Shatter (True Believers #4)(30)
Author: Erin McCarthy

“Seriously?”

“Seriously. History is repeating itself.” I gave a little laugh. “If only I believed in predestination. However, I can appreciate irony and this is certainly ironic. But the difference is, my father never saw me. He begrudgingly gave my mother a hundred dollars a month, and the first time I met him was when I was seventeen and he deemed me intelligent enough to bother with.”

“Shit balls,” she said. “That’s harsh.”

“Yeah. He’s a dick.” I shrugged. “I thought I was past all that, but I don’t know, talking to him tonight, with everything going down . . . I just got so f**king angry.”

“You have every right to be angry. None of that was fair to you.”

“Or to my mom.”

“No. It wasn’t. I’m sorry.” Her hand reached out and squeezed my thigh. “But Jonathon, you’re nothing like him.”

She had dug down deep to the root of my fear. I was afraid that I was like him, despite what I said. I was afraid that ultimately I would prove to be selfish and I would wind up alone, a workaholic, eyeballing girls young enough to be my daughter. The very thought made my gut clench and my teeth set on edge. “I hope not.”

“You’re not.”

The conviction with which she spoke made me want to do anything to live up to the belief she had in me. I could tell she trusted me, and I wanted to be worthy of that trust. “I feel guilty not liking him. He did pay for some of my education.”

“So? That was the least he could do. You don’t owe him anything, by the way. He lost that privilege when he turned his back on your mom. So he gave you money. That’s easy. Any man can be a father, not every man can be a dad.”

And that would be my heart crawling up my throat and cutting off my air passage. Damn. She was really something f**king special. I didn’t share my feelings with women. I didn’t share my feelings with anyone. That I had was amazing enough. That I had and she knew exactly what to say to me was more than amazing. It was perfection.

“Thanks, Kylie. I’m going to try to be a dad, I really am.”

“You’ll be awesome sauce,” she said with total confidence.

I laughed. “I never imagined myself as awesome sauce. How does one measure that, precisely?”

“There’s no formula for that, Darwin. Get over it.”

I noticed she only called me Darwin when she was teasing or once when she’d been annoyed. I liked that she called me Jonathon. It was like she wanted to connect with me, the man, not the scientist.

“So how are you doing?” I asked. “I know it must be tough to have your ex popping up like that.” Her ex who was a total tool as far as I could tell. It wasn’t that he was built like a juiced-up athlete. I didn’t care about that. It was the way he looked at Kylie, like he was frustrated that she didn’t just fall in line with what he wanted. He seemed entitled and I didn’t respond well to that.

She sighed. “Can I cuddle with you? I’m sleepy.”

That. There it was. The whole reason I was so drawn to her. She was just so sweet and genuine. “Of course you can. Come here.” I turned on the couch so my back was against the armrest and I drew her between my legs. She rested her head on my chest, her arms wrapped around my waist.

“Ah. That feels good. Sometimes it’s like my head is too heavy for my body.” She nuzzled her nose against my shirt. “I have an itch.”

I snaked my hand up and scratched her nose.

“Thanks.”

Maybe she didn’t want to talk about Nathan. I didn’t really want to talk about him either. I just wanted to relax. “What do you think of the name Charlie?”

“Girl or boy?”

“Either.”

“I kind of like it. Hmm.” Her fingernail played with a button on my shirt. “Are you sad you got dumped by that girl? Is it because of me, and the baby?”

“No, I’m not sad,” I told her honestly. “We only went out a few times and I was only interested in her because, well, it seemed logical for me to date her. But what I think I’m learning is that sometimes logical is so safe it becomes dangerous.”

It forced you into predetermined positions, whether they were right for you or not. “I’m sorry I was a jerk about it when you first told me you were pregnant.”

“It’s okay.” Her hand traveled up to my chin and she ran her soft fingers over my beard. “Your beard is even more scratchy than it was two hours ago.”

“It’s a fact that a man’s beard grows faster when he is anticipating sex.”

She looked up at me suspiciously. “Are you making that up?”

“No. I’m totally serious. It’s true.”

“Did you come here anticipating sex?” The saucy smile she gave me indicated she would not be at all offended by that.

“Not specifically. I mean, I’m always hopeful, though. Basically, I’ve been in a heightened state of sexual arousal since the very first minute I laid eyes on you.”

She laughed. “Yay.”

“No. Not yay. Bad. Very bad. I shouldn’t want to strip you naked when you are fighting the urge to vomit.”

“I don’t mind.”

She was killing me. “So . . . are you saying you want to have sex right now? Or just generally speaking, as the occasion arises, literally and figuratively, you are willing to consider the possibility?”

“Oh, you’re so silly sometimes.”

“I’m silly?” Now that was an adjective never once used to describe me. “How am I silly?”

“You think too much.”

Maybe I did. “I’ll think about that.”

“Haha,” she murmured.

Her body felt warm, her br**sts pressing against me. She had slung her ankle over my calf and I slid my hand down over her ass, deciding that I was just going to go for it. She’d tell me to stop if she wasn’t into it.

Except I realized that she had fallen asleep.

Fucking-ay.

So much for sex.

And so much for me going home. I couldn’t disturb her. Not after the last few weeks. So I just shifted down until I was flat on my back and she was splayed out on top of me, her breathing settling down into a tiny, steady snore, her hand spread across my chest. Stretching my arm, I pulled a blanket over her and sighed. There was a light on in the corner, but it wasn’t pointing in our eyes and it wasn’t all that bright.