Shame (Ruin #3)(57)
Author: Rachel Van Dyken

So tired.

“I’m good.” I waved at the girls. “Thanks though. I’ll see you later.”

“Lisa…” Kiersten gripped my wrist. “You don’t have to be alone… not tonight. You can come stay with us.”

“Or us,” Saylor agreed.

Kiersten tugged her lower lip with her teeth. “I just — I don’t feel good about leaving you in that room alone.”

“It’s fine.” I gently removed her hand. “Besides, what else can happen to me?”

Saylor and Kiersten shared a look.

“It’s fine,” I repeated, meeting their uneasy gazes with what I hoped was more assurance than I actually felt. “I shouldn’t live in fear. Right, Kiersten?”

“No,” she said slowly. “But I do think there’s wisdom in being cautious.”

I pulled out my pepper spray and Taser. “I’m cautious. Promise.”

“Call us…” Kiersten’s eyes reflected worry. “At least call us in the morning so we know you’re okay.”

“Right.” I forced a smile that felt totally foreign, given the circumstances, and got out of the car.

My legs may as well have been full of sand as I shuffled to the dorm. The wind picked up, fluffing my hair and sending it flying around my face. I could have sworn I heard someone say my name again… just like the day before. I quickly turned around, but nothing unusual was there. Just people walking and talking, and, of course, the trees next to my building.

Don’t be ridiculous, Lisa, I scolded, and let myself in. The stairs nearly overwhelmed me as I slowly trudged up them, carrying the proverbial weight of the world on my shoulders. My heart, my chest was heavy. I felt like crying, but I wasn’t sure if it was because I was ashamed or because Tristan had hurt me so deeply.

When I finally reached my door, Jack was leaning against it.

“Jack?” I squinted. “What are you doing here?”

“Leaving you a note.” He pulled a slip of paper from his pocket. “But now that I can hand deliver it… here.”

I accepted it then read the inscription to myself: Do you like me? Circle yes or no.

I burst out laughing. “If you’re trying to cheer me up, it’s working.”

He joined in laughter and then tilted his head. “Something bothering you?”

“No, it’s…” I sighed heavily and looked away. “…it’s not a big deal.”

“Want me to come in?” he offered. “I can make a mean cup of hot chocolate, and if it’s guy problems, I’m pretty sure I can give you some awesome advice.”

Something about his expression was too eager.

“No.” I pressed my fingers against my temples. “I have a killer headache, and I’m really tired. But thanks.”

“Oh.” He snorted. “I see how it is. You let Dr. Blake in, but not me? What? I’m not old enough for you?”

The abrupt mood change took me back. “No, that’s not it at all. I would say no to anyone right now.”

He took a step forward, a mocking sneer in place; his eyes were wild. I’d never seen him like that. His eyes darted back and forth, unable to focus.

“Rumor has it you don’t say no — ever.”

My heart started racing. “Jack…” I tried to smile. “…let’s not fight, alright? You’re a friend, a really good friend.”

“Friend?” he spat. “Friend?”

“Look, if I gave you the wrong impression, I’m sorry. I just—”

Jack gripped my wrists and slowly backed me up against the hallway wall. A few girls giggled and walked past as he winked at them. But I was terrified, terrified that he could switch from happy to pissed so fast.

“And if I want more? Hmm?”

The way he tilted his head reminded me so much of Taylor that I almost threw up on his shoes.

“What would you say then?”

“No.” I swallowed. “Because I value your friendship too much.”

“Bullshit!” He slammed the wall above my head. “It’s Dr. Blake, isn’t it?”

“Don’t be silly. He’s our professor.”

“Exactly,” Jack hissed. “Our professor.” He shook his head in disgust then jabbed a finger into my chest. “Just remember, you did this to yourself. You know I could have protected you. You know I had the power to protect you. That it was me all along that wanted to save you, despite what you did?”

“What I did?”

“Professor Blake,” Jack sneered. “Right. Well, have a good night, Lisa. I’ll be sure that he knows I’d like to switch partners. Yeah, I’ll make sure he gets that memo.”

Jack charged down the hall, leaving me gasping for air. A few girls poked their heads out of their rooms but said nothing. That was the thing about college. There was so much drama, and the school was so big… well, it was my fault I’d never really made friends with the people on my floor. That, and the fact that I’d opted out of having a roommate once Kiersten had moved in with Wes.

I gave the girls a watery smile and let myself into my room. With a cry, I slammed the door. Hands shaking, I twisted the lock and leaned my back against the wall.

All the lights in my dorm were off. I quickly flipped them on and was horrified to find that I hadn’t been robbed.

No, that would be too easy.

Instead, there were pictures — hundreds of pictures — scattered around the floor and attached to the walls. I knew who they were of before I even looked closely… me with Taylor.

With shaking hands I dialed Gabe’s number.

“Lisa?” he barked. “Thank God, are you okay?”

“No.” My voice wouldn’t stop shaking. “No, I’m not, I just… I need you. There’s pictures, and my study partner just freaked out on me and…”

“Shh, I’ll be there. Lock the door and windows and keep your cell phone on you, alright?”

“Okay.”

Fifteen minutes later, Wes, Gabe, and Tristan were in my room picking up all the pictures, while I sat quietly on the couch.

I didn’t even feel the warm mug as Tristan forced it into my hands and told me to drink. Shaking, I lifted it to my lips and would have spilled it all over me had he not gripped my hands and helped me.

Feeling like a child, I wanted to lash out and throw the cup at his face, but he was helping — he was trying to help, at least. But his touch just reminded me of what I would never have with him again.