Love’s Suicide(45)
Author: Jennifer Foor

That’s when everything went very wrong very fast.

The guy turned, enough for me to see his face and the resemblance was uncanny. He was still far enough away and I knew part of it was because I wanted it to be him so much.

I finally caught eyes with him and felt myself getting dizzy. The next thing I knew I was lying down on the grass with a bunch of people around me. I sat up quickly, looking out frantically for the soldier, but he wasn’t anywhere around me.

This was the second year in a row that I’d passed out over seeing a soldier. I seriously needed mental help.

“Katy, are you alright, darlin’? You passed out?”

I nodded and looked over to see him holding B’s hand. “I don’t know what happened.” I lied.

The truth was that I’d gotten myself so worked up that I made myself believe that Brooks was not only alive, but in the same small town as me, walking around as if nothing had happened.

“Do you want to go home?”

I felt horrible and going home would have been the best medicine, except I wanted B to see the fireworks. “No. I’ll be fine. I didn’t eat all day and I felt dizzy.”

Bobby took B and went to get me something to eat, while I sat under a tree feeling like an idiot.

Sarah came running up, seeing if I was alright. “Girl, what happened to you? Bobby said you collapsed. Are you feelin’ alright? Do you think you’re pregnant?”

“No. I’m not pregnant. I just got my period yesterday.”

“What is it then? Were you feelin’ bad? Do you think it’s the heat?”

It was pretty hot out, but I knew that the weather wasn’t the reason for me losing my head again. “No. I think I’m just going crazy. Sarah, I could have sworn I saw Brooks. I know it wasn’t him and that he’s gone, but I swear it was him.” I started to get upset. “What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just let go? Every time I feel like I’m doing good, something brings me right back down.”

She wrapped her arms around me. “Healin’ takes time, Katy. You of all people should know that. Sometimes, you need to take a deep breath and thank God for all the things you do have in your life.” She pointed to Bobby and B. “You’ve got two people right there that love you to pieces. Maybe instead of dwelling on the things you can’t change, you could focus on the beautiful life you already have.”

I smiled at her. “I do love them, you know. Bobby’s been my knight in shining armor. Without him I don’t know where I’d be.”

She patted me on the leg. “I’m glad you gave him another chance. He seems real happy.”

I looked up and saw them walking toward me. Bobby smiled and I did too. “We both are.”

They sat down beside me and B had an ice cream that she was licking. “More chocolate?”

Bobby kissed me on the cheek. “Anything for my girl.”

He handed me a sandwich and opened one for himself. Sarah stood up as I bit into mine and savored the pit beef and barbeque sauce.

“I’ll see you all later. Dave’s over there buyin’ the kids sparklers. I just know it’s a terrible idea, but you know how men are. They’ve always got to be the ones to buy kids dangerous things, like pellet guns and things that require bein’ lit on fire.”

We waved goodbye and I turned my attention back to Bobby. He reached over and wiped the sauce off of my face. “You feelin’ better?”

I smiled. “Everything’s better when you’re with me.”

I meant it too.

Everything was better.

Chapter 26

July 6th, 2013

It had been months since I’d gotten my last letter from Brooks, and I was so sure that there wouldn’t be any more, but two days after my episode at the celebration, I was staring at a letter in my mailbox that had been postmarked in February.

I felt nauseous.

When I headed inside, and checked on my sleeping daughter, I sat down at the kitchen table staring at it, as if it was my mind playing tricks on me again. How, after all this time had something gotten lost in the shuffle and then reappeared when I was trying so hard to move forward.

Even without opening it, the damage was already apparent. I couldn’t sit there and lie to myself. Assuming that it had gotten lost, why would the Lord be so hard on me? Was I really that bad of a person that I needed to be reminded everywhere I turned that Brooks was dead and he wasn’t coming back? Was it some sign that I was on the wrong path in life? Did God or my parents from up above somehow have other plans for me besides my life with Bobby?

Whatever the case was, I knew that opening the letter was going to destroy any progress that I’d made.

An hour had passed and I was still sitting there, avoiding the tears and doing my breathing exercises. As I looked over at the clock a second time, I was sure that I needed to get up and leave the note intact.

To say that I went about my day as if nothing had happened would have been a lie. No matter what I was doing, I was thinking about that envelope and what could be inside. After hours of trying to reason with myself, I was sitting back down at the table, staring at it again.

My hands were shaking and my entire body felt cold. It was a terrible decision, albeit I was making it anyway, on account of having to know what it said. My heart yearned for one more acknowledgement of his love for me.

I tore open the envelope and started unfolding the paper. After closing my eyes and giving myself a few minutes to relax, I opened them again.

The first thing I noticed was that it wasn’t his handwriting.

Dear Kat,

Sorry it’s been a couple weeks since I wrote you and I know you’re probably wondering why my handwriting sucks so bad. I will first start by saying that I’m alright. You can stop worrying about me.

My left hand, the trusty one that I’ve done everything with my whole life, is out of commission.

It was a late night call and none of us had gotten much sleep. My lieutenant had us running into building that had been attacked, retrieving any living bodies we could find. I came across this father, holding a little girl tight in his arms. As I approached, I realized that he’d shielded the impact and lost his life protecting her.

After prying her out of his rigged hold, she started to scream, as if I was there to harm her. Everything happened so fast after that. I started running, holding her in one arm and my gun with the other. I got to the corner of the building when I heard the grenade being thrown. The only problem was that it was so dark I couldn’t see the direction that it had rolled. Knowing that any second it was going to blow, I threw myself over her, blocking her with my arm and hands from injury.