Of Blood and Bone (The Minaldi Legacy #1)(51)
Author: Courtney Cole

The idea of terminating this pregnancy leaves me feeling sick with horror and sadness. I would never do it, no matter how much Luca begged.  So it seems easier to not tell him, for now.  And to hear his voice might be my undoing, anyway.  I have become stronger in these past few weeks, but it’s a tenuous strength.  I don’t know how long it would last if I were once again face to face with that which I cannot have.

Luca. 

I sigh as I turn to Marianne today.

“I know,” I answer her familiar plea.  “I’ll tell him.”

“When, bella mia?” she asks, her attractive face concerned. “It has been six weeks already.  In another month or two, you will be showing because you are so thin.  It will be difficult to hide.  If you remain here in Malta, it will come to his attention.  Someone will see you and rumors will fly.  He will hear of it and it should be from you.”

“I know,” I tell her.  And I do.

That night, I write him a letter.  I can’t bear to do it in person or to tell him over the phone. That seems inhumane.  He shouldn’t hear it on the phone.  If I can’t do it in person, he should be able to read it, instead, which allows him the privacy to absorb the words alone before he has to process them and discuss it with me.

I drop it into the mail the next morning and butterflies surround my heart.  I can’t imagine what he will feel like when he reads it.  He feels guilty enough already for involving me, for becoming close to me. I pass the day nervously, doing anything that keeps my mind off of Luca’s reaction.

Because I’m too anxious and filled with nervous energy to do anything else, I sit on the patio in the fresh air and sift through baby name websites. I don’t see anything I like, however.  I finally decide that it is a boy.  And that I will name him Luca after his father.  I don’t even look at girl names, even though I know that Luca will probably pray that it is a girl.

I am exhausted and go to bed early.  I lie awake and concentrate on the life that grows within me.  I hope that it is strong and thriving.  I meant what I said in the letter.  This baby is part of Luca and part of me and I just know that it will inherit the very best parts of each of us.  And now that Luca will know, I am free to go into town and find a physician. No more hiding.  I need regular check-ups from someone other than myself.

I fall asleep with my arms wrapped around my stomach.

* * *

I am walking on the beach the next day when I see him.

He is so beautiful.  He is striding toward me on the beach, the sun bathing his perfect face in golden light.  Grendel is with him, but I don’t focus on the dog.  I can only see Luca.  His face is drawn and tight and I start to run, my feet sinking deep in the sand with each step. Before I know it, I am in his arms.  He smells of woods and musk and Luca.  I inhale him, as though I have been holding my breath for the past few weeks and am only just now able to breathe again.

It might as well be true.

Luca’s strong arms encircle my back, pulling me to him, kissing me fiercely.  He has missed me too. I can feel it.  Just as I can feel the sadness within him. It surrounds us now, ever present.

“What have we done?” he asks, his voice steeped in angst.  He scoops me into his arms, carefully as though I am so very fragile.  He carries me gently back to my cottage and into the house, sitting me on the sofa.  He situates himself with my feet in his lap.  His eyes are so tortured, so stormy as he watches me.

“Eva, we can’t bring a child into the world,” he tells me painfully.  Each word rasps from his lips like broken glass, like it is painful for him to even think it, much less say. And it is. “We cannot bring my child into the world.”

I stare at him, the pain welling in me like a cresting wave, even though this is exactly what I knew he would say.  I was expecting it, but suddenly I realize that it doesn’t make it any easier to hear.

“Luca,” my voice breaks, so I try again.  “Luca, I cannot harm our baby.  I can’t.  Perhaps it is a girl and so it won’t matter.”  He is already shaking his head.

“Even if it is a girl, she can carry the anomaly,” he says.  “She can pass it on to her male children who would pass it onto theirs.  Eva….”

He drops his head into his hands and I grab one, pulling it from his face and forcing him to look at me.

“Luca, you haven’t given me a chance to help you.  You simply sent me away.  I’ve been doing research and there are so many things that this might be.  They are all treatable with medication.  You can be helped, if you will just give someone a chance to try.  If you give me the chance to try.  Please let me try.”

He looks at me, his face contorted with his angst.

“Eva, I belong in prison.  I don’t deserve to walk free or to sit here with you.  Or to have a life with you.  I don’t deserve it.  Don’t you see that?”

His fingers are so long and slender and strong.  I focus on them, holding them tightly in my lap as I gulp.

“These are not the hands of a killer,” I tell him softly.  “Luca, whatever you have done, it wasn’t you who did them.  You didn’t.  Your affliction did.  Not you.  You would never consciously hurt anyone.  I know that.  Let me find a way to help you.  Let me discover what is wrong.  We can treat it and pretend that nothing ever happened.  We can be happy, Luca.  No one will ever know.”

He stares at me calmly, his dark eyes shining.

“I would know,” he says softly.  “And you would know.”

I’m crying now, my shoulders shaking as I sob into my hands.  Luca pulls me to him and I cry against his chest.  He is so strong and warm, but his warmth doesn’t pass into me.  I am chilled to the bone with the realization that he will never let me help him.  He is condemning himself to a life alone, an empty life without me.

“I’m so sorry,” he murmurs into my hair.  “I’m so sorry to have hurt you this way.  I never should have come near you.  It’s my fault.  Everything is my fault.”

“No.”  I am fierce now.  “I will never be sorry.  You have changed me, Luca.  And I am not accepting this as an answer.  I never want to be without you.  I won’t let you do this.”