Keeping the Moon(35)
Author: Sarah Dessen

“You look great,” he said again. “You know, I’ve been meaning to ask you . . .”

Just then I saw Josh, walking with a group of guys. He was laughing, and then, somehow, he saw me. And smiled.

“. . . how you’d feel about sitting for a portrait. You know, for my series.” Norman was still talking. I could hear him, but I was still watching Josh, who was watching me. “I’ve got to finish it in the next couple of weeks, and I thought . . .”

“That would be great,” I said. Josh waved. I waved back.

“You think?” Norman said. “ ’Cause I really didn’t know how you’d feel about it.”

“Great,” I said again. Josh and his friends stopped by a bonfire further down the beach. He turned back and gestured for me to come over.

“Okay, great,” Norman said. “When can you start? I mean, you could come down later tonight or something. I make great hot chocolate. I have this hot plate. It’s world-known.”

“Yeah, okay,” I said, hardly listening; I just knew he was saying something about chocolate. “I should go.”

“Great!” There was another pop and crackle overhead. “I’ll be up late, so just come whenever.”

“Right. I’ll see you later, Norman.”

I picked my way back to our blanket, as the fireworks got louder and louder.

“Finally,” Isabel said when she saw me. “What took you so long?”

“Nothing.” I dropped the six-pack next to her and sat down beside Morgan, who was peeling the label off her beer and yawning. Then I turned and looked back. Josh was still watching me.

“Come on,” he mouthed, waving. His friends, some of them with girls now, were all grouped around the fire, smoking cigarettes and laughing.

“What is that look on your face?” Morgan said. “Colie?”

I stood up. I was ready to walk over there, to a cute boy with brown eyes who I’d met under the falling sparks of an Independence Day.

“Come on,” Josh said.

This was where it started.

“I’m going to go,” I said out loud, and Morgan looked up at me. “I—”

Then I saw her. Caroline Dawes. She stepped out from behind one of Josh’s friends, turning her head to look in my direction. And she saw me, her nose instantly wrinkling in distaste, as if she’d smelled something bad.

“Come on,” Josh said again, waving me over, insistent now. There was another burst of color and light over my head.

But I froze, my eyes on Caroline, who looked from me to Josh and then to me again. She reached out and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around. And then she said something.

“Colie?” Morgan said. “What is it?”

It was happening again. No matter what I did, or how the world changed for me, all it took was Caroline Dawes to ruin everything.

Then I heard Isabel.

“Colie,” she said, and her voice was very clear through the noise swirling around us. “Go.”

“I can’t,” I said. I knew then that she had seen Josh bump into me and everything else. And she’d recognized Caroline Dawes when she stepped out from beside that fire and showed herself.

“Go,” she said again. And she nodded her head towards Josh. “Now. Do it.”

“What is going on?” Morgan said. “What are you guys talking about?”

But Isabel just watched me. And I remembered all the times I’d let Caroline Dawes ruin my life. That first dance, and the boy who’d imitated me. And, finally, I thought of my mother, standing before thousands of caterpillars, believing them into butterflies.

“Go,” Isabel said again. I could tell by her voice, by the way she looked at me, that she knew I would.

And somehow, I stood up and I went.

It was like I was dreaming as I walked across the sand, past all of the upturned faces, the sky coloring over them.

Josh was waiting for me by the bonfire. Caroline stood off to one side, her arms crossed over her chest. She was laughing.

The fireworks were reaching their peak now. I could hear “The Star-Spangled Banner,” its tinkly notes rising and falling with each boom and crash. In the midst of all of the noise and color, I told myself I had to look at Caroline Dawes. Every other time she’d been mean I’d let her words just sink down over me, like a blanket shaken out by the corners. But this was going to be different. Whatever she said to me, I would take head-on.

I remembered Isabel, the day she’d taken me home and begun to set me straight. And I saw her tap her temple with one finger, her face close to mine, saying: Believe in yourself up here and it will make you stronger than you could ever imagine.

And my mother’s words: Being self-confident doesn’t necessarily start inside. It starts with the rest of the world, and leads back to you.

Then, with one huge, spectacular explosion, the fireworks were over. And the crowd cheered and clapped, whistling with appreciation.

I stood up straight, put my shoulders back, and looked at Caroline Dawes.

This seemed to throw her. I looked at her hard, focusing on the white and brown of her eyes. They were just normal, nothing more. She didn’t look away, but I didn’t expect her to. We stared at each other for what seemed like a very long time as everyone started to pack up and walk to their cars. The show was over.

“Hey,” I heard Josh say. He took a few steps toward me. “What took you so long?”

“I can’t believe you,” Caroline said to me in her snarky voice. She was really too pretty a girl to be so ugly. “You don’t belong here.”

I didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to. Just being there was enough, for now.

“She’s a slut,” she told Josh, and I watched how her mouth twisted with the words. “Everyone knows it at home.”

And Josh glanced at her, then at me. I suddenly realized I didn’t care whether he believed her or not. I didn’t care what happened next. I had faced the enemy. The rest of the battle was just details.

“You’re pathetic,” she said to me, and started to turn away.

“And you’re such a bitch,” I said back. And I laughed, surprised at how my voice sounded, strong and steady. “I feel sorry for you, Caroline.”

“I hate you,” she snapped.

“You should get over that,” I told her. And I imagined Isabel, eyes closed, saying these same words. “It’s unhealthy. Just let it go.”

Her mouth fell open.