The Goodbye

He gazed at me with that look. A look I hadn’t seen in so long that it hit me hard. That was the look I wanted. “You’re too special, too fucking precious, for what I’ve become.”

I didn’t like that answer. I also didn’t believe him. Just moments ago, he was looking at me like he wanted nothing more than to have me. “What if I want what you’ve become? What if the man I see is the one I want? Do I not get a choice?” I realized that I meant every word. I did want the man he had become. He was different, but so was I. Didn’t he see that? I was harder and tougher, and I could survive. Just like him. It didn’t make him less appealing. I was a woman now. I needed a man. Not the boy from my memories.

“You don’t understand, and I can’t tell you. If I did, you’d leave town and never look back. I can’t let that happen. I want to prove that I can be the father Franny deserves. I won’t let you down.”

But he didn’t want to be anything to me. It went unspoken, but it was clear. The realization sliced through me in a way that I’d never get over, but I was tough. I was a survivor, and I wouldn’t beg anyone to want me. I’d done that as a child once, and my mother had left me anyway. Never again. Not even for River Joshua Kipling.

Captain

My mood had gone to hell. I’d snarled answers to anyone brave enough to ask, and Jamieson was annoying the shit out of me, in his suit, with his iPad Mini. Tonight couldn’t end soon enough. Staying busy was all that kept me from stalking Addy and watching every move she made.

When she’d walked out of my office without a word, I’d known I’d been close to drawing her in. I could have kissed her. She’d have let me. When she had leaned into me and her body had responded to my hands, I’d felt like the king of the world. Then she’d told me what I’d already feared. The innocence that shone through her eyes wasn’t an act.

While I had changed over the years, making sure to destroy my emotions to kill the pain, Addy had essentially stayed the same. She had become tough, and she’d learned to survive, but that only made her more special. How could I touch her? How was I even worthy to be near her? Fuck, if she knew the things I wanted to do to her, she’d be terrified. All she’d had was a boy who was so in love with her that sweet, easy sex had been perfect.

But I didn’t want that with her. I wanted her naked and bent over my desk with her legs spread, so I could kneel between them and taste her, something I’d never done. I wanted her knees to buckle as I held her up with my hands and ran my tongue through her heat until she cried out my name, trembling from my kiss. Then I wanted to slam into her hard from behind and watch her face in a mirror as she came all over my dick. Because there would be no condom with her. I wanted nothing between us.

Closing my eyes, I considered leaving early. I couldn’t keep this up. Every move she made, I knew it. Even if I wasn’t watching her like I wanted to, I felt her. I knew who she was talking to and what she was doing.

Her laughter rang out, and my eyes snapped open, and a thick tightness rolled over me. She was in the kitchen. Motherfucker was making her laugh. The fury boiling in my veins was more than I could tamp down. He’d been warned.

I slammed through the back kitchen door, and my gaze locked on Addy immediately as she looked over at Brad. The smile was still on her face, and all I wanted to do was beat the hell out of my head chef until I had blood on my knuckles. The blackness I knew should never touch her cloaked me, and I couldn’t stop. I kept moving toward them. This was the monster I didn’t want her to see. The one I had lost control over.

“Don’t,” I said, my glare leveled on Brad. I didn’t say more. The need to hurt him was choking me.

His eyes went wide, and I could see the uncertainty and fear. I wanted that. He needed to fucking fear me. I wasn’t a whole man. I was a broken, fucked-up one, and he was getting too close to the one woman who owned me.

“Captain!” Addy’s voice snapped at me, but I didn’t look at her.

I kept my eyes locked on Brad until he nodded and dropped his attention to the food in front of him.

“Captain,” Addy said again, clearly annoyed.

I turned to look over her head at the wall. I couldn’t let her see my eyes right now. I knew the evil she’d see there. The evil that seeped through me.

“This isn’t OK.” She sounded furious now.

“Don’t let him near you” was all I said, before walking away.

If she didn’t understand why I’d done what I’d done earlier today, then I wasn’t sure she would ever get it. I had to go outside and calm down. There wasn’t a gym open at this time in this small town, and right now, I needed to hit something until I was too exhausted to stand up.

“Table five is unhappy with their steak, although it’s cooked to their requested temperature,” Jamieson said, hurrying toward me.

I didn’t give a rat’s ass if table five was unhappy. “Handle it. No time like the present to learn to deal with shit,” I said, with a snarl I couldn’t control, before heading outside.

Ten years ago

When I opened the door to Addy’s room, I froze. My breathing ceased. My heart stopped. I couldn’t move. It was late, and my mother was asleep across the house near my own bedroom. I had been waiting until I knew her sleeping medicine had kicked in before coming to Addy.

This wasn’t what I was expecting. In her dark room, with the moonlight shining down on her, Addy stood in front of me wearing nothing. Absolutely nothing. I needed to speak or breathe or something, but I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. I was afraid I was asleep, and if I moved, I’d wake up, and this would be gone.