into the house. I am alive now only because of you. I am Tom’s baby girl, and you saved my life.”
He remained motionless, entirely without words.
“A life for a life — that’s what you said. You think you took a life, and now you’ve saved one.
“You have to forgive yourself. Ask Paulina to forgive you, ask God to forgive you, but you have to forgive yourself.”
“It isn’t enough,” he whispered, his great, sad eyes still wet with tears.
“It won’t bring your daughter back, that’s true. But think about the gift you gave Tom — his only daughter. Turn our debt into penance. You are not a devil, you’re an angel. My angel.”
Gabriel stared at her quietly, trying to read her eyes, her lips, her expression. When he was finished, he held his hand out and drew her into his arms, settling her on his lap. He held her for what seemed like forever as his tears spilled onto her shoulder.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I waited so long to tell you. I’m sorry my story is true. I’ve killed your faith in me. I know that.”
“I still love you.”
She tried to soothe him by murmuring in his ear, by letting him release his grief through his tears. And when his tears final y subsided, she touched the buttons of his white shirt and began undoing them quickly, before he could ask what she was doing. She peeled the shirt back from his naked chest and ran her fingers around his tattoo. Then slowly, very slowly, she lowered her lips to the dragon’s mouth and kissed it.
When she sat back, Gabriel stared at her in silent wonder.
“We both have scars. And maybe you’re right, they won’t disappear. But I am your atonement, Gabriel. My life is your gift to a father who could have lost his child forever. Thank you.”
“I’m a hypocrite.” His voice was rough. “I told Tom he was a terrible father. What kind of father was I?”
“A young one. An inexperienced one. You shouldn’t have been taking drugs. But you wanted Maia. You said so yourself.”
He shuddered as they clung to one another.
“Nothing I can say will bring her back. But if it would comfort you, I would say that I believe your little girl is singing with the blessed in Paradise.
With Grace.” She wiped his tears away. “I’m sure that Grace and Maia would want you to find love and forgiveness. They would pray for your redemption.
They wouldn’t think that you’re evil.”
“How can you be sure?” he whispered.
“I learned this from you. Canto thirty-two of Dante’s Paradiso describes the special place God has for children. Of such are the kingdom of heaven.
And in Paradise, there is only love and forgiveness. No hatred. No malice.
Only peace.”
He pulled her close and the couple, held one another tightly. Julia could not have imagined Gabriel’s secret. And although she was distressed with the way his melancholy disposition had fashioned his grief, his grief was something she could not deny.
She hadn’t loved a child only to see the child die. So she was moved with compassion for him and an abiding wil to help him recognize his own self-worth and to accept that he was loveable, despite his past sins. Seated on his lap with his tears still dampening her blouse, the picture that was Gabriel Emerson became strikingly clear. In many ways, he was very much a frightened little boy, fearful that no one would forgive him his faults. Or love him in spite of them.
But she would.
“Gabriel, you can’t be comfortable in this chair.”
He nodded against her shoulder.
“Come.” She stood up and took his hand, pulling him to his feet. She led him over to the sofa and encouraged him to sit down, while she flipped the switch for the fireplace.
He kicked off his shoes, and she coaxed him to stretch out lengthwise, resting his head in her lap. She traced his eyebrows and began running her fingers through his uncombed hair. He closed his eyes.
“Where is Paulina now?”
“In Boston. When I received my inheritance, I set up a trust fund for her and bought her an apartment. She has been in and out of rehab a couple of times. But she’s well looked after, and she went back to Harvard part-time a year or two ago.”
Gabriel gave her a puzzled look before recognition flashed across his face. “I forgot that you heard that call. She’d been drinking and got into a car accident. She was hysterical on the phone, and I thought I was going to have to fly down there. She only calls when she’s in trouble. Or when she wants something.”
“So what happened?”
“I ran back to my apartment, but before I left for the airport, I called my lawyer in Boston. He met her at the hospital and assured me that she wasn’t as badly injured as she led me to believe. But she was charged a day or so later. There was nothing I could do but hire someone to defend her.
She has been pretty good lately, but this happens from time to time.”
Perhaps it was the flickering glow of the fire. Perhaps it was the stress of having revealed his darkest secret. But at that moment Gabriel looked remarkably old and weary for his thirty-something years.
“Do you love her?”
Gabriel shook his head. “I don’t think my feelings count as love, although I feel something for her. She was never familiar to me, much to my shame. But I couldn’t abandon her. Not when her family was so far away and they refused to help. I was the cause of her problems and the possibility that she’ll never have another child.” His voice grew uneven, and he shivered.
“Is that why you decided not to have children?”
“An eye for an eye, remember. When she cried in my arms and told me, I made the decision. I had a hard time convincing a doctor to agree to perform the procedure; they all argued that I was too young and that I would change my mind. But finally, I found someone to do it. Strangely, it comforted me at the time.”
He reached his hand up to caress the curve of Julia’s cheek. “I told her about you. She has always been jealous, but she knows I can’t give her what she wants. Our relationship is — complicated. She will always be part of my life, Julianne. I need you to realize that. That is, if you still…”
She pressed their lips together. “Of course I still love you. You’re supporting her and helping her whenever she gets into trouble. That’s the honorable thing to do.”
“Believe me, Julianne, I am far from honorable.”
“Would you…tell me about your tattoo?”
He sat up so that he could remove his shirt, which he dropped unceremoniously onto the Persian carpet. He reclined on her lap and looked up into her eyes, which radiated acceptance and concern.
“I had it done in Boston after I was released from rehab.”
Julia kissed the dragon once again, very, very gently.
Gabriel inhaled sharply at the feeling of her mouth against his naked flesh.
She moved her hands to stroke his hair, hoping it would comfort him.
“What does the dragon represent?”
“The dragon is me or the drugs or both. The heart is mine, and it’s broken, obviously. Maia will always be in my heart. You probably think it’s horrible — to have such a morbid and ugly thing on my body. Permanently.”