Love’s Suicide(24)
Author: Jennifer Foor

I will cherish the night we spent together and remember it every day for the rest of my life.

Please don’t look for me. I’ve decided to finally go out and make my own decisions for once. I want to move forward and start fresh where I won’t be judged for loving you. Just know that no matter where I end up, you will always have a piece of me.

Some people say that love never dies. If that’s true then I hope you can forgive me for walking away from it. I know I’ll never be able to forgive myself for this.

I would do anything to take back the last few years and be with you, instead. If I had known what I know now there would never have been a question as to who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. It’s always been you, Brooks. I’ve known that I loved you since our first kiss. Maybe even before it. Denying it will always be my biggest regret. I know what we could have had together and it kills me inside.

This is my goodbye. It will be the last time you ever hear from me again. Please tell your family that I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I hope in time they can forgive you. After all, you’re the son they should be praising, not your brother. In fact, you’re the most brave, beautiful man I’ve ever known. Don’t let my actions change that.

I’m sorry and I love you,

Katy

With trembling hands I wrote his room number and name and handed it to the bellhop before we pulled out of the hotel valet slot.

After the two-hour ride, where I sobbed and tried to explain the whole story to Melissa, we pulled up at the apartment.

Since I didn’t know where Branch was or if he was coming to murder me for embarrassing him, I hurried inside and started packing everything that I’d be able to fit inside my tiny car. I grabbed clothes, jewelry, toiletries, and one picture collage of the three of us throughout the years growing up. Melissa helped me carry out several bags before she left me alone to say a final goodbye to the life I was leaving behind.

I played with the engagement ring on my finger and finally took it off. Then I grabbed a sticky note and wrote the words “sorry” on it. After putting the ring and my cell phone on top of it, I took one last look around the room and closed the door behind me.

Melissa was in the driveway waiting. Her face showed that she was not only still my friend, but also a concerned one at that.

“I guess this is it?” she asked as I approached. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“I don’t have a choice. They’re the only family I have and I know they hate me.”

“Will you call me when you’re safe?” I felt bad that she was concerned.

“I’ll send word your way that I’m fine. I’ll try to keep in touch.”

“This isn’t goodbye. I’m going to hunt you down if I have to.”

I hugged her tight. “Thank you for today and everything else. I’m sorry I lied to you.”

She pulled away. “Given the circumstances, I get it. Don’t worry about me. You take care of yourself.”

She waved as I pulled away, and to be honest, I seriously contemplated driving myself off a bridge. I had nothing to live for; no reason to continue going on. The only thing that was coming my way was pain and loneliness and it was all my fault. I was a horrible person that needed to suffer for hurting them.

I don’t remember half of my drive, or even the fact that I’d crossed over state lines twice. All I knew was that I was sitting in front of a country restaurant and it was dark outside. Opposite the building, there was a motel lit up with the word “Vacancy.”

I parked my car and checked my face, realizing that it was completely swelled and impossible to hide. Then I walked inside to get a room.

Thirty-seven dollars later, I was walking inside a room that looked like a horror movie had been filmed in it. Unable to care about anything, I fell down on the bed and let out the rest of the tears that I had in me. Exhaustion had taken over and I was tired of fighting it. My last thoughts were of Brooks and how twenty-four hours before I was in his arms.

I hugged the pillow and fell asleep, unable to accept that I’d walked away from the only family I had left.

Chapter 13

Waking up in a filthy motel only reminded me of how messed up my life was. I hadn’t just given up on my love life. I’d left everything behind.

School.

Friends.

Family.

Everything!

I sat up and looked around the room, noticing the old wallpaper was peeling in the corners. Just being inside of a place so dilapidated made me need to take a shower. After going outside and getting my toiletry bag, I locked the door, attached the chain and headed into the bathroom. A roach was crawling around the bottom of the tub and I was too tired to even care. I turned the water on and watched him circling around the drain. That was how I felt; like my whole life was circling around a drain, waiting to be drowned by misery.

I waited for the water to get hot and the bug to have fallen down the opening before stepping inside. The hot water fell over top of my traumatized body. I closed my eyes and tried to recuperate enough to run the soap over my skin. As my hand stroked my arm, I thought about Brooks touching me. I imagined the way his lips had felt against my skin.

Just seconds after stepping in, my legs gave way. I fell down and crouched myself into a ball, then buried my face between my legs and let out even more agonizing thoughts. It wasn’t just the fact that I was completely alone. I was utterly broken.

I’d destroyed my life, and I wished that I had enough guts to take a bottle of pills and douse them in a bottle of alcohol, knowing that when I closed my eyes they would never open again.

I felt as if I’d reached the lowest point in life and that trying to overcome it wouldn’t just be impossible, but it was unattainable.

I stayed in the shower until the cold water became unbearable. Shivering, I climbed out and dressed into something comfortable. My journey wasn’t over. It had only just begun. My motivation was finding distance and I knew the further I drove it would better the chance of them never being able to find me. I wanted to be invisible, so they could pretend that I didn’t exist.

After checking out, I got back on the road, stopping at a branch of my bank to withdrawal all of my funds. It was a good thing that I used a well reputable bank with locations in all fifty states, otherwise I would have been screwed. It wasn’t like I was able to think rationally. There was too much running through my head all at once.

All I knew was that I couldn’t leave them clues. I couldn’t have them searching for me and finding me, because I’d left a trail of receipts. I needed to remove the evidence and never use the account again.