Lock and Key(38)
Author: Sarah Dessen

It was weird to be living in such sudden largess, especially after the yellow house. Instead of stretching a pack of pasta over a few days and scraping together change for groceries, I had access to a fully packed pantry, as well as a freezer stocked with just about every entrée imaginable. And that wasn’t even counting the “pocket money” Jamie was always trying to give me: twenty bucks for lunch here, another forty in case I needed school supplies there. Maybe someone else would have accepted all this easily, but I was still so wary, unsure of what would be expected of me in return, that at first I refused it. Over time, though, he wore me down and I gave in, although spending it was another matter entirely. I just felt better with it stashed away. After all, you never knew when something, or everything, might change.

Cora had compromised, as well. After much discussion—and some helpful lobbying from Jamie—it was decided I could work for Harriet through the holidays, at which point we’d “reconvene on the subject” and “evaluate its impact on my grades and school performance.” As part of the deal, I also had to agree to attend at least one therapy session, an idea I was not at all crazy about. I needed the money, though, so I’d bitten my tongue and acquiesced. Then we’d reached across the kitchen island, shaking on it, her hand small and cool, her strong grip surprising me more than it probably should have.

I’d been thinking about my mother a lot, even more than when she’d first left, which was weird. Like it took a while to really miss her, or let myself do so. Sometimes at night, I dreamed about her; afterward, I always woke up with the feeling that she’d just passed through the room, convinced I could smell lingering smoke or her perfume in the air. Other times, when I was half asleep, I was sure I could feel her sitting on the side of my bed, one hand stroking my hair, the way she’d sometimes done late at night or early in the morning. Back then, I’d always been irritated, wishing she’d go to sleep herself or leave me alone. Now, even when my conscious mind told me it was just a dream, I remained still, wanting it to last.

When I woke up, I always tried to keep this image in my head, but it never stayed. Instead, there was only how she’d looked the last time I’d seen her, the day before she’d left. I’d come home from school to find her both awake and alone, for once. By then, things hadn’t been good for a while, and I’d expected her to look bleary, the way she always did after a few beers, or sad or annoyed. But instead, as she turned her head, her expression had been one of surprise, and I remembered thinking maybe she’d forgotten about me, or hadn’t been expecting me to return. Like it was me who was leaving, and I just didn’t know it yet.

In daylight, I was more factual, wondering if she’d made it to Florida, or if she was still with Warner. Mostly, though, I wondered if she had tried to call the yellow house, made any effort to try and locate me. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to talk to her or see her, nor did I know if I ever would. But it was important to simply be sought, even if you didn’t ever want to be found.

What is family? I’d written in my notebook that first day, and as I opened it up now I saw the rest of the page was blank, except for the definition I’d gotten from the dictionary: a set of relations, esp. parents and children. Eight words, and one was an abbreviation. If only it was really that easy.

Now Ms. Conyers called out for everyone to get to work, so I turned to Olivia, figuring I’d hit her up first. She hardly looked like she was in the mood for conversation, though, sitting slumped in her chair. Her eyes were red, a tissue clutched in one hand as she pulled the Jackson High letter jacket she always wore more tightly around herself.

“Remember,” Ms. Conyers was saying, “you’re not just asking what your term means literally, but what it means to the person you’re speaking with. Don’t be afraid to get personal.”

Considering Olivia was hardly open on a good day, I decided maybe I should take a different tack. My only other option, though, was Heather Wainwright, on my other side, who was also looking around for someone to talk to, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go there.

“Well? Are we doing this or not?”

I turned back to Olivia. She was still sitting facing forward, as if she hadn’t spoken at all. “Oh,” I said, then shot a pointed look at the tissue in her hand. In response, she crumpled it up smaller, tucking it down deeper between her fingers. “All right. What does family mean to you?”

She sighed, reaching up to rub her nose. All around us, I could hear people chattering, but she was silent. Finally she said, “Do you know Micah Sullivan?”

“Who? ”

“Micah Sullivan,” she repeated. “Senior? On the football team? Hangs out with Rob Dufresne?”

It wasn’t until I’d heard this last name that I realized she was talking about Jackson. Rob Dufresne had sat across from me in bio sophomore year. “Micah,” I said, trying to think. Already, my classmates at Jackson were a big blur, their faces all running together. “Is he really short?”

“No,” she snapped. I shrugged, picking up my pen. Then she said, “Okay, so he’s not as tall as some people.”

“Drives a blue truck?”

Now she looked at me. “Yeah,” she said slowly. “That’s him.”

“I know of him.”

“Did you ever see him with a girl? At school?”

I thought for another moment, but all I could see was Rob Dufresne going dead pale as we contemplated our frog dissection. “Not that I remember,” I said. “But like you said, it’s a big place.”

She considered this for a moment. Then, turning to face me, she said, “So you never saw him all over some field-hockey player, a blonde with a tattoo on her lower back. Minda or Marcy or something like that?”

I shook my head. She looked at me for a long moment, as if not sure whether to trust me, then faced forward again, pulling her jacket more tightly around her. “Family,” she announced. “They’re the people in your life you don’t get to pick. The ones that are given to you, as opposed to those you get to choose.”

Since my mind was still on Micah and the field-hockey player, I had to scramble to write this down. “Okay,” I said. “What else?”

“You’re bound to them by blood,” she continued, her voice flat. “Which, you know, gives you that much more in common. Diseases, genetics, hair, and eye color. It’s like, they’re part of your blueprint. If something’s wrong with you, you can usually trace it back to them.”