Sweet Ache

Sinking down into the couch, I try to wrap my head around the new information, about being used by twin brothers but in ways I never expected, and worry what this all says about me, worry that I’m perceived to be someone who is gullible.

“Wow.” It’s all I can say.

“I know…. Look,” he says apologetically, “I didn’t mean to lay all of this on you. I know I’m partially at fault … and I know it’s not going to change your decision about Hawke or take away how bad you were hurt, but I thought you should know.”

We stare at each other for a moment as tears begin to well in my eyes. I nod my head, letting him know I understand his reasons for being here, but I’m struggling to process everything. I can tell he’s uncomfortable so I’m not surprised when he says, “I should probably get going.”

“’Kay,” I murmur, lowering my eyes as he walks up to me and leans over to press a kiss to the top of my head much like my brother did. The hollow sound of his boots on the tile fills the house as he walks to the door before I hear the click of it shutting.

For the longest time, I stare at the same spot on the carpet with blurred eyes and muscles tense as I contemplate what’s best for me. And even when the first tear falls, I already know my answer, know that he’s who I want.

My hands have worried that damn piece of paper flat, edges are folded over, creases are faint but there. Can I live with that? Will those imperfections be the weak point ready to give when the edges are strained over another issue? That’s what I need to decide.

I want Hawkin on so many levels. I think I’m ready to fight for him. I just need to figure out how to go to him with a heart full of understanding rather than a fistful of resentment.

Chapter 33

HAWKIN

I tap the rhythm out to the song circling in my head, lyrics absent but beat present as I try to work through the nerves humming in my system. I’ve worked crowds of thousands of people but sitting here on the hard leather seat, the judge’s bench in front of me, Ben to my left, and nothing but the unknown stretched out before me, I’m nervous as fuck.

Add to that he took my phone from me so that it would not interrupt or distract the proceedings, so I’m shit out of luck when it comes to trying to ease my anxiety by getting lost in mindless rounds of Angry Birds.

I’d kill for some Skittles right now. Maybe candy would help calm me.

“Relax,” Ben murmurs, closing his hand over the top of mine to stop my thumb from thumping, and immediately the jogging of my knee beneath the table takes its place.

“Easy for you to say,” I snap, my misplaced anger directed at him. It’s not his future and his freedom on the line here. Come to think of it, it shouldn’t be mine either. I sigh loudly. This self-doubt is such a new thing these days and I hate it.

“I have a feeling everything is going to—”

“Feelings don’t mean shit!” I bark in a hushed whisper, and then squeeze my eyes shut to staunch my anger. I mean the comment in more ways than one, and I can’t fucking think about her right now because I need to focus on this, on the here and now.

Ben sighs in resignation as I glance over my shoulder for the hundredth time since we’ve been sitting here waiting for the judge to arrive. I know she won’t be here but for some reason I keep looking, keep hoping. I’m a poor fucking pussy-whipped sap.

Keep telling yourself that, Play, and you just might believe it. Being whipped is the least of the things I need to worry about. Thinking I’m falling in love with her is a tad bit larger.

I shake my head in shock as the realization hits me right now when I can’t do shit about it. The panic I expected to feel should this day ever occur doesn’t come because I’m scared, but rather because of how bad I fucked this up. I may finally have found a woman I’ll let in my battered heart and then lost her all in one fell swoop.

Stellar.

My eyes sweep back over the benches and see no one, not even Vince. I told the guys I didn’t want them here but despite that I still expected Vince to be here representing the band. And a small part of me is shocked that Hunter’s not here. I wouldn’t put it past him to want to watch his brother pay for his sin, take a little bit of joy out of me being in the legal hot seat for once. It’s a fucked-up thought but it’s true. Besides, he’s pissed at me enough right now because I’ve cut off his funds, so I’m thankful he’s skipping this party.

“Man you’re making me nervous,” Ben says in my ear, and thank fuck whatever was up his ass ten minutes ago when he walked in this courtroom has been removed because last thing I need right now is him being an asshole to the judge and jeopardizing my freedom. “There’s an accident on the ten. We just missed it but that’s why the judge is late. Just relax.” He draws the word out and if I hear the term one more time I’m gonna flip my shit.

If only traffic was the reason that Quinlan isn’t sitting behind me too. I’d bet a million times over that were things right between us, I could ask her to be here, but think I should refrain from doing what got me into the mess with her in the first place.

I tug on the collar of my shirt and wonder how in the hell Hunter can wear these damn shirts on a daily basis. I’ve got enough things trying to tighten around my throat and suffocate me, last thing I need to add to it is a shirt.

“Ben?” the feminine voice behind us says.

“What’s up, Steph?”

Steph? I turn to see who she is, surprised by the tiny, eye-catching woman behind me when I’m so used to Ben’s usual male aide. She holds out my phone and looks at Ben, asking if it’s okay for me to take it.