Solitary Man(46)
Author: Carly Phillips

She placed the papers in his lap. “There’s one more thing,” she said, when he remained silent. “I went to speak to my advisor at the university,” she told him. “There’s no way I can complete my student teaching next year. My November due date won’t allow me to do it in the fall, and for the first six months I don’t intend to leave the baby, so the spring’s shot.”

Because her child’s welfare was of paramount importance, she’d come to terms with the fact that she’d have to rely on Kevin’s good will and financial support. No matter that she didn’t want to burden him with a marriage that wasn’t working, she forced herself to accept that he’d helped place her in this position, so she had no choice but to accept his help for his child.

He leaned closer. “I wasn’t aware you were considering going back to school. I think…”

She didn’t want to hear his opinion on her decisions. “Just hear me out. My advisor’s given me a reference. I’m going to do tutoring at some of the local elementary schools and then I plan to apply for a part-time job starting next January, when the baby’s a few months old. That way I can keep the baby with me and still work…”

“Whoa.” He held up his hand. “What’s all this about? I thought you planned on taking it easy until the baby was born.”

She raised an eyebrow. “Really? When did I say that? I hadn’t planned on taking it easy at all, until the baby’s welfare was at stake. So I quit and we got married, all for the same reasons. But when did I ever say I’d take it easy? As a matter of feet, when did I ever discuss my future plans with you at all?”

“You didn’t”

But she’d wanted to. Beyond making love, though, there hadn’t been all that many times when they’d relaxed enough for her to open up with her dreams.

“But you wanted to. You still do.”

She folded her arms over her own chest and met his gaze. “Yes, I did. I do.” Nikki held her breath. She’d thrown down the gauntlet. All that remained was for him to take—or reject it.

He rubbed his eyes, the exhaustion and pain evident in his face. “And I wish I could give you what you want.”

“But you can’t.” Lord, but the words hurt.

“Not right now, no.”

She rose to her feet “Then I can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie in that bed and pretend to be your wife. I can’t make love to you knowing that during the day that connection between us crumbles because you let it. Sex just isn’t enough to base a lifetime on.” Her hands shook but she had no pockets in which to shove her fists, no means of hiding her trembling. Or pain.

He stood up beside her. “You’re leaving me?”

She shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that. I married you, for better for worse. You gave our baby a name, you gave me the money to provide our child with a decent start in life. I owe you for that.”

“I don’t want your loyalty.”

“And I don’t want to be just an obligation to you, but we don’t always get what we want, do we?” Shaking off the pain, at least the pain that showed, Nikki forced her voice to remain steady. “I think it’s best if I move back to my old room.”

“I don’t. If you’d just give me time…”

She splayed her hand over her stomach. It was ironic. The pregnancy that had changed her life, taken away her education, and made her rely on Kevin was the one thing in the last couple of months she couldn’t regret.

She wanted this baby. She glanced at the man she wanted. The one she couldn’t have. He wanted time. He’d had plenty of that over the last couple of months. So what if he wanted more.

She shrugged. “I’m not going anywhere, Kevin.” At least not physically. Circumstances had conspired against her. But emotionally was another story.

She’d come as far as she could, reached out as far as possible. It hadn’t been enough. And now it was time to move on.

* * *

Kevin had slept alone for over thirty years and this was the first time he’d truly felt alone. Nikki hadn’t just gone to sleep in a separate room; she’d taken steps to create a life separate from his. He wasn’t a fool. Necessity had been the only thing that had brought her into his life and into his home. Given a choice, she’d still be in school. Given a choice, she wouldn’t be saddled with his child.

So he wasn’t surprised she’d planned ahead. That streak of independence and ability to survive had served her well once before. It was just one of her many traits he admired, one of the many facets of Nikki that attracted him.

Yet the very traits he admired were the ones destined to draw her away. Granted, he’d given her little choice. But she couldn’t seem to understand that keeping his distance was in her best interest.

And yet, a part of him no longer believed the rhetoric. The part that had willingly stepped into a meeting for adult children of alcoholic parents. The part that was tired of picking up after his father. The part that wanted a real life, with a job he enjoyed and a family he loved.

He stretched out on the bed. Cool air from outdoors drifted through the open window but did little to cool the fire burning inside him.

Something had to change. He had to change. And for the first time, he was completely ready.

* * *

“And you’ll keep in touch.”

Kevin watched as Nikki hugged Janine. In her voice and her gestures, he could feel her reluctance to let go. Janine was her last link to Tony and probably the one person who didn’t make her feel so alone.

“You know I will. And once we’ve had these kids, and as soon as you can travel, I expect that husband of yours to bring you all out west to visit” Janine’s gaze met his.

“I think I can handle that,” he said wryly.

Nikki turned, tears in her eyes. “You know I’m going to hold you to that promise,” she told him.

He nodded. At least that was one promise he knew he could keep.

Janine glanced at Nikki. “Can I have a word alone with Kevin?” she asked. “It’s not that you… ”

“You don’t have to explain,” Nikki said. “I’ll be in my room when you’re done. Don’t you dare leave without a last good-bye.”

When she’d walked out of the room and the sound of footsteps on the hardwood floor trailed off, Janine glanced over. “Want to sit?”

“Might as well. I always do better sitting when I’m being lectured,” he said with a grin. He hadn’t realized how much he would miss Janine until this moment. “I’m going to be lost without you telling me what to do.”