The Goodbye

She took several steps back until she was leaning against the wall, staring at me.

I wanted to know what she was thinking. The look of revulsion I had feared wasn’t on her face, but she wasn’t OK with this. I could tell that much. But then, I hadn’t expected her to be.

“Will others track you down?”

I shook my head no. “That was an unusual situation. Most don’t know who did the job. The gang knew because of their dealings with Benedetto in the past.”

She ran a hand through her hair nervously. “You could have died.”

“No, I couldn’t have. I went in with backup, and I had a gun. I’m a professional. I was safe.”

“A professional killer?”

That was what I didn’t want her to think. “That’s not what I meant. I knew what I was doing. I was safe.”

“What if more come? What if they hurt Franny?” She covered her mouth and shook her head, as if the idea had just hit her.

I sat up, wincing at the pain in my leg, wishing like hell I could pull her into my arms to reassure her. “No one will ever touch Franny or you. I’d never let it happen. You’re my life, Addy. The two of you are my life.”

Addy backed away, moving to the door. “I can’t,” she said, shaking her head no. “I just can’t.” Then she spun around and ran out the door.

I couldn’t move. She’d left me, and I couldn’t fucking move to go after her.

Addy

He killed people.

I stood in the kitchen, staring outside, with a cup of coffee in my hand, that simple fact running through my head. Franny was safely at school, and I needed sleep, but I wasn’t sure that would ever come again.

I loved him.

That was the other thing I couldn’t get out of my head. I loved him, even still. Maybe more. How screwed-up did that make me? How could I love him more for killing people? Because they were scum who abused kids? Did that make it OK? In my heart, it did. I wanted perverts who ruined kids’ lives to die. Just thinking of someone hurting Franny that way made me furious. If someone were to abuse her, I’d kill him myself.

So did that make me any different?

He told me the truth when he didn’t have to. That was something he never had to tell me. He could have lied to me. He could have made up a story that made sense. Telling me the truth had been big. Huge, even. Which made me love him even more.

I was still sorting it all out. I’d run away from the hospital shortly after River had finished his story. All I’d been able to see was Franny’s face in the moment. The fear that his life choices could hurt her had been too much. She wanted him in our life as much as I did, but at what cost could I let that happen?

Was he right that this was it? No more backlash from his past could threaten him and potentially threaten our daughter? I wanted to believe that and move on, but she was my first priority. She needed me to protect her. Being selfish because I loved River so much I couldn’t breathe wasn’t acceptable. I had to do what was best for her.

But being near her father felt right. I wanted it to be right. To be safe. And I wanted to trust him to keep her safe.

I wanted her to have everything. Stability. A father.

I had wanted River most of my life. He had gotten lost and found a way to survive, and as much as I didn’t support what he had done, it didn’t change the fact that I loved him. I would always love him.

I set my coffee cup down on the counter. I knew what I was going to do. I either had to own this or run from it. I’d never run from anything before. Except when I was trying to save River’s life.

This time, I wanted to give all three of us the life that had been stolen from us. I had that in my power now. I wasn’t a scared teenage girl with no one to turn to. I was tough. I’d learned to survive on my own, and I had made it.

It was time I stopped being scared.

• • •

Two hours later, I had Franny with me, and we walked to River’s hospital room. I’d explained to her that he had been shot in the leg by accident, and he was going to be fine. She’d panicked, of course, but I’d calmed her down. Then she’d made me go to the store and get him a bag of chocolate kisses, a box of doughnuts, a bag of chips, and two Get Well balloons. This was apparently what she felt everyone needed to feel better.

“Do you think he’ll be awake?” she asked, as we made our way down the hall toward his room.

“I don’t know, but we will wait for him quietly if he’s sleeping,” I assured her, because I knew that once we got in, she wasn’t going to want to leave.

When we got close to the door, I heard a woman’s voice, and she sounded upset. I paused, not sure I wanted to take Franny in just yet.

“Someone is in there, Mommy,” Franny said, looking up at me, concerned.

“I bet it’s his sister, Blaire. Maybe we should wait—”

“You can’t leave,” I heard. “Stop being so stubborn! I’ll call her. I’ll get her up here. You can’t even walk, Captain.” Blaire’s voice had risen so that her words were crystal-clear. Unmistakable.

He was trying to leave because of me. I reached for Franny’s hand and hurried her toward the room with me. He didn’t need to move. I just hoped he hadn’t tried yet. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if he made his injury worse.

“I’m leaving this fucking hospital and—” His words stopped when he saw Franny and me. He took us both in, along with the items we held in our arms.

“Hey,” Franny said, sounding nervous. “I don’t think you need to get up. You’ll hurt your leg worse. Tell him, Mommy. He can’t get up.”