Ignited (Most Wanted #3)(33)
Author: J. Kenner

“What did he do to you?” Cole asked, the words so precise they scared me with their clarity.

I didn’t want to remember. Didn’t want to go there. But it needed to be said, and Cole had a right to know what was wrong with me. And so I clenched my hand tight at my side, and began.

“I was clueless the first time it happened,” I said. “I’d gone to bed and Roger had stayed up to watch a movie—we didn’t usually stay in hotels where you could rent movies, and he’d been poking around in the R-rated titles. I don’t remember what he found. I don’t even know if it matters. All I know is that I’d fallen asleep. And then I’d awakened to this sensation—it was Roger’s fingers in my underwear.”

“What did you do?” His voice was slow and even.

“Nothing,” I said, my voice low. “I was confused and scared and I just sort of stayed there. I was on my back, just sleeping in a long T-shirt and underwear, and so I just pretended to still be asleep.”

Cole said nothing, but his body had gone tense, and I knew the signs of his temper. If Roger had been in that room with us, I’m not entirely sure he would have been able to walk out of it.

“Go on,” Cole said, once the silence had hung between us for what seemed like forever.

“He—well, you know,” I said. “He touched me.”

“Did he penetrate you?”

I shook my head, drawing strength from the way Cole was keeping his own temper in check. I could talk about this, yes. But only if I could keep emotion out of it.

“No,” I said. “But he did other stuff. He played with me. Explored me. I’m not sure if he was just curious or if he was trying to get a reaction, but I kept my eyes closed and kept my breathing steady, and just pretended I was asleep. But I wasn’t.” I drew in a shuddering breath. I hated these memories. Hated going there. But I wanted Cole to understand.

Beside me, Cole took my hand. He said nothing, but that steady pressure was enough to urge me on.

“I could hear him breathing. And it started coming faster and faster, and the bed shook just a little. And then he gasped and sighed, and then finally he went back to his own bed.”

I pressed my fingertips to my eyes. “I didn’t realize until later that he was jacking off, but I do remember that I was scared. Not that he’d hurt me—not scared like that. But terrified that he’d know I was awake.”

“You don’t have to go on,” Cole said. “If you don’t want to talk about it—”

“No,” I said firmly. “I do. I mean, I don’t. Not really. I wish I could tell you without telling you. But I want you to know. I want you to understand. And—and in some weird way it feels good to get it out.”

“I’m glad,” he said, then squeezed my hand.

“Anyway, the next night we were still at that hotel. And I tried to stay awake. I like to tell myself that I planned to scream at him to keep his paws off me, but that wasn’t the truth.” I pressed my lips together, then sucked in air for courage. “And this is the part I really hate, because the truth is that I was ten and that meant that I was a walking petri dish of hormones.”

“And what he’d done was horrible, but it felt good.”

I looked at Cole in wonder. “Yes,” I said. “Oh my god, yes. And as I laid there faking sleep, part of me was scared he’d do it again—but I think a bigger part of me was scared that he wouldn’t.”

“That doesn’t make you bad,” Cole said. “You were a little girl.”

“I know. I do. But . . .” I trailed off with a shrug.

“I’m guessing he didn’t keep his hands off you.”

“You guessed right,” I said. “The next night he got into my bed again. And he touched me and teased me, and this time my fear was less. And that meant I felt more of what he was doing to me. And it felt pretty amazing, you know? All this incredible sensation that just flowed through me, building and building like roses climbing the wall of a sensual garden.”

I looked at Cole, but he said nothing.

“I liked the way it felt,” I admitted. “And I liked that this was what grown-ups did. And I liked that it made me feel special. But I also knew that it was bad. Shameful. And that he was bad. But that I was worse for liking it.”

“Jesus, Kat,” Cole said when I confessed that.

I shook my head. “I was a kid. I was just figuring stuff out. I’m telling how it was, not how it is.” I clutched tight to his hand. “But thank you.”

I slid back into the memories. Back into the story. Whether by plan or luck, Roger never got me so worked up that I reached orgasm. But the nights became a ritual, and damned if I didn’t look forward to it.

“And then there was this one night. I don’t know why, but he touched me longer, and it all kept rising up, the way it does when you’re building, you know? And I was right there, and I could tell that it was different this time. And part of me was terrified and wanted it to back off. But another part of me wanted the feeling, because I could tell something was happening, and I wanted to know. I wanted to feel.”

“You came,” Cole said, and I nodded.

“I tried to hold it in, but there was no way. I cried out, and my body shook, and when I opened my eyes, Roger was staring down at me.” I squeezed my eyes shut in defense against the memory. “He looked horrified. Disgusted. And I swear I’m surprised that his look didn’t reduce me to dust right then.”

“Kat,” Cole said, then raised my hand to his lips and kissed my palm. That was all he did, but it was enough. It gave me the strength to finish.

“That was the last time he touched me,” I said. “If we hadn’t been traveling together, it would probably have been the last time he spoke to me. As it was, they were only with us for a few more months. I’ve never seen him again. I don’t even know his last name. But I guess technically, before you, I did come once with a guy. Thank you, Roger.” I shrugged, as if to suggest that this was all in the past and had no more effect on my day-to-day life than the price of Oreos in China.

Naturally, Cole wasn’t buying it. “Baby,” he said, then pulled me to him. He stroked me, telling me he was sorry. Making me feel cherished and special.

And, damn me, I started crying again.

“Sorry. Sorry,” I repeated, wiping the tears away. “I get weird when someone takes care of me. It’s not something I ever got used to.”