Healed (Scarred #2)(12)
Author: J.S. Cooper

“He does love you, Lexi.”

“No he doesn’t,” I sobbed.

“He loves you in the best way that he can. Did you know he was addicted to meth?”

“What?”

“And he’s been in and out of jail. He did the right thing by you, Lexi. It may not seem that way now. But your life is better without him in it.”

“It just hurts inside. I don’t know why I’m so unlovable.”

“Oh, but Lexi, you’re far from unlovable.”

“It doesn’t feel that way. I just feel so empty and lonely inside.”

“You’ve had a lot to deal with. And a lot you’ve never dealt with.”

“I just don’t know how.”

“You’re not alone, you know.” She smiled at me gently. “Your loved one. He has a similar feeling in his soul. A hollowness he’s never shared with anyone.”

“Who? Bryce?”

“You’ll know when the time comes. You’re not quite as alone as you think. There are many secrets in families that some of us would never even guess existed.”

“I guess.” I sighed, suddenly tired. “So what do I do now?”

“I can’t tell you what to do.” She sat back and shook her head. “That’s not what I’m here for. I can’t make your decisions for you.”

“But can’t you tell me what the right decision should be?”

“I will tell you what you need to hear. I want you to make the decision that makes you happy. I want you to go outside and listen to the birds chirp and whistle, follow the light of the sun, touch the fragrant petals in my garden and breathe in the fresh air of nature. I want you to listen to the beat of your heart and then I want you to close your eyes. Go and lie in a meadow and stare at the sky. The answers will come.”

“Uhm, okay.” I frowned. I didn’t want to tell her that she hadn’t been very helpful but she really hadn’t. Next thing she’ll be telling me to listen to the whispers of a butterfly.

“Life is not quite as complicated as we try to make it, my dear. And friendships are never broken until we cut them.”

“I see.” I stood up, slightly frustrated. “How much do I owe you?”

“Nothing.”

“If you’re sure.” I walked towards the front door, feeling guilty and she patted me on the back and smiled.

“And dear, only the black swallowtails are worth listening to.”

“Uh, okay.” I walked out the door confused, wondering if perhaps she had dementia and if I’d been part of some elaborate ruse. As I walked to my car, I decided to pull out my phone and looked up black swallowtail on Google. I might as well know what she’s talking about.

“A butterfly.” I said aloud to myself. “It’s a butterfly.” I bit my lip and looked back at the house, wondering if she was a mind reader. I didn’t even know her name. I sat in my car for a second, unsure of where to go. I felt like I had been in her house for a few hours, but when I checked the time it had only been forty-five minutes. I rolled my window down and let the cool breeze flow into my car. I took a deep breath and let the scent of the road take over my senses. And then I started my car. I knew where I wanted to go. I wanted to go to Jonesville High, back where everything had started. I wanted to go to the football field.

***

I was alone in the field, feeling a little bit like a fool. I was twenty-two years old and lying in the middle of a high school football field. As I lay there, I realized that so many of my problems were related to Jonesville High. And that, perhaps, was a problem in of itself. I was twenty-two now. I shouldn’t be living in my past. I shouldn’t be living for the dreams and memories of my high school self.

I closed my eyes and I breathed deeply and then stared up at the sky. It was an off-white blue grey. It looked like it was going to rain, but I continued to stare until an overwhelming sense of wellbeing filled me. I felt light and happy and alive. I felt like there was nothing too big that I couldn’t handle. It was time for me to grow up. I was responsible for my own happiness in life. I couldn’t place blame on anything else. It was like my dream of being an actress.

I had always said I never really wanted to be an actress, but it was just a lie. I was scared of people laughing at that dream, it seemed so lofty and unachievable. So I pretended I only wanted to be one to be admired. I hadn’t even been brave enough to try out for the drama club in high school, even though I had gone to every play, secretly and by myself. That was a dream that I had never told anyone. Because I was scared. But I didn’t want to be scared any more. I didn’t want to be unsure.

And then his face popped into my head. And he was smiling at me. He was telling me that this was the moment I had to make a decision. And I could see the exact crinkle of his eyes as he smiled at me. That pure, genuine, loving smile. And I wondered how I’d never noticed the pain in his eyes before. I had studied them so much. But all I had seen was his façade.

And I thought of the morning and the anger and happiness I had felt being around him. And the confusion. And the pain. But, more than the confusion and the pain, I felt the happiness and the love. And I knew. I had always known. He was the one that I loved. He was the one that I was made for. He was my one and only. He always had been. I couldn’t believe that I had ever questioned it.

I jumped up and ran. I ran faster than I had ever run before. I had to go and see him. I needed to tell him that, no matter what happened, we could work through it. I needed him to know that I was here for him one hundred percent. The past didn’t matter. It would never matter. Jealousy had no place in our lives. Both of us would have to get over our insecurities.

I knew that, together, we could get through anything. I’d never felt so excited or scared in my life. I knew that he might not want to hear it. I wasn’t sure where his head was after everything that had happened, but I had a feeling I knew where he was and I was going to try my hardest to get him to talk. I wanted to get him to understand why I had been the way I was earlier. I knew I had hurt him. I knew he was hurting now. I didn’t know if I could take away his pain completely, but I could try to absolve as much of it as possible.

I tried not to speed as I drove, but I was anxious and excited. I saw the sign for Harpers creek and I gripped the steering wheel with a thudding heart. I had finally made a decision; a decision that I hadn’t consciously thought needed to be made in my whole life. It had taken being told that Luke had died to make me realize the depth of his importance in my life. And then, hearing him tell me that he loved me had broken me and I had wanted to scream at him, “Don’t do this, don’t do this. Not now. I can’t take this!” And it had killed me to see the pain in his eyes. But I also knew that Bryce was in need of my love more than anything in the world. My Bryce. The guy I had spent my whole high school life loving.