Sinner

That felt like a long time ago, though.

“I suppose it does.”

On the radio, the song drew to a close.

f live: So there we are, people. Remember now? Oh, the summers of rocking out to NARKOTIKA. Okay, Cole. Are you there, or are you conducting another study on dogs?

cole st. clair: We were musing on fame. Leon has not heard of me.

leon: It’s not your fault. I just don’t listen to much else but talk radio, or sometimes jazz.

f live: Is that Leon? What’s he saying?

cole st. clair: He’s more of a jazz guy. You’ d know it if you saw him, Martin. Leon’s very jazzy.

I jazzed my hands for the rearview mirror. Leon’s hooded eyes regarded me for a sad moment. Then one of his hands crept off the gearshift to do 50 percent of jazz hands.

f live: I believe you. Which album of yours are you going to tell him to start with?

cole st. clair: Probably just that cover of “Spacebar”

that we did with Magdalene. It’s jazzy.

f live: Is it?

cole st. clair: It’s got a saxophone in it.

f live: I’m blown away by your knowledge of musical genres. Say, let’s talk about that deal with Baby North.

Have you worked with her before?

cole st. clair: I had alw — f live: I wonder if everybody knows who Baby is?

cole st. clair: Martin, it’s very rude to interrupt.

f live: Sorry, man.

leon: I know who she is.

cole st. clair: Really? Her and not me? Leon knows who she is.

f live: He is jazzy. Does he want to sum it up for the listeners at home? I mean, if he’s not in danger of crashing?

I offered my phone to Leon.

“This is a hands-free state,” Leon said.

“I’ll hold it for you,” I offered, expecting him to refuse. But he shrugged, agreeable.

Sliding behind his seat, I held my phone to his ear. He had one of those haircuts with a very defined ear shape carved into the side of it.

leon: She’s that lady with the web TV shows. The crazy one. It’s Sharp Teeth Dot Com, but she spells it strange.

With numbers, I think? Sharp t-three-three-t-h dot com? I don’t know. It might be ones instead of ts.

f live: Do you watch any of her shows?

leon: Sometimes in between pickups, I watch on my phone.

She had that one last year. That drug lady with the baby?

f live: Kristin Bank. That’s the one that put sharpt33th .com on the radar for most people. Who knew serialized rehab pregnancy could be such a draw? Did you like it?

leon: I don’t know if they are shows that you like or don’t like. You just watch them.

f live: I know exactly what you mean. Okay, let’s have Cole again. You might be wondering why she’s interested in putting him on an original web TV program. Why do you think that would be, Cole?

I was not an idiot. Baby North was interested in me because I came with a built-in audience. She was interested in me because I had a pretty face and knew how to do my hair better than most guys. She was interested in me because I overdosed on the stage of Club Josephine, and then vanished.

cole st. clair: Oh, my great music, probably. Also, I’m super charming. I’m sure that’s it.

Leon offered a limp smile. In front of us, the cars sluggishly shuffled like playing cards. The sun rippled thickly off mirrors and reflectors. The palms lining the highway were lanes and lanes away. I couldn’t believe I was here in California, looking right at it, and yet couldn’t touch it yet. The interior of this car still felt at least two states away.

f live: That sounds true. She’s known for her taste in music.

cole st. clair: I get that. That’s a joke.

f live: You are a quick one.

cole st. clair: I’ve never actually heard that before.

f live: Oh! I get that. That’s a joke.

Both Leon and I laughed out loud.

I’d met Martin. Though he had an eternally youthful voice, he’d been in music journalism for longer than I’d been alive.

The first interview I’d done with him had been twenty minutes of tastelessly conveyed sexcapades, and then I’d met him in person and discovered he was old enough to be my father. Questions, questions: How dare he sound twenty and be sixty? Did they make cosmetic surgery for your vocal cords? And just how badly had I offended him? But it turned out that Martin was one of those not-dirty older men who were amused by us still-dirty younger men.

f live: How long are you taking to write and record this album? It’s not long, right?

cole st. clair: I think it’s six weeks.

f live: That seems ambitious.

If you looked up ambition on Wikipedia, my photo was the first thing that came up. I did have some material that I’d written while sitting alone at camp in Minnesota, but it had been strange to try to complete anything in a vacuum. No band. No listeners.

They’d come together in the studio.

cole st. clair: I’ve got a vision.

f live: Do you think you’ ll stay in L.A.?

I wasn’t particularly gifted at staying anywhere. But L.A.

was where Isabel Culpeper was. Thinking her name was a dangerous, obsessive thought-road. I would not let myself call her until I had gotten to the house. I would not call her until I had thought of a theatrical way to tell her I was in California.

I would not call her until I was sure she would be happy I was here.

If she wasn’t happy I was here, then . . .

With one move, I slapped shut the airconditioning vents. I felt too close to a wolf for the first time in a long time. I felt that churn in my stomach that meant the shift was close.

cole st. clair: That depends. On if L.A. wants me.

f live: Everyone wants you.

Leon held up his phone so that I could see the screen. He had just purchased “Spacebar” by NARKOTIKA (feat.

Magdalene). He seemed happier than when I’d first met him, back when he was Larry. Outside, the heat tantalized. The asphalt shuddered in the exhaust. In a minute, we hadn’t moved an inch. I was looking at L.A. through a TV screen.

And now I’d let myself think Isabel’s name and there wasn’t room for anything else. This car, this interview, this everything else — Isabel was the real thing. She was the song.

cole st. clair: You know what, Martin and Leon, I’m going to get out of the car now. Walk the rest of the way.

Leon raised an eyebrow. “This isn’t a walking road. I think it’s illegal to walk on the shoulder. Do you see anyone else getting out of their cars and walking?”

No, I didn’t. But I very rarely saw anybody else doing anything I was doing. And if I did, it usually meant it was time for me to stop.