His to Take (Wicked Lovers #9)(140)
Author: Shayla Black

“Wow, you’ve done a lot of work on this place.”

Carlotta reached for a vase and filled it with water. “I have. How did you know?”

“It looks like you, cozy and pretty and . . .” There he went, sounding like an idiot again.

“Caleb helped me. We moved into this house late last year and have been renovating since. I’m glad you like it.” She put the flowers in the vase and set them in the middle of the rectangular island. “They look pretty. I am glad you stopped by. It is always good to see you.”

Her tone sounded somewhere between distant and dismissive. Joaquin gritted his teeth and reminded himself that he was only reaping what he’d sown.

“Mamá, I came to talk to you, if you can spare a few minutes. Please. I know I’ve been a lousy son—”

“Let us be clear. A good man . . . but not the best son.”

The mother he’d last known would never have stated her feelings so bluntly. Joaquin supposed he had Caleb to thank for that. “I’m not even sure I’ve been a good man. I met this woman . . .”

“So I heard.” Her voice turned cold again.

And Caleb had undoubtedly struck on that front, too. “Your husband told you about Bailey?”

“He did.”

His mother wasn’t going to make this easy for him. He shouldn’t have expected that she would. “I’d like to talk to you about her. You understand women . . . and you understand me.”

“What is it you wish to know? Do you need me to tell you that you have behaved like an ass? Because I will. The girl has been through a great deal.”

“She has.” He couldn’t disagree.

“And you put her through more still, leaving her when she needed you.”

Joaquin hung his head. “I know. I realized this morning that I’m afraid to, you know . . . care about people.”

“Your father’s death came at a difficult time in your life. You worshipped him. I always believed that you struggled to recover from the shock and sorrow.”

Yep, his mother understood. “I didn’t recover at all.”

“You did not. I tried to help you, but you refused to let me.”

He shrugged. “I shut you out. Hell, everyone. I really never let a soul back in. And now, I don’t know what to do.”

“Kata said as much.”

For once, Joaquin was glad that his little sister had meddled. “I almost lost Bailey yesterday.”

His mother took a long moment in answering. “You did. Be thankful that her harrowing experience and near death did not affect you because you have not allowed her truly into your heart.”

Her crafty answer took him aback. “Um, that’s not true.”

“So it did not hurt because you have no wish to commit to her and do not love her?”

Joaquin winced. “I thought protecting myself from emotion would prevent me from feeling anything, but yesterday, when I thought I’d lost her? I couldn’t take it. I felt as if my whole life had ended. As if I couldn’t take another breath without her. It scared the hell out of me.”

Those terrible moments when he’d been sure she was dead stabbed his heart all over again. The sheer, utter terror was something he’d never, ever forget. The worst part was that he needed to stop shutting himself off from everyone and he didn’t know how.

“Her life almost ended as well. Do you not think she was frightened? Did you not think she would need comfort and support?”

“I didn’t think at all.” And that gnawing shame ate at him. “How did you do it? You loved Dad. How did you cope when the other half of your heart was no longer there?”

A sad smile flitted across her face. “At first, I did feel as if my life could not go on. I felt sure I would never smile or love again. After a time, I realized Eduardo would never have chosen such an existence for me. He was always full of life and love. I missed him terribly each and every day. Sometimes, I still do. But after his death, I had to be available for you kids. I had to learn to go on. I had to allow myself to heal and risk loss again. You must enter any relationship knowing there will be pain.”

“I don’t know how to set myself up for that. It seems stupid to stand there and wait for something terrible.”

“Maybe so, but you will miss everything good if you never get involved with anyone. You will miss the years of smiles and warmth, of touching, support, kind words, laughter, and consolation simply to avoid that one moment of pain.”

“Dad’s death has lasted more than a moment. It’s been forever.”

“Because you never tried to move on. To live or love again. Do you think that is what your father wished for you?”