Love’s Suicide(72)
Author: Jennifer Foor

I shrugged. “Of course, it would be wonderful, but I think you’re assuming that they’ll forgive me. I hurt them, Brooks. Just because you’ve forgiven me doesn’t mean they will.”

“Kat, I love you and I love B. I don’t care if it’s been four days of four years. Nothing is going to change for me. Don’t you get it? You’ve given me everything and you still think that you’re this horrible person. You’ve always been a part of my family and you know it. Family forgives.”

“I am a horrible person.” He needed to stop forgiving me for everything. “Brooks, I ran away from everything, had a child that you never knew about, and let another man, who beat me on occasion, raise her. What part of that is forgivable?”

He put his hand over my lips. “All of it. It’s true, but you also assumed that we were through. Then you thought I died. If something ever did happen to me, I’d want you to find happiness. Besides, after seeing you for five minutes, I knew you were still in love with me. After that, I didn’t care so much. Granted, I was pretty pissed that first night.” I thought about him coming home, probably showing up with flowers, and there I was hugging and kissing on my child and another man. I imagined the bomb that caused his heart to explode into pieces. Then, to make matters worse, I called the police because his truck kept appearing.

The whole time, I’d never considered it could have been him, because out of stupidity I’d assumed he’d died.

“I could spend the rest of my life apologizing to you and it will never be enough.” I hated myself for what I’d done. Bobby had been a mistake from the beginning. I can’t believe that I’d let myself fall for him and considered having his child. The thought made me cringe. “What if we don’t work out? What then?”

“First of all, I’ve already forgiven you, at least for the Brooklyn part. Now, me being a guy, I can see where you’d think that Bobby was a good catch. He seems nice on the outside and, given your circumstance, I can understand how him offering to take care of you was a good idea. What I don’t understand is how you could let someone physically hurt you more than once. That is what bothers me. It’s the only thing that I can’t let go of, especially since I’ve spent my whole life looking out for you.”

“I’m weak. Losing you broke me. Knowing what we could have been shattered my soul. Once I knew I’d made a horrible mistake, I just ran. I didn’t stop driving until I was sure that I wouldn’t be found. Facing any of you would have been impossible. I thought I had things under control, but I started getting sick and then I discovered I was pregnant. I know my decisions were prompted by desperation. I’ll admit to that. I’ll also admit that after time, I developed feelings for Bobby; feelings that may or may not have blinded me from a lot of things. The problem with falling for someone else was that I knew I was letting you go. When I thought you’d died, I snapped. I think a part of me died with you that day, even though you obviously weren’t dead. I gave up hoping and settled for what I already had. Was it a mistake? Probably. At the time, I didn’t have many options.”

“Not until I showed up,” he added.

He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. They fit perfectly together, as if they were made to be connected.

I squeezed his hand and looked up at him again. “When I found out you were alive, I didn’t even tell him. I ran right to you. I had to see you, to touch you and know that it was real. You can’t imagine what I went through. I was miserable. It was hard to even take care of B. My heart hurt for her never being able to know you. I couldn’t let go, because I wanted to believe that someday we’d be together. I’ll always run to you, Brooks. It’s why I know that this time is different. Our time apart taught me that my life is nothing unless you’re in it. B needs her real father, not a replacement. She needs to grow up understanding what real love feels like. I will do anything to make what I did up to you and prove that no matter where I was, or who I was doing it with, I never gave anyone my whole heart. I fell in love with you when we were children and it’s never gone away.”

He laughed and looked right at me. “Me too.”

I shook my head and smiled. “No, I think I even remember the exact moment. We were all three in the tub together. I guess we were around five. I’d asked my mother if she’d stop making me take baths with you two, because Branch made fun of me all of the time. Remember he used to point at me and laugh because I was different?”

Brooks smiled and pulled me closer against his chest. We both looked over to make sure B was still sleeping. “Yeah, I remember. He only picked on you, because he liked you.”

“Don’t take up for him.” I slapped him lightly on the chest. “Anyway, this one time he said I was ugly. It made me cry. You pushed him against the faucet and it cut his back. He got out crying and ran and told on you. Then you looked right at me, as innocent as it probably was, and told me-” He cut me off before I could finish.

“You’re pretty to me. That’s what I said, wasn’t it?”

I couldn’t believe he remembered it after all of the years that had passed. “Yes.”

“Well, you were always pretty, until you hit puberty. Then you became beautiful.”

His words took my breath away. I looked right at him and saw him smiling and I began to cry. “I don’t deserve you.”

He ran his hand through my hair as he spoke. “You know, Kat, I told my Mom once that I was in love with you. I think we were around ten and we’d all three been up in the tree house playing. You had those Barbie’s up there and Branch kept throwing them out and making you climb down and get them. About the third time he did it, I grabbed his arm and yanked it until he cried. I remember him running to tell on me and when Mom asked me why I did it, I looked right up at her and said ‘because I love her’. I think my mom always knew that it had never gone away. She even suspected something the night of our first kiss, or maybe my brother ran in and tattled about what we were doing. She kept giving me an evil eye all night, silently accusing me of something. Maybe I just felt like we’d done something naughty. At any rate, she knew how I felt about you. So did my dad. He pulled me aside when you started dating Branch. He told me that there were plenty of other girls out there for me. He didn’t get that I didn’t want any other girls. It’s the reason I started bringing random girls home. Part of it was because I thought you’d get jealous and want me instead of Branch. The other part was because they both pulled me aside and asked me if I was okay with you being with him. I couldn’t admit that I wasn’t. Mom made a huge deal trying to keep me occupied while you were doing your own things and making out with Branch. Finally, I knew they wouldn’t stop until I showed them that I didn’t care. It wasn’t always an act. Some of those girls were fun.” He started laughing, knowing he’d gotten to me.