Professor Feelgood

Jake notices, and he seems both surprised and pleased. “Interesting.”

I look at the floor, beyond embarrassed. Yes, I like to read BDSM, among other things, and yes, the thought of a man dominating me turns me on, but until this second, I hadn’t considered trying it in real life. But now that Jake’s towering over me with those dark, penetrating eyes, the mental images are coming thick and fast.

Jake spinning me around, lifting my dress. Jake curling his fingers into my hair as he swats my bottom with an open palm. Jake ordering me not to move as he slides my panties down my legs.

Jesus, brain, stop. Not here, not now. Certainly, not in front of him.

I pull myself together and glance at Jake. Not a good move. He’s staring at me in a way that makes me feel completely naked.

“I know what you want, Asha. Turn around.” His voice is quiet, but it reverberates through every muscle and bone.

What the hell is happening? Does he really intend on spanking me? And if so, am I going to let him?

He stares me down. “Face the mirror. Now.”

I swallow hard then slowly turn to face my dresser. He steps closer, and I squeeze my eyes shut as my whole back explodes in goosebumps.

“Stay still.” I feel hands gripping my dress.

Oh, God. He’s going to do it. He’s actually going to spank me, and there’s a very good chance I’m going to enjoy it.

Mind still reeling, I open my eyes and watch his gaze fall to my back. Then, my dress shifts as he yanks on the zipper.

He tries again, but still, nothing. “Yeah, this thing isn’t going up.” I take in a breath as he pulls it all the way down, exposing my whole back.

“Relax,” he says, quietly. “I was joking about the spanking. Maybe. For now. But hang tight while I dominate the fuck out of this zipper.” He leans around me and grabs one of the vanilla candles off the dresser. “This might work.” There’s a weird sensation, and from his movements, I figure out he’s rubbing the candle along the metal teeth. When he’s done, he tries again. There’s a sharp tug, and then a satisfying sound as the zipper slides all the way up.

I’m relieved about being fully dressed, even if my heart is still pounding from the thought of him putting his hands on me.

Goddamn this crazy stupid crush.

This is the real reason you two stopped being friends, my inner voice whispers. Everything else is just an excuse.

I try to push the thought away, but it persists. That’s the thing about the truth. You can never completely bury it, no matter how hard you try.

In grade school, no one cared that my best friend was a boy. That we had differing genitalia was never an obstacle. But everything changed during puberty. One way or another in life, genitalia always becomes an obstacle.

Words to live by.

I push out a breath and mutter a thanks to Jake.

“Anytime.” When I glance up, he’s staring at me in the mirror. “Don’t take this the wrong way, because you’re still one of the most annoying people I’ve ever met, but …” We lock eyes. “You look … good.” He screws up his face and lets out a tight sigh. “Amazing, in fact. Beautiful.”

A chill runs through me. I don’t think Jake has ever said I look beautiful before. I could get used to it.

“Well,” I say. “Take this with a grain of salt, because if your ego expands any further we’re going to have to move to a bigger planet, but … so do you.”

There’s a weird shift in the air, and I get a flash of what it would have been like if things had gone differently in the past. For so many years, I’ve blamed him for everything that went wrong with us, because it was easier than confronting the flaws inside myself. But when he looks at me like he is right now, and I can see the pain that lives behind his eyes, I curse myself for not making different choices.

I know we all lie to ourselves sometimes because the truth scares us, but while some lies are inconsequential, others can be such whoppers, they change the bedrock of who you are. The lies I’ve been telling myself about Jake are total foundation-shifters, and I know that before long, they’re going to cause an earthquake.

“What happened to us, Ash?” he says, softly. “We used to think we’d be friends forever. We dreamed so big it hurt our brains. And now … The biggest thing we have in common these days is our anger, and I have no goddamn clue how to change that.”

I wave of vertigo hits me. I feel like I’m standing on a precipice, and as much as I don’t want to fall, I know I’m going to. How is it possible to feel so many conflicting emotions about a single man? How can I love him and hate him at the same time? How can I want to never see him again and want to beg him to never leave my side?

If only there was a way to reset our relationship. Erase all the hurtful things we’ve said and done and start over. Reboot all our regrets.

Jake looks down for a second, and rubs his hand over his jaw. “Listen, Asha, I ––”

He’s cut off by loud knocking.

“Police. Open up!”

I drop my head back. Damn you, Mrs. Levine.

“Hold that thought,” I say, before turning toward the door. “I’ll be right back. Don’t touch anything.”

I head down the hallway and pull open the door to reveal a black, female police officer. Poking my head out, I can see her partner working the doors at the other end of the hallway.

“Evening, ma’am,” she says with a nod. “There’s been a report of a strange man roaming the building, bothering residents. Just wondering if you’ve seen him. The suspect is described as ––” She reads from her notepad. “Six-three, dark hair, muscular build, wearing a tuxedo.” She looks at me. “Seen anyone resembling that description? And if so, can you point him in my direction?” She lets out a hearty laugh that makes me smile.

“I’m sorry you were called out on a false alarm, officer. Old Mrs. Levine saw my friend Jake in the hallway and … well, she spooks easily and has the local precinct on speed dial.”

She glances toward Mrs. Levine’s door then back to me. “I see. So, this Jake person is in your apartment?”

“Yes.”

She lowers her voice. “Ma’am, if you’re in distress or being held against your will, blink twice.”

I frown. I’m in a little distress, but it’s not the kind she’s talking about.

“I’m fine, really. This is just a misunderstanding. Look, I’ll show you.” I call out. “Jake? Can you come out here, please?”

After a few seconds, Jake steps out into the hallway and walks toward us. I hear the female officer mutter under her breath, “Dear God in Heaven.”

He stops next to me and nods to her. “Officer. Everything alright?”

The female officer stares at him. “Oh, yes. Everything’s fiiiine. Are you two married?”

I almost choke on my tongue. “God, no.”

“Dating?”

“No.”

“So, friends?”

“No,” Jake says, emphatically.

“Huh,” the police woman says. “So, you’re single.”

Jake frowns. “Technically.”

“I see.” She stares up at him in awe.

Yep, I sympathize, lady.

“Well,” she says, smiling. “I’d better move along, then. Sorry to disturb you folks. You have a nice night, okay?”