Taut: The Ford Book

I unplug the phone from the wires that connect it to the cassette player and hand it back to her. “Then will you get in the front with me again? I cross my heart, I won’t be interested in you at all.”

She grunts a little at that but doesn’t say anything. Her expression is almost sad as she looks through the music. Her fingers fly around the touch screen and then she hands it back. “There, that’s a good playlist.”

I plug it back in and look over her selection as the music starts. “The Naked and Famous. Never heard of them.”

“I’m not sure you count, Ford. No offense, but you’re sorta on the outskirts of fringe as far as pop culture goes.”

“Why would I possibly be offended?” I turn back in my seat and just look outside. “We’ve wasted the whole f**king day. It’s almost dark now.” She’s still in a mood so I get the silent treatment as the music plays. “This stuff is sorta sad, don’t you think?”

More silence. More sad music. More baby slurping noses. More darkness creeps in as the sun sets to the west. I’m about to lose my mind and insist that she come up front when I hear the sniffling. Like she’s trying to cover up sobs.

Fucking girls.

I wait it out and then the baby cries a little as she’s put back into the seat and I let out a long sigh of relief when the back door opens.

“Come to your senses?” But when I turn to watch her get in the front with me all I see is her back, walking off into the wilds of f**king Utah. I lower the window on the passenger side and yell, “Ashleigh! What the f**k are you doing?”

The baby does not care for my screaming one bit and decides she’s having none of it. I lean back and rock her seat a little. “Shhhh,” I tell her, like I’ve seen Ash do it. That f**king girl. What the hell is going on?

I turn the music off and start the engine. Ash has stopped walking away, and that’s a good sign, but she’s on her knees now, like she can’t take it anymore. I put the truck in four-wheel drive and plow down the small embankment, then drive slowly out towards Ashleigh. I keep the engine running and turn the heat on a little higher since the sun’s about to set and that means a sudden drop in temperature up here at this altitude.

I check Kate real fast, but she’s got her eyes closed, so I get out and close the door quietly. I walk a few paces towards Ashleigh and stop. “You OK?”

Dumb question. Obviously, she is not OK.

I walk a few more paces and shove my freezing hands into my pockets. Ash is only wearing one of my zippered hoodies—her winter coat was discarded when she started nursing. She’s got to be f**king cold. I cross the distance between us and I can hear small muffled sobs.

“Ash,” I say when I get directly behind her. “Come on, it’s cold out here. We can talk about it in the truck if you want.”

“I don’t,” she snaps. “I do not want to talk about it.” And then a full-fledged sob erupts and she bends over at the waist and presses her head to the frozen ground as she cries.

Fuck. I have no idea what to do.

“Ashleigh, get up. We don’t have time for this.”

She shakes her head and sobs harder.

I kneel down behind her and pull her up off the ground. “You’re freezing.” I wrap my arms around her upper body and pull her against my chest. She’s trying very hard to stop crying because she’s holding her breath, but that just makes it worse because her sobs escape eventually, only now she’s on the verge of hyperventilating. I can’t ask her what’s the matter because she’s not interested in talking about it. And she’s clearly not ready to get up off the ground.

So now what?

My mind races for an answer as her cries become more and more desperate-sounding. She is in full-on life-sucks mode.

“Ashleigh, I don’t know what to do for you. Just get in the truck with me.”

She shakes her head. “It can’t be fixed, Ford. Nothing will ever be better again.”

I guess she’s talking about her ex, but f**k, I have zero information on this girl beyond the fact that she’s not anywhere close to home and she’s got nothing but a baby going for her right now.

“I don’t know what’s going on with you. You’ve told me nothing. Is it bad?” I get a nod this time. That’s something. “The kind of bad that just makes you want to move away and never talk to anyone again?”

She’s silent for a moment, then she lifts her head a little. “No, Ford. The kind of bad that makes you want to curl up and die.”

I’m not an emotional guy. I mean, I get what she’s saying, but even after my dad died, I never wanted to like, kill myself or anything. I have a strong sense of self-preservation. And I suppose that’s why I don’t always put others first. I don’t really know how to put others first, but I’m good at manipulating people, so I figure I need to distract her. Take her mind off her f**ked-up life and redirect her somewhere else.

“I have never been to that place, Ashleigh. But I have had my share of f**ked-up times. A couple years ago I tried to fall off the face of the Earth and lose myself in work that took me as far away from Colorado as I could get. But the shit always catches up with you. In my case I lost a girl I liked, she died of an overdose. I almost got in a lot of trouble for something I did with some friends of mine, and then my dad…” She leans into me a little as soon as that word leaves my mouth. “My dad was killed in a…” I laugh for a second. “I was gonna lie and say a terrible accident, but it wasn’t an accident and everyone knows it.”