Taut: The Ford Book

“I think that town loves you, Ford. I think they care about you and were happy to see you come home. I think they worried about you. I didn’t hear anyone call you a freak. They thought you were adorable. Even Mrs. Pearson. She told me all about your childhood up on the mountain. You were quite the troublemaker, and she had this feigned annoyance to all her stories, but to me, she relived your antics like she was fond of you. Like you gave that town life when you were there.”

I just stare at her. For like half a minute at least. Because Ashleigh just told me something I’ve been dying to hear my whole life. “I got one bed because I want you next to me tonight. Touching me. Not sexually, I’d never do that with the baby in the room. But just… give it a try.”

“Well.” She giggles a little. “I was not expecting that. I’m up for some sixth-grade heavy petting if you are. I’ll walk you through it, step by step. From knee-rubbing to hand-holding, I’ll be your teacher.”

Fucking Ashleigh. “Knee-rubbing?”

“Yeah, you know, when you sit next to a girl and you bump your leg against hers and then you both get all tingly.”

I shake my head. “That has never happened.”

“Why? Because you had them bent over with their asses in the air? Or because you never felt that shocking excitement with a girl before?”

“Am I really having this conversation?”

“Yes. So tell me. Was it because you never got the chance or because you’ve just never found a girl who makes you excited like that? And I’m not talking hard-ons,” she says, nodding to my dick. This makes me laugh. “I’m talking that spark that says this one’s different. You said you were into this Rook girl, if that’s true, then you should’ve felt that feeling.”

I think about this for a moment. “I liked her. I wanted to kiss her.”

“Oh, you might fatally wound me with that admission!”

“I would’ve kissed her if she let me. But not when she’s with Ronin. I can’t do that. He’s too important.”

“Well, maybe that’s as close as you get then?” She shrugs and then notices the baby is asleep. She stands up and gently puts her in the middle of the bed. “I have to express this one,” she says pointing to the breast that got no baby attention. “I’m dying here. Be right back.”

And then she walks off to the bathroom topless to express.

I’m insta-hard again. I want to go in there and give her a helping hand, but I stay put and breathe. Fucking Ashleigh.

“Ford?” she calls from the bathroom.

“Yeah,” I answer back.

“That was your cue to get your ass in here and f**k me.”

I laugh and get up and go stand in the doorway. “I’m not f**king you, Ashleigh. I don’t even have condoms with me. Besides, I like watching you, so I’ll enjoy the view and you go ahead.”

She raises her eyebrows at me. “You want me to get myself off in front of you?”

“Why are you talking to me like this? You were so sweet when we met and now you’re all into the dirty talk.”

She leans over the sink and squeezes until the milk shoots out. It even makes a squirting sound. “I’m just trying my best to make you interested, that’s all. If you want me to stop, I will.”

I walk up behind her and lean down so I can talk in her ear. “Just slow down and be patient.”

She turns around so she can look up at my face. “I think once you figure me out, you won’t like me anymore. So I want to rush into it and then maybe you won’t run away when we get to LA.”

“Why would I run away?”

She swallows and looks down, like she feels defeated. “Because I’m a mess, Ford.”

I pull her towards me and put my arms around her bare back dragging a single finger up and down her spine “You seem pretty together to me, Ashleigh.” She shivers from my touch and I stop.

“No,” she says softly. “Don’t stop. I like it.”

I use two fingers this time, tracing the vertebrae of her spine. Her back buckles slightly and she gasps. “Does it hurt?” I ask.

She pulls back and looks up at me. “Hurt? No, it feels so good I almost can’t stand it.”

I squint my eyes as I try to imagine how she interprets these sensations, and then I flinch when her finger traces a line down my arm.

“Does it hurt you?” Ashleigh asks, her eyes trained on mine.

Do I want her to know me like this? Do I want her to know that I’m a freak, in the strictest definition of the word? Is this what intimacy entails? Baring your weaknesses to someone who might take advantage, but trusting them not to?

I let out a long breath. “Yeah. It f**king hurts.” Her finger pulls back but I catch her tiny wrist in my hand and study her face for a reaction. She’s listening, that’s all. Just listening. “I can stop it from hurting. It only takes a second, but my brain is wired wrong. Everything hurts until I tell it not to.”

“Oh shit, Ford. I’m sorry. I didn’t understand that.”

I shrug. “You wanted to know why I had to see so many doctors? It wasn’t for the Asperger’s, it was for this whole no touching thing. It took a really long time for someone to believe me. I’d tell them over and over again, just stop f**king touching me and I’ll be fine. But they never believed me because they could never find the cause of it. My dad was the only one who thought it was an actual physical response and not just some strange psychosis. And those f**king doctors all just wanted to poke me over and over again. It was like torture.”