Taut: The Ford Book
“You said you’ve done it before.” She takes a deep breath like she has a lot to say, then changes her mind and lets it out. “What?” I ask.
“It was… pretend, you know? He’d smack me a bit but it was never a consequence for an action. That’s different. It was just for fun.”
“Ah, I see.”
“You see what?” she asks as she grabs a new outfit from the diaper bag. I smile when I see it’s not a footied sleeper but the little pink sweat suit I picked out from the store yesterday. It’s got a silver princess crown on the shirt and leaping unicorns on the pant legs. Then Ash fishes through the bag until she comes up with some tiny white socks and a little bitty pair of pink sneakers.
“You don’t understand. So I’ll explain what you get. When you let me take control, you get to forget about everything but the ways in which I please you. You simply get to enjoy yourself.”
“Enjoy—? How is getting smacked fun?”
I laugh. “You’re supposed to be good and then you don’t get smacked, Ash. You wanted to be spanked that night, so I gave you what you asked for.”
“It sorta hurt. I did not enjoy that part. I like the soft spankings.”
“Then that’s a reward and to get those you have to be good.”
“Oh.” She Velcros the miniature sneakers onto Kate’s feet and the baby is actually content. I think it’s because she knows she looks cute. I take my phone out and snap a picture. Ashleigh glances over at me with a weird look on her face. “I want a picture of you wearing my t-shirt and panties, and her in the outfit I chose, because you two are adorable.” She picks Kate up and hugs her close, but she’s looking me straight in the eyes so I continue. “If you trust me to take care of you and do everything I ask, then it’s a very special experience.” She frowns at me. “Now what?”
“Do you have these special experiences with all the girls you control during sex?”
I shake my head. “I told you, Ashleigh. I do not care about them.”
“Yeah, but you said you didn’t care about me, either.”
I scratch my chin. I did say that. And I was mean about it.
“Do you care?” she asks.
“I like you, so I think I care.”
“I’m not sure think is good enough for me to trust you not to hurt me during sex—even if it’s just mentally. You asked me last night if I’m afraid of you and the answer is yes and no. Do I think you’re one of those ass**le woman-beaters? No. But you’re asking me to give up who I am to make you happy. And I’m not saying I’m unwilling to do that for certain people under certain circumstances. But I’m not about to make you happy at my own expense and get nothing in return but an orgasm. It’s too small of a thing. Too fleeting. Too insignificant. I’m not one of those girls who follows orders, Ford. I like the sexy spankings. I don’t mind posing for you in front of a window. I like some of this stuff. But I only like it when the person who is asking me to do these things actually cares about me.”
“Who did you do this with before? Tony?”
She swallows hard and for a moment I think she’ll cry, but she presses her lips together and tilts her chin up. “Yes, Tony.”
“And he loved you?”This time she can’t speak. She only nods.
“Well, how can I compete with him? I’m not him.”
“I know,” she chokes out as her chin quivers.
“Why are you crying?”
She hugs Kate close and it’s like the baby knows she needs comfort and rests her head on her shoulder.
“Why, Ashleigh?”
“I can’t talk about it. I just can’t. It hurts.”
“Why are you on this road trip?”
She sniffles and sits down at the little dining table. Kate’s eyes are closed now. “I just need to see him, Ford. I told you, I’ll let it go once I get all this stuff off my chest. But—”
She cries now. Real tears, not holding it in. They are silent, but even sadder than if she was actually sobbing. I give her a few moments to pull it together and then I prod again. “But what?”
“None of this is fair to me. Nothing is fair. I’m the one who got shit on in every way. I had everything and now I have nothing.”
“You have Kate.”
She rolls her eyes at me and sniffs again. “I know that. Believe me, I realize how significant that is. But I still want him, Ford. It’s like my insides have been ripped out. Like I’m empty. Life has no meaning. And I’m tired of hearing that I have to let it go and move on. I’m tired of it. I’m just not ready to let it all go and give up on that dream we had.”
“So this trip is what? A break from reality?”
She thinks about this for a few moments, sniffs. I grab a tissue from a box on the dresser and hand it to her. “Yes. That’s a good way to look at it. A break. A pause. I just needed things to stop for a while. Does that makes sense? I just need to think.”
“Maybe you’re thinking too much?”
She rolls her eyes again and snorts.
“Like I was, back in my dad’s office with the Scotch. Surrounded by all those pictures of us living life.”
She looks up at this. She’s paying attention to me.
“Maybe you just need to feel and stop thinking, Ashleigh?”
“But it feels bad, Ford. I’m OK if I think of other things. You really help, actually. You take my mind off him.”