Love’s Suicide(36)
Author: Jennifer Foor

I walked by him, heading into the kitchen. He followed and was waiting for an answer. It was hard being around him, even though he wanted us to get along. “If you could watch her while I decorate the cake, it would be a huge help.”

“Sure.” He walked B into the living room and I could hear them playing.

Bobby wasn’t always offering a hand to me. When he found out I’d left he began threatening me, saying I could never make it without him.

Then he found out about my money.

I didn’t blame Dave and Sarah for not being able to keep a secret. The money that I’d given them had paid off all of their bills and they were in the process of upgrading their kitchen.

When his shock wore off, and he realized that without money to hold over my head, he had nothing left to barter with. He knew that it was my choice if I wanted him to see B at all.

Since then he’d put himself into therapy and was doing everything he could to get back in my good graces.

The thing was that I knew that what Bobby wanted was for me to love him; something I knew I’d never be able to do. It hurt me to watch him in so much pain. No matter how he’d acted to me, B was everything and without her he seemed lost.

Since the separation, he’d stopped hanging out with Dave and spent most of his time alone, drinking. In some ways I felt responsible for his downfall and it was the main reason that I’d asked him to come over for the party.

Bobby had sacrificed so much to be with me. In the beginning he hadn’t expected much, but since I’d offered it, and then rejected him, it had done something to the man. He’d changed.

I knew he’d come into the kitchen, because I could see him out of the corner of my eye. “What’s up?”

“I was wonderin’ if after the party you and me could talk.”

I shrugged and kept writing on my daughter’s cake. “I guess. What do you want to talk about?”

“I miss you, Katy. I miss you and B so much. I know I’ve been a bastard to you, but I’ve been in therapy, and I’m doin’ good. I want our family back.”

I looked up at him, astonished he would have the balls to ask me for another chance. “I don’t think that’s a good idea. You said you changed before and we both know how that turned out.”

He got down on his knee and I remembered the last time he’d been in that same position in this very kitchen. “Please. I’m not askin’ you to move right back in. I just want to be around you. It’s been Hell bein’ at the house by myself every night. I miss you bein’ with me and the way it felt to wake up next to you. I just wish you could understand what it was like to love you so much. I wish you could be in my shoes and know how hard it’s been, day after day wantin’ you to feel somethin’ that ain’t never goin’ to happen.”

I sat the cake decorator down. “Can we please discuss this after the party? Now is not the time or place.”

He sighed and got back up off the floor. “Yeah. Sorry.”

I watched him walk out of the kitchen and heard him lighten up when he got close to the baby.

Did I feel sad for him?

Of course I did.

He’d been with me for my whole pregnancy and held my hand when she was born. He’d gotten up with her at night and she was always the one thing that could bring a smile to his face. Imagining him at home in that house all alone must have been torturous.

It was a good thing that Sarah came in to break my salty mood. We carried everything outside and sat the kids at the picnic table, while Dave and Bobby started to cook on the grill.

B had climbed down and was playing with their old dog. She’d pull his ears and he wouldn’t even make a sound. The more she did it, the less he paid any attention to her.

I swooped her up and spun her around, getting a kick out of her laughing. When I sat her down, she looked drunk and fell down on the ground. “B, are you ready to eat?”

“Apple.”

Everything that was edible was called an apple. After attaching the chair to the edge of the picnic table, I sat her down and gave her tiny pieces of hot dog. She grabbed them up into both of her hands and started shoveling them in her mouth.

Then I spooned some macaroni and cheese onto her tray and watched her smile. “Is that your favorite, sweet girl?”

B clapped and hot dog particles flung all over my face.

When I knew she was content with her food, I made myself a plate and sat across from Bobby, who was already stuffing a burger into his mouth. I couldn’t help but notice him watching me, reminding me that I’d broken his heart. He didn’t understand that mine was also in the same shape.

I wanted to be able to count on him, because after everything I’d been through, he’d given me hope. Instead, after he’d hit me three separate times, I was left with scars that would never heal; the internal kind.

I wanted to forgive him, because inside of that angry man was someone that could be gentle and adoring.

My little Brooklyn took her time digging into the cake, at first. Then she let her face fall in it. I recorded the whole thing and knew that once she was older I’d play it back and remember how cute she was.

Her first year had gone by so fast and I was blessed to have such a healthy, well behaved baby. Now that she was starting to walk around, I had a bunch of obstacles. The first priority was getting the trailer baby-proofed. She’d started putting everything in her mouth and one of the newest things she was doing was sticking her fingers in any openings she could find.

B fell asleep at the table. I had to wake her up to get her clothes off and wash her, but she fell back asleep without a fight. Sarah helped me do all the dishes and put the extra food away, while the guys stayed outside watching the kids.

“So, Dave told me Bobby’s really been tryin’.”

I dried a dish and put it away. “Yeah, he is. He asked me if we could talk tonight. I told him it was alright.”

Sarah stopped washing the dishes. She turned around to face me. “My dad seems to think the therapy is helpin’.”

I shot her a dirty look. “Isn’t that supposed to be private?”

She smiled and tried to look innocent. “Well, we’ve known him for years. I wanted to be sure he wasn’t a danger to himself.” She grabbed my hands. “Katy, I think you should give him another chance. He’s working really hard at getting better and we’ve never seen him so upset before. I’m not sayin’ that you should move right back in, but maybe you could take things slow. Go to a few anger management meetings with him. Show him that you still care.”