Ignited (Most Wanted #3)(59)
Author: J. Kenner

“What does that mean?”

“It means that no one gets a cut of any real income without being fully inducted. And no one is inducted until they’ve popped their cherry. More than that, though. One night wasn’t enough. No, you had to be fully initiated. And that’s where Anita came in.”

“She was your first.”

“In so many ways.” His voice was raw. Hateful. “She liked pain. Serious pain. Giving and receiving. Cigarette burns. Wire pulled tight around your cock. Knives. Straws jammed up your urethra. God knows what up your ass. She was a sadistic, masochistic bitch, and she tied every single goddamn orgasm to one of her fucked up games.”

I shook my head, not really willing to believe that what he was saying could be true. “She made you—”

“There’s a parabola of pain, you know. After a period of time, it turns to pleasure. Not just the kind of pain I’ve shared with you. But real pain. Torture pain. The kind of pain that pulls state secrets and turns spies. But you cross a line, and that torture doesn’t work anymore, because the victim has slipped over into euphoria. So if you want to fuck up somebody’s sexual wiring, then you take a kid—a kid who’s barely had a hard-on much less an orgasm—and you wind him up and jack him off over and over. You make it hurt, then you make it feel good, then you make it hurt again—” His voice had gone hard, and now it broke. “Shit,” he said.

“You don’t have to tell me any more,” I said.

“But I do, because with me there was more than just the way her fucked up games messed with my mind and rewired everything that gets me hard. She pushed my limits with sex—and couple that with the shit my mother left me with—impulse control problems, anger management, all the bullshit that lingers when you’ve got that goddamn ‘crack baby’ label. Makes me like a goddamn bomb just waiting to explode and you can damn well bet that sex is one of the triggers.”

He paced to the end of the room, then came back and started the circle again. I watched him, my heart breaking for the boy he’d been and the man he’d become.

Finally, he stopped in front of me. “Bottom line is I’m fucked up.”

“No,” I said, standing so that I could press my hands to his face. “The bottom line is that you’re the strongest man I know.”

“Kat—”

“No,” I said fiercely. “Don’t you dare argue with me. Maybe you are fucked up. So what? I mean, who isn’t? But you’re not screwed up like that. You don’t take it that far. You don’t explode—not really. You don’t hurt yourself or me like that.”

I could see that he wanted to interrupt, and so I pressed a fingertip to his lips. “You’ve defied your past in so many ways, Cole.” I kept my voice gentle, hoping he could understand how much I meant these words. “You’re not the least bit like Anita. She’s inhuman. But you’re not. You’re just the opposite,” I said as I drew my arms around him and pressed my cheek to his chest. “I know, because you’re the best thing that ever happened to me.”

His body was stiff against mine at first, and then I felt his lips brush my hair and his arms go around my waist. He relaxed, his body molding to mine. “Christ, Kat,” he said. “You unravel me.”

My heart swelled, and I clung to him a moment longer, then pulled back so that I could see his face. “Come back to bed,” I said. “I want you to hold me.”

“How could I ever let go?”

I moved to the bed and drew him down, then lost myself to the simple feel of his arms around me and his skin against mine. “I like this. Just being next to you. It’s nice.”

“Yes,” he said after a moment. “It is.” He stroked his fingertips lightly over my shoulder. “The hard and the wild burns through you, so intense you never want to let it go. But these soft moments . . . they’re what give you the fuel to burn in the first place.”

I shivered, moved almost to tears by his words. “You really are an artist,” I said, my voice soft. “You paint beauty not just in pictures but in words.”

“Maybe. Or maybe it’s just that you’re my muse.”

Since I liked that thought, I closed my eyes and tried to drift off. One question kept bugging me, though, and so I finally gave in to my curiosity. “Cole? Are you still awake?”

“Mmm.”

“About the pain—do you need it, too? I mean, being on the receiving end?”

For a moment he was silent, and when he answered, his words were oddly flat, as if he feared he might scare me off if he made too much of the question, much less the answer. “I have,” he said. “But that’s not something I’d ask you to do.”

I thought about that, then rolled over. I pressed my hand to his chest, wanting to feel the beat of his heart thrumming through me. I was awed by all he’d told me. Not only the bare facts but the emotions and need behind it.

“If you do need it,” I whispered, “you only have to ask me. You say I’m yours, Cole, but you’re mine, too.” I drew in a breath, hoping he understood how completely I meant these words. “And I will always give you what you need.”

“I know,” he said. “Thank you.”

I nodded, satisfied. He still hadn’t said that he loved me despite my confession. But he’d told me his secrets. He’d trusted me with his past.

He’d opened his heart, and he’d let me claim it.

And with a man like Cole, who holds his secrets close, that was the essence of love.

twenty-one

I woke to Cole’s large hands brushing over my naked body.

“Mmm. Good morning.”

“Go back to sleep,” he whispered. “I’m heading downtown to meet with Charles. I didn’t want to wake you, but I couldn’t leave without touching you.”

I took his hand and pressed my lips to his palm. “I’m glad.” I propped myself up on my elbow. “You sure you don’t want me to come?”

“To come?” he repeated with a devious gleam in his eye. “Always, and about a thousand different ways. But if you mean to join me downtown, then no. It’s not necessary. Not if you trust me.”

“You know I do.”

“I’ll tell you the entire plan once it’s firm. But I want to make sure everything is on track. That Charles didn’t come across a snag.” He reached out and ran a strand of my hair through his fingers. “I want to take care of this for you, Kat. I want you to know that you can come to me and say ‘I need this,’ and be certain that whatever it is, I will make it right for you.”