It Ain't Me, Babe

But then I felt it. His hard crotch against my stomach.

He was aroused.

He wanted me… carnally.

And at that moment, I moaned—I wanted to give myself to him too. And Lord forgive me, but instinct drove my actions and I dug my nails into his arms, lost in his touch.

With every passing second, his kiss grew more frenzied, like this was it, like this kiss was all we would ever have. This time everything was different. The boy River had grown into Styx the man and, despite his flaws and his harshness, he was all I wanted. All I had ever wanted.

I was completely consumed by his every touch, his taste and smell, and at that moment, I gave my soul whole-heartedly, to a sinner.

His right hand began tracing down the front of my tank, my stomach clenching under his touch. His hand dipped lower, plunged past my waistband, his fingers cupping between my legs—flesh against flesh. My legs braced in shock, but when a low grunt vibrated in my mouth, I gave in and his hand began to move along my folds. A whimper slipped up my throat, and I began to rock. I felt strange. Too hot, but not hot enough. Styx’s fingers moved too fast, yet not fast enough. Tingles spread up my thighs and arms. I could feel I was teetering on the precipice of something great… something huge… like nothing else.

My hands ran up the strong planes of Styx’s muscled back, to his ribs, counting each one as I passed, then finally stroked down the front of his stomach, his muscles contracting and his head snapping back on a hiss, breaking from the kiss. As I watched the cords of muscle strain in his neck, the sound of the brothers leaving the water broke me from my gaze.

This was not right.

Lord, what am I doing?

Reality gradually seeped back into my body like a pail of iced water being thrown over my head. Pressing both palms on Styx’s chest, I pushed him back, his fingers slipping from my leathers. Styx, caught off guard, stumbled backward, surprise in his hazel eyes until they narrowed. His body tensed and he marched back over and his hands cupped my face in a vise-like grip.

“Wh-why… wh-why did you st-stop?” His nostrils flared as he fought for control of his words.

“Please… It is too fast. I… I do not know what I am feeling. It is too much, too soon. And… You came here with Lois. This… us, like this, is not right.”

He let out a single, humorless laugh. “Sh-she’s not my w-woman. She’s j-just a f-fuck. She d-don’t matter.”

“Styx. She matters. How can you be so unfeeling?” I scolded. “To you she may mean nothing, but Lois; Lois loves you. I cannot—I will not—be with you like this. It is not right.”

Dropping his hands, he drew back two steps before hissing, “Y-you like him?”

I frowned in confusion. “Who?”

“R-Rider!” He began pacing. “I-I saw y-you. Y-you like him.”

“I—”

“I-I came to s-see you f-first thing this m-morning, wh-when I g-got back. D-door was open. Y-you were with him. L-laughing. Y-you were t-too close. I-I d-don’t f-fuckin’ like it.”

I sucked in a sharp breath. “Styx, how can you say that to me when you are here with Lois?”

He stilled. “Th-that’s your p-problem? L-Lois? Fuck, M-Mae. D-done.”

I did not get a chance to say anything in response. Instead, Styx stomped off, leaving me alone in the woods, breathless and wet between my legs. I tipped my head to the sky, catching my breath. Why was I so wet between my legs? Why did I ache… there? Why was everything on the outside world so hard to understand, these new feelings impossible to decipher? A lump clogged my throat, but I fought back my tears. I chose to leave The Order. I simply had to learn to adjust to all of… this.

I immediately made my way back to the waterfall in a daze. When I broke through the cover of trees, Styx was already back at his bike, shirt and cut back on, and Lois stood beside him, tears in her eyes as she watched him sign. Her arms were wrapped over her chest as though to shield herself from his words.

“Please, Styx. Don’t do this to me. You’re all I have left. I wanna be with you… just you. You know this,” she begged, checking no one was watching. But we all were. They were causing quite the scene. My heart broke at the utter devastation in her voice, the gutting expression on her pretty face.

Styx’s hands moved again, a tired, defeated look on his face, until he glanced over at me and it softened a fraction.

Reality dawned: he was giving her up for me.

Oh… no… Lois…

Lois followed the line of his vision and all hope seemed to drain from her body. She turned back to Styx. “It’s because of Mae, ain’t it?”