The Girl He Used to Know (Page 17)

Jonathan didn’t talk as much after that, and around ten o’clock I started yawning.

“Are you not having a good time?” he asked.

“I’m having a wonderful time, but I’m very tired.”

“Do you want me to take you home?”

“Okay.”

* * *

Jonathan turned off his truck and walked me to the entrance of my building. I had to really concentrate in order to remember everything Janice had told me. “Thank you I had such a great time and I really like being around you and dinner was so good.” It came out all at once, and when I finally reached the end of that long, rambling statement, I had to gasp for air.

“I had a great time, too.”

“For real?”

He grabbed my hand and held it gently in his large palm. “Yes.”

“Are you going to kiss me?”

He laughed. “I was planning on it, yes.”

“Okay. I’m ready.”

He laughed again, but it wasn’t the mean kind of laugh; at least, I didn’t think it was. He cupped my jaw in his hands and pressed his lips to mine. He closed his eyes, which was good, because I could leave mine open so I wouldn’t miss anything. I felt the same warmth I’d felt when Jake first kissed me, but it was so much better with Jonathan. He opened his eyes and I looked away as fast as I could.

“Have you ever been kissed?” he asked.

“Only by Jake but that doesn’t count because he only did it to trick me. Did I not do it right?”

“You did it right,” he said.

I wanted to believe him. “Do it again.”

So he did.

* * *

Janice was waiting up for me. I had barely walked in the door and hadn’t even taken off my coat when the questions started. “How was your date? Do you like him? Where did you go? I want to hear all about it.”

“Most of the date was good. I liked the meatball sandwiches, but I still hate bars. We went to Kam’s and Jake was there. When I saw him, I freaked out. I almost got hit by a car because I ran right into the street. I just wanted to get away from him. Jonathan ran after me and we went back to his place. It was nice. Quiet. I told him about what had happened with Jake and he was nice about it. I felt comfortable with him. Like I could tell him things that I’ve only been able to tell you. I drank part of my beer but couldn’t finish it. When he walked me to the door I told him I had a great time and liked being around him and then he kissed me. It was so great!”

Janice made this noise like a loud sigh. “There’s nothing quite like a first kiss. What else did you do?”

“We mostly talked. He wants to move to New York someday and make lots of money. I found out he had to transfer here because he let people cheat off him at Northwestern because he was broke.”

Janice put her hand on my arm. “Annika. What did you say to Jonathan after he told you about the cheating?”

“I told him cheating was wrong because it is. It’s horrible.”

“And how did he seem after that?”

“I don’t know. He didn’t say anything for a while, I guess. I didn’t mind, though. Sometimes it’s nice to sit quietly with someone.”

“Sometimes it’s important to let the people we care about know that a single incident doesn’t have to define them. He shouldn’t have cheated, I’m not saying that was okay. But it sounds like he made an error in judgment based on his circumstances. It happens. And then we learn from our mistakes and we don’t make them again.”

“I did it all wrong, didn’t I? I said the wrong thing and he’ll probably never want to see me again. Do you think I hurt his feelings?” The thought of that made me want to cry, because Jonathan had always been so careful with mine.

“I think he probably just wanted to be understood. You told him about Jake, which was a very personal thing for you to share. He probably felt like he could tell you something personal too, and he mentioned the cheating because that was a difficult situation for him.”

“How do you know these things? You weren’t even there!”

“I just do. And I’ll help you so that the next time you see him, you’ll say all the right things.”

But would I? Now I’d be constantly worrying about the next dumb thing that might fly out of my mouth. “The thing I don’t understand is why Jonathan would like me? And don’t say it’s because I’m pretty.”

“I think you have a lot of wonderful things to offer people if they’ll just give you a chance. I learned that our freshman year. Others can, too.”

“I like him. I really, really do.”

It was the first time in my life I’d ever felt this way about anyone.

16

Annika

THE UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS

AT URBANA-CHAMPAIGN

1991

Jonathan had told me on the phone that he’d come by after lunch to walk me to class. He’d called almost every night since our date, and twice we’d gone to lunch together. I’d felt an incredible thrill when he grabbed my hand as we walked to class afterward, because no one had ever done that. Whenever I walked alone on campus, I would stare at the couples walking hand in hand, wondering what it would feel like, and now I knew.

“Annika?” Janice said, knocking on my door. “Jonathan is here.”

My bed was in the corner of the room and I’d been lying on my side facing the wall, because that was my favorite position for reading. I was in the middle of a chapter and didn’t really want to stop. My back was to Jonathan, so I couldn’t see him as he approached the bed, but I knew he was there, because I could smell chlorine.

“Are you ready?” he asked.

“I’m not going to class.”

“Are you sick?”

“No. But I’m very tired.”

“Did you stay up late studying?”

“I was up late reading. I never finished my assignment.”

“Do you need help?” I could hear Jonathan shuffling through the pile of papers strewn across the bed.

“I knew how do to it, but I didn’t feel like working on it. It’s boring.”

More shuffling of papers. “Is this … is this in Italian?”

“Yes.” I’d spent an hour the night before translating an old essay I’d written last year, the synapses in my brain firing in absolute joy at the task. So much more enjoyable than my unfinished homework.

“What are you going to do with it?”

“I don’t know. Save it, probably.” I was still reading my book while I answered his questions.

“Can you turn around so I can see your face?”

“Sure.”

I put down the book and rolled onto my other side. “Hi,” he said.

“Hi!”

I remained lying on my side, so Jonathan stretched out on the bed in the same position, facing me. Looking directly into his eyes—or anyone’s, really—made me uncomfortable, so I stared at his nose. “Do you want to kiss me?” For so long, I’d envied the affection other people seemed to acquire effortlessly. Holding hands and kissing someone felt like finally being able to nibble at a buffet that had delicacies I had yet to fully sample, and I was eager to try every one of them. After years of loneliness and isolation, receiving attention and affection from another person boosted my spirits unbelievably. It was an infinitely preferable way to go about life.

“I wanted to kiss you the minute I walked into your room.”

“Then why didn’t you?” I couldn’t comprehend why he would wait when he clearly wanted to do it. There were probably a whole bunch of rules about kissing I didn’t understand and would have to muddle my way through, and that took a little bit of the joy out of it, replacing it with anxiety, my constant emotional companion.

“Because it might have seemed rude not to at least talk to you for a while first. And I want you to know that I’m not like Jake.”

“I never think you’re like Jake. I like you, and I liked kissing you the other night. As soon as it was over, I wanted to do it again as soon as possible.”

“I liked kissing you, too.”

“I need to tell you something. I wasn’t very understanding about the cheating. Sometimes I don’t say the right things, but you’ve been so nice to me, and I know you’re a good person. Everyone does something at least once in their lives that they regret later. I’m sorry you had to transfer here.”

“Oh. Okay. Well, thanks for that. It hasn’t been all bad.”

“It hasn’t?” It had sounded pretty bad.

“No.”

“Okay. Do you think we’ve talked enough?”

Jonathan laughed. “Yes.”

He kissed me then, and it was different from before, but in a good way. Our good-night kiss at the door had been shorter, but these kisses were longer, and each one seemed to melt into the next. He did, in fact, taste a little like Pep O Mint Life Savers, and his kisses weren’t sloppy or too rough. He took frequent enough breaks that I didn’t feel like I was suffocating, and he was careful not to crush me with his body. Jonathan slipped his arm under my head, and his palm rested on my hip, but other than those two contact points, he did not try to touch me.