Love’s Suicide(53)
Author: Jennifer Foor

“I promise you that I’m not going anywhere. You may not believe me, but I love you, Bobby. I owe you so much and I want you to be able to come home knowing that we’re in this together.”

I meant what I said. I wanted him home with me.

“Are you sure it’s what you want?” I hated that he couldn’t accept I was sincere.

“Yes. Come home to me and B. We need you.”

After we’d hung up, I went and stood at the door, waiting for Bobby to pull down our long driveway. I think it pleased him to see me standing there watching out for him.

As soon as he took that last step onto the porch, I was outside wrapping my arms around him.

He pulled away and brushed the hair away from my face. “Let’s get you inside.”

I held Bobby’s hand as we walked to the bedroom. We were both too exhausted to change into pajamas. I stripped down to my underwear and climbed under the covers, watching Bobby do the same thing. He pulled me close against his chest and ran his fingertips over the skin on my back. “I’m scared of losing you, Katy. It’s not even of question of if. It’s a question of when. I’m not a fool. No matter how much you love me, he’s still the one. He always will be. I can’t compete and I’m thinkin’ that I’d rather pull myself out of the game before you yank it all away from me.”

I sat up and looked into his pain stricken eyes. “Don’t talk like that. Please, Bobby. Close your eyes and hold me. It’s you that I wanted to be with tonight, not Brooks.”

Bobby sighed, but right away I could hear him crying. It hurt me so much knowing that no matter how much I tried to deny it, my feelings for Brooks weren’t going to go away. It was important to be true to my husband, but if Brooks wanted me, I didn’t know if I’d be able to reject him. Knowing that killed me and I vowed to do whatever it took to spare my marriage. After all, B deserved to have both of her daddies in her life. That I was sure of.

She woke us up at about eight, after sleeping for only a few hours. I left Bobby in bed so that he could sleep in while taking her out into the kitchen to give her breakfast. She was such a happy little girl, always smiling and filling me with joy. It was good that she was still so young though, because I’d never want her to have to go through all of this while understanding the seriousness of it all. Besides, she’d end up hating me for it and I never would want that to happen.

I noticed she was looking all around the house and turned to look behind me, thinking Bobby had woken up. “What is it pretty girl?”

“Where man, Mama?”

My stomach twirled around hearing her asking where Brooks had gone. Of course, when she’d fallen asleep he was with her and now he’d vanished. In her eyes she probably assumed he was magic, like some of her cartoons.

“He went bye byes.”

She turned and looked out the window.

“Sweetie, he’ll be back later. You’re going to be seeing him every day. How exciting is that? Mama’s so happy for you.”

My daughter turned and her eyes were lit up with excitement. She’d only known him for several hours and already she was infatuated with him.

I heard Bobby cough and turned to see him standing there behind me. The sheer pain in his face brought me to the brink of emotional despair. He’d heard what I’d said to B and it had broken his heart even more than it already was and I didn’t know what to say or do to make it better.

Without a single word, he took his cup of coffee and walked out of the room, leaving me to sit there and regret ever talking about Brooks to his daughter.

After she was done shoveling eggs and bananas into her mouth, I washed B’s face and let her out of her chair. She went running into the room, looking for her dada. I heard him get excited when he saw her and I walked in to find him rolling on the floor with her. She was laughing and holding him as he playfully tickled her belly.

Then, all of the sudden he stopped. Bobby just lay there staring at B. He brushed her face with the back of his hand. “Dada loves B so much.”

B giggled. “B lob Dada.”

Her sentences were getting better, but her pronunciation was still hard to decipher at times. Still, that was as clear as day.

She touched his whiskered face and he lost it.

His head fell onto her body and he sobbed like I’d never seen a man do. He turned and looked at me, his eyes soaked with anguish. “I don’t want to lose you. Dada loves you with all his heart.”

Finally, when it became confusing for B, I had to literally pull him away from her. He seated himself down in a recliner, while she followed us and climbed on his lap. I sat on the chair next to them and watched her wiping away his tears. “No cry.”

She was so confused and didn’t like seeing him in pain. Watching her responding to his emotions was heartbreaking. I wished I knew a way to make it all disappear, but I didn’t. To make matters ten times worse, Brooks was going to be showing up in the afternoon to take her somewhere and I hadn’t even told him that part yet.

He was at a breaking point, so fragile and yet so destructive bottled into one man. At any moment he was going to lose it and I feared the outcome.

I could deal with emotional Bobby, but I couldn’t deal with the side of him that filled with rage. If it peeked its ugly head out, it would change everything.

I had to keep him in the loop, and feeling like he was a part of all of this. Our happiness depended on it and I wasn’t going to take it lightly. The three of us adults had an opportunity to give our little girl the best life possible, if we could work together.

“Bobby, why don’t you go back to sleep for a while? You’re so tired and there’s nothing going on this morning that’s important.”

“You trying to get rid of me,” he joked.

“Of course not.” I reached over and stroked his thick dark hair. “I just know when I’m tired my emotions get crazy. If you were better rested you’d see that both of your girls are right here where we belong.”

Bobby looked at B when he spoke. “I’d rather you go and get some rest. Me and B are goin’ to watch cartoons for a while, aren’t we?”

She shook her head and got excited when he grabbed the remote.

I stood up, knowing he wasn’t going to change his mind. If he wanted alone time with her, I was going to give it to him. After all, when he found out Brooks was coming to do the same thing, he’d be happy knowing he had her all morning.

I leaned over and kissed him on the head. “If you need me, just call.”