Rhett (Rhett #1)(55)
Author: J.S. Cooper

“It means I’m over it. I’m over you. This is just too much.” She sobbed. “Just thinking about you with, Penelope. I can’t believe it.”

“Please don’t think about it.” I grabbed ahold of her and tried to pull her towards me. “Clementine, please.”

“I’ve got to go, Rhett.” She ran to the front door. “I’ve got to go.”

“But, Clementine.” I shouted after her. “I love you.”

She didn’t even stop. She didn’t look back or hesitate as I shouted after her. It was as if my words meant nothing to her. It was as if, after all these years, she didn’t even care. How could she not care? I’d thought that was all she needed to hear. I thought my declaration of love would be enough. I thought that would change everything, but it meant nothing. It was too late. I’d figured it all out, too late.

Chapter Thirteen

Six Weeks Later

There’s a saying, you only know what you’ve got once you’ve lost it. I’m here to tell you that’s true. The last six weeks of my life have been shit. I’ve got a full-grown beard. My hair is unkempt, my eyes are bloodshot. I’ve lost weight. I look and feel like shit. I guess some people call what I’m going through heartbreak. I’m here to say, it feels more like heart extraction. My heart has been slowly and painfully pulled from my body. And that was why today, I knew I had to go and see her. I needed to get my shit together. Clementine’s rejection had made me realize just how many things I hadn’t been dealing with in my life.

I pulled up to the driveway and took a deep breath as I stepped out of the car. This time I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I didn’t think back to my childhood. I didn’t even feel sad. I knew what real heartache was like now. I walked up to the front-door with my shoulders squared and knocked on the door. I heard the dog running to the door and then it opened slowly.

“Rhett,” her eyes opened wide in surprise and she patted her hair down.

“Mom.” I nodded. “Can I come in?”

“Oh, sure.” She stepped back. “Sorry for the mess. I didn’t know you were coming. I tidied up last time cos your friend said you were coming, but she didn’t tell me this time.”

“She didn’t know.” I walked in and looked around. It was surprisingly clean and homey. It looked nicer than I thought it would. “It looks nice in here.”

“Thanks.” She smiled. “I try to keep it nice, just in case anyone drops by.”

“Yeah.” I frowned as I saw all the photos of the wall. “Is this me?” I walked up to the photos and stared at them in shock. There were photos of me and me and Clementine from kids all the way through to a few weeks ago. “Where did you get these?”

“Your friend Clementine sent them to me.” She smiled. “This is my favorite.” She walked over to a photo on her mantelpiece and handed it to me. “You both look so happy.” It was from high school graduation. We were both making faces at the camera. Our eyes were shining bright and our heads were pressed together as we stuck out tongues out. My arm was around her shoulder and she was grinning. We looked happy. Really happy. My heart hurt looking at the photo.

“I didn’t know she sent them.” I frowned.

“Her and her Nanna used to come visit me, once every couple of months.” She shrugged. “Make sure I was okay and give me updates on you.”

“I see.” I frowned. “I never knew that.”

“They used to say they wanted to update me on you, but I knew it was to make sure I was okay. They wanted me to contact you.” She sat on a chair. “They said you missed me and needed me, but I never knew what to say.”

“They asked you to contact me?” My breath caught. “I can’t believe they did that.”

“They love you.” She gave me a weak smile. “They wanted to see you happy.”

“I was always happy.” I lied.

“You don’t have to lie to me. I know I haven’t been the best mother.” She closed her eyes and covered her face. “I tried to stay sober, you know.”

“Yeah.” I nodded, unsure of what to say.

“They sent me flowers every Mother’s Day as well.” She sighed. “They tried to say it was from you, but I knew.”

“Yeah.” I looked away. How had I not known any of this?

“That Clementine loves you.” She gazed at me. “I used to think she was stupid. Doing so much for you. You didn’t even know. I used to feel bad for her. She was just setting herself up for heartache.” She sighed. “But I guess, that’s the beauty of love isn’t it? Doing stuff to make people happy, without them ever knowing.”

“I guess so.”

“She’s beautiful. She’s really grown into a beautiful girl.” She smiled at me. “I used to be beautiful too.”

“You’re still beautiful.”

“You’re just saying that.” She sighed. “I didn’t love as selflessly as she does. All her life she’s loved you.”

“Yeah.” I looked down. How had I not seen it? “I don’t get why she never told me?”

“I think she didn’t want to get your hopes up, if I never came through. I have a habit of bailing on people.”

“Why did you leave?”

“I loved alcohol more than myself.” Tears sprang to her eyes as she stared at me. “Every day that I’m sober, I wonder what could have been.”

“Dad still wouldn’t have been with you.”

“I meant if I’d stayed for you.” She offered me a small smile. “If I’d raised you. If I’d been there for you. What would life have been like?”

“You choose a different path.”

“I never stopped loving you.” She started crying. “Every day, I think of you. I see your face as a little boy. I see you asking me for ice cream. I feel you hugging me. I see your big blue eyes. I screwed up Rhett. I love you so much. I can’t even stand the pain I’ve caused you. The pain I’ve caused myself. Every night I go to bed and I pray that I’ll see you again. Hold you again.” The tears streamed out of her eyes as she sobbed. “Do you know what it’s like to mess up and keep messing up? I just can’t seem to get it right. I don’t wanna be this person. I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want you to hate me.”