Rome (Marked Men #3)(40)
Author: Jay Crownover

He looked unsure of how to answer, so I made my way to where the guys were standing and inserted myself in between them. I could feel the hostility blazing off of Rule and the remorse bleeding off of Rome. I didn’t want to drown or get sucked into any of it.

“Uh … I was hoping I could talk to you real fast before you started work.”

I sighed. “Well, I wanted to talk to you all last week and you ignored me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too, because now I don’t know that I want to hear what you have to say. I’m not that hard to find, big guy.”

He sighed. “I know.”

We stared at each other for a long and silent moment until he finally dropped his eyes back to the floor. I felt Rule shift behind me and figured I better split the two of them up before I had to clean blood off the floor. I grabbed Rome by the arm and pulled him out the front door to the sidewalk in front of the shop. Rule shouted something ugly out the door after us, and I felt Rome tense.

“Stop it. One battle at a time.”

He threw his hands up in the air in front of him. “That’s the problem, Cora. I’m so tired of fighting.”

His eyes were burning so hot I felt like they were going to leave holes right through me.

“I’m fighting with my folks. I’m fighting with Rule. I’m fighting my vices. I’m fighting my fear of the future. I’m fighting my own goddamn head, and I’m just tired. I’m retired. I was supposed to be leaving all the fighting in the desert.”

I wanted to comfort him, to tell him I understood, but there were bigger stakes here than just me and him.

“So what are you going to do about it?”

That was the key. He could keep fighting, keep battling everything alone until he just wore himself into a husk of a man, into a shadow of the person he once was, or he could ask for help. I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until he finally answered me.

“I got the name of a guy from Brite. He’s a retired shrink and a vet. He only takes guys on referral. I went to talk to him yesterday. He was a really nice guy.”

I let out the breath and felt my heart rate settle into something less chaotic.

“I spent the entire hour and a half we talked telling him about you. About how shitty I felt for bailing on you, how I thought something really awesome was starting between us, and how I blew it all to hell by being a pu**y.”

He looked at me and I felt my heart turn over in my chest. The pleading in his gaze, the clear, naked longing for me to understand just a little part of what he was dealing with, really touched me. All I really wanted from a partner was honesty, and it didn’t get more honest than this.

“I don’t ever want anyone to see me like that, Cora. It rips me apart to live that shit over and over again, and nothing, not even really great things, like you and me, makes it stop. It’s embarrassing to be that exposed to someone else. I’m so sorry I didn’t handle it the right way.”

“Rome.” I wasn’t sure what I wanted to say, but I didn’t get the chance to anyway because he grabbed me by my upper arms and pulled me up on my toes so that we were eye to eye.

“Please, Cora.” His voice was husky and so sad. “You are so much better for me than a bottle of vodka every night. I can’t be perfect for you, but I can be someone you rely on, someone you want to keep around even though it isn’t always going to be easy.”

I put my hands on his broad shoulders and barked out a laugh. I laughed so hard I had to rest my forehead against his throat to catch my breath. I could feel his confusion in the way he tensed up and set me back down. I pulled away from him and crossed my arms over my chest. He would never know how much those simple words meant to me.

“I’m pregnant.”

His eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and his mouth sagged open in a way that would have been comical had the situation not been so serious.

“I took an over-the-counter test last night, and it was as positive as positive could get.”

“You … I … we …” He trailed off and looked like he might pass out. “For real?”

“For real.”

“Are you okay?” His gaze swept over me from head to toe like he was looking for some sign of change in me already.

“I’m fine. Look, I know this is a lot to take in. I don’t expect anything from you, but if you’re looking for a really good reason to pull it together, I think you have one now.”

“What do you mean you don’t expect anything from me?”

I sighed. “Look, Rome, we hung out for less than a month. We were never really friends, then we became lovers and now soon-to-be parents. That’s a lot for anybody to try and handle. I care about you and I really do think you’re an amazing guy, but I’m not going to risk this baby or my heart on someone that isn’t all in with me. I’ve been there and done that and seriously I wish I could give the T-shirt back.”

“Give me a chance, Half-Pint, I’m all in.”

I could see it there, dazzling and bright in the blue that was as sharp as a razor blade. He believed it, wanted it, I just didn’t know that I could trust him to follow through on it and not leave me hanging again.

“The drinking …”

He shook his head. “Done. I’m all over it. It doesn’t do me any good and Brite won’t let me hang at the bar if I’m loaded. He’s been in and out over the last few weeks and finally told me that if I didn’t get my act together, I was done. I was already feeling like I let you down. I couldn’t stand the idea of disappointing him on top of that, which is why I finally called his friend for help.” He made a face that resembled a grimace of pain. “There’s a good chance I’m gonna be struggling with the aftereffects of PTSD for a long time. I’m not going to wake up tomorrow and be all shiny, polished, and perfect, but I can get better. The difference is I didn’t really have the motivation to head in that direction until I lost it and couldn’t face you. I don’t want you to be part of my nightmares, Cora, but I’m selfish enough to ask you to want to be.”

He was saying all the right things, he was putting more of himself on the line for me than Jimmy ever had, and I was selfish enough to want to believe that what he was saying was real. I didn’t really want to let him go just yet, but I had to make sure he understood the rules moving forward.

“Nightmares are just bad dreams. If you want me to be part of your dreams, there isn’t a better place I could think to be. Rome, I’m more than willing to stick this out with you, but this baby is bigger than both of us. You can’t just walk away when you’re freaked out or because something from the past is standing between us. You have to let me in, you have to stick around so we can work through it together. I’m not flawless either, Captain No-Fun, but I kinda think together we might get close to something spectacular, if we want it bad enough.”