Hard Beat

“That’s not really a question I can ask in an interview because it implies that I can discriminate if she is or isn’t married, but I did ask her if being away for extended periods of time for work would cause any problems. She said no and didn’t elaborate.”

“What about a wedding ring?” I ask, unable to give the topic up.

“Kind of hard to see when the interview was done over the phone. She was already freelancing. All I had were her bio with her picture, her portfolio, and an urging from the bosses to hire her.”

“You’re not giving me shit to go off… Can’t you look at her file, see what it says?” I hang my head back, my feet stopping as I come to the edge of the grounds lined with huge trees.

“I can’t. It’d flag HR, and they’d want to know why I’m looking at her info. Personal data is kept under lock and key around here since you guys are in the public eye.”

“Guess I shouldn’t expect anything less from you, should I? You used to break rules with me left and right to get what we needed. I guess when you slipped on that suit, you gave up your personality too.”

I end the call without another word and lean back against a short retaining wall behind me, not caring at all that I just hung up on my boss. My finger slides across the screen to those damn photographs again. When I pull up the one of the two of us together, I just stare at it as frustration builds inside me because there is no way in hell that moment was fake, that the happiness in our eyes and the smiles on our lips were not authentic. It takes all I have to tear my eyes from my phone and at the same time not throw it away from me in anger.

Instead, I sit there for a moment with my face up to the sun, enjoying the warmth since the heat here is so different than in the Middle East.

My phone rings again and I’m immediately pissed. I don’t want to speak to anyone, but when I look down and see it’s Rylee, I have to answer it.

“Hey, Bubs.” Shit, I sound like a dejected puppy dog.

“How are you feeling?” she asks with concern in her voice. It’s only been twelve hours or so since we talked last, since I reassured her and my mom and dad that I was completely fine, just a little worse for wear, but I know she’s a worrywart and is going to call me often. And in a sense I’m okay with that because everyone loves to know that they are loved. On the other hand, I’m not home much, and so I’m not used to her being in my business.

“I’m fine. Nothing I can’t handle.”

“How’s Beaux?” My hesitation must clue her in immediately, because before I can respond, she continues. “Tanner, is she okay?”

“Fuck, Ry.” My breath comes out in a whoosh as I try to find the words to tell my sister, the one person I’ve always tried to be a good role model for, that I fell in love with a married woman. What is she going to think of me now? “They think she’ll be okay… It’s gonna take some time but not as bad as I feared… but… my head’s all messed up…” I let my words trail off, anguish as prevalent as the uncertainty in my voice.

“Well, of course it is,” she says, misunderstanding my comment. “You just took a blast —”

“That’s not what I mean.”

“Talk to me.” Her simple statement means so much to me right now since I feel so very alone.

“How did I not know she’s married?”

“What?” I can envision from memory the look that’s probably on her face.

“I got here to the hospital, professed my love for her as she’s lying there, and then her husband’s fist met my face.”

“Oh shit,” she murmurs, those two words expressing what I feel perfectly. “You had no clue?” The shock in her voice fires so many emotions within me because of course I don’t want my sister to be pissed at me for something I had no control over.

“No, Ry. None. And a part of me thinks something is hinky here. Like she took this job to escape him.”

“Tanner…” She draws my name out in disbelief.

“I know, but I fell for her, Ry… and not just because she was there. We fought like cats and dogs at the beginning, but I really fell for her. She challenges me and makes me laugh and is a really good person and… damn…” I sigh because even as I’m telling my sister these things, I know she already hates Beaux for hurting me. “She was so closed off about her past, so adamant that it was bad and you know me, you know what a good instinct I have when it comes to people, so I’m just…” I force myself to stop rambling and try to hear myself through Rylee’s unjaded ears.

“Telling the truth is easy. It’s deceiving someone that’s hard work.” Silence fills the line as her words resonate with me. “Trust your gut, but just don’t be blinded by love when it’s founded on mistruths from the start.”

“When did you get so wise?” It’s my attempt to stop the advice I need but really don’t want to hear.

“The same time you got so handsome,” she says, a line we’ve exchanged a hundred times over the years that brings a small slice of normalcy to me right now when nothing seems normal.

“Ha. So that means forever.”

She laughs, but I can tell she’s trying to do me a favor in doing so, to lighten the mood some so that we hang up on a good note. “Tan?”

“Yeah?”

“I believe that you didn’t know,” she says softly, understanding how important that is to me. “Love you.”