Rhett in Love (Rhett #2)(20)
Author: J.S. Cooper

“I’m so glad you were both honest with your issues.” Tasha beamed at us and there was an understanding in her eyes. “That’s the most important first step. Being honest means that there is hope. There is hope for both of you. We just need to get to the root of those problems.”

We sat back and smiled and nodded, but I knew she was simplifying how far we’d come. Yes, we had acknowledged we had issues. However, getting to the root of the problems was going to be a much harder feat than just acknowledging them.

Chapter Seven

Rhett

Homesick is hard when you don’t know

Just where it is that you call home.

I don’t know how this roof’s going to hold.

It’s oh so cold.

It’s been snowing too hard I fear.

Yes, I know that it’s pretty here,

And the air is clear.

But the years aren’t passing fast enough this way.

Maybe you can save me now.

I’m not sure how.

I’m calling out for that

I’m crying out for that.

“Homesick” by David Berkeley- Some Kind of Cure

I sat with the phone cradled next to my ear feeling nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it scared me more than I wanted to admit to myself. I stared at the wall in front of me wishing that Clementine was home, but she was at school still.

“Can you come home?” The voice was impersonal. “She’s not in a good way.”

“What can I do if I come back to South Carolina?” My voice sounded cold, but I didn’t know how to sound any other way.

“Maybe you can talk to her. She has Cirrhosis of the liver.” He sounded bored as if he were talking about an everyday cough. “If she doesn’t stop drinking, she’s going to die.”

“How long has she known?” I had to know the answer.

“Two years.” He said without a change in his tone. I wondered how many times the doctor had made this call to family members. How many times he had had to tell someone that a loved one was dying and it was all their own fault.

“I see.” I blinked and all I could think about was Clementine. Where was she? Was she with Holden? How ironic that she was worried about me cheating on her when she was the one that was hanging out with other guys. I knew I was being irrational. I knew that she was just studying with him, but I also knew now for a fact that he wanted her.

“Rhett, I know this is hard for you. I know you just moved, but it could really help if you came down. I’ll let you think about it and see what you can do. Feel free to call the office if you have any questions, Rhett. You’re her only family.” And then just like that, he hung up.

My face was cold, my stomach felt heavy, the tears sat in the bottom of my eyes, wanting to fall. I could feel the vein in my upper thigh throbbing as I sat there. I felt nothing inside. Nothing, but a big empty void of pain. I felt like I’d just cut my arm off. I felt like I’d lost a part of myself. And I had no one to talk to. No one would be able to understand how I felt. I didn’t want to hear that things would get better. I didn’t want to hear that she loved me underneath it all. I didn’t want to hear that I was better off without her. The truth of the matter was that she was my mother and all I wanted, was for her to love me. All I wanted was for her to say I was enough. I was enough reason to stop drinking. I was enough for her to get her act together. I wanted to be her little boy. I wanted to be the apple of her eye. I wanted to be enough to take the pain away. Didn’t she realize how much I loved her? Didn’t she know how much I wanted to take away her pain? Didn’t she know that she was killing herself as well as me? Didn’t she know that I’d give it all up, everything to just understand why?

She was killing herself with the alcohol, but I was the one dying inside. Nothing mattered without her love. Nothing could make up for the emptiness inside. Not even Clementine. No matter how many kisses she gave me. No matter how tightly she held me. No matter how many times she told me she loved me. She couldn’t fix this. She couldn’t make this better. I didn’t even know what to do. What could I do if I went home? How could I make things better? I didn’t even know where I belonged any more. Clementine was flourishing in Boston. She was blooming before my eyes and a part of me wondered if she even needed me anymore. And my mother? I didn’t even know if she was really my mother anymore. Yes, she’d given birth to me, but she hadn’t been in my life. I could barely remember what she looked like. I had to close my eyes and think hard to try and remember her face. My heart ached as I realized I didn’t know where I belonged or how I belonged. I wanted somebody to save me. I wanted somebody to show me the way. I wanted Clementine to make it alright, but I didn’t know if she could save me. I didn’t even know if it was right for me to expect her to save me. I was the man. I was the one that was supposed to have it all together. I was scared for her to see the pain inside. I was scared of how she was going to react. How could I tell her how empty I felt inside? How could I tell her that behind my bravado and charisma, there was a shell of a man? How could I tell her that I loved her more than life itself, but something in me was still hurting? Something in me was constantly worried. I didn’t even understand it myself. No one knew what lay behind my blue eyes. No one knew that every morning there was a dull ache that never went away. I didn’t know how to tell her that I was scared that she was going to leave me because my mother had left me. If my own mother hadn’t thought I was enough, how could I expect Clementine to feel any differently?

I stared at the phone in my hand and realized that, like it or not, my life was changed forever. Everyone thought that falling in love with Clementine had been the event that had changed my life. They thought the fact that I’d finally taken a girlfriend meant my life had taken a huge turn. And it had taken a turn. I was now in a relationship. But the relationship didn’t define me. The relationship hadn’t changed my life because Clementine had always been there in my heart. She’d always been mine and I’d been hers. There was never a real question about that. But now, now everything was different. I felt different. I felt lost. I felt like an evolution was going on in my life and I didn’t want it anymore. I didn’t want to know this new life. I didn’t want my life to change. I didn’t want to acknowledge that my mother was dying and even more than that, I didn’t want to acknowledge that I needed to let that relationship go before it destroyed me.