The Impact of You(36)
Author: Kendall Ryan

Once I get my breathing under control, I get dressed and curl up in the big bed, hugging a pillow against my chest to combat the empty feeling inside. It does little good, because the pillow smells like him. It’s comforting, but it also makes the throb in my chest more painful.

I spend the night tossing and turning against the lumpy mattress, begging my brain to shut off so I can sleep. Sleep finally comes, but it’s restless.

In the morning, neither Jase nor I speak about last night. We grab breakfast from the lobby – bitter tasting coffee and stale muffins – and hit the road. I can tell he regrets coming with me. Hell, he probably thinks I’m an all-out basket case. And maybe I am. But I can’t focus on everything that’s gone wrong between us right now. Today is the today I’ve been waiting for all my life. I push away the dark, swirling thoughts about Jase’s hasty departure last night and climb into the car.

After two hours of driving, I pull off the highway with the excuse of needing to fill up the gas tank, but really I just need a break. My knuckles are sore from gripping the steering wheel and my emotions are all over the place. Luckily, Jase doesn’t comment that I still have half a tank, he just gets out of the car and begins pumping the gas, then offers to drive the last leg of the trip. I merely nod and shove the keys at him.

Jase’s expression is guarded and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. But I try not to worry about that, and instead slump into the passenger seat while he runs inside to the convenience store. He returns a few minutes later with bottles of water and soda and a few chocolate bars.

He gets in beside me and dumps everything onto my lap. “You should have some sugar…it’ll make you feel better.”

I nod and tear into a Hershey’s bar, taking a small nibble from the corner. Jase is right, the sugar floods my system and perks me up the slightest bit. I finish the whole chocolate bar and drink half the soda as he takes over driving. We’re getting close now – the GPS on my phone says only a couple more turns before we reach our final destination. It sounds ominous.

Jase is silent, but I can see him stealing glances at me from the corner of his eye as he drives. We still haven’t talked about last night. I wonder if I should feel embarrassed for practically kicking him out of my room naked and very obviously turned on, but that’s not even making the cut right now. My entire being is absorbed by the fact I’m about to meet my mom.

Eventually we pull onto a tree-lined street. The homes are small, but well-maintained. It’s surreal to finally see where she lives – to think, if things had been different, this is where I could’ve grown up. I watch the addresses as we pass and my heartbeat builds to a staggering level in my chest.

Jase slows to a stop and parks in front of a single-story brick home with a paved brick walkway cutting through the front yard. “We’re here.”

Chapter 28

Jase

Watching Avery meet her mom for the first time is physically painful. I can feel the jittery excitement, the thick awkward air hanging around us as they take each other in, the moment Avery decides they should hug and reaches out in a sloppy attempt at a one-armed embrace. God, I wish I could make this moment easier on her. Jessica, her mom, hugs her back, flinging both arms around. They sob onto each other’s shoulders. A tight feeling invades my chest as I watch them.

There’s no denying the resemblance. Avery and her mom share many of the same features: their long, wavy auburn-colored hair, the bright emerald eyes and smattering of freckles across the bridge of their noses. Watching them hug is more emotionally taxing than I would have thought. I’d approached this whole thing with Avery in mind – being there for her was my goal. I didn’t expect to be overcome at the sight of their reunion. Yet, I can’t deny that watching a mother and child lay eyes on each other for the first time in nineteen years doesn’t pull at something deep inside me. My chest gets tight, and I can’t help but think of my own parents right now. Even if we’ve gone through some messed up stuff together, I’m still glad they’re my parents. I can’t imagine the emotions of knowing you were put up for adoption. It makes me want to hold Avery, to kiss away her tears. I vow never to f**k up again with her like I did last night. She deserves more, and if she’ll let me try again, I intend to give her everything.

After several minutes of hugging, sobbing and pointing out similarities, Jessica releases her hold on Avery and I introduce myself as Avery’s friend. Feeling generous, she gives me a solid hug too. Apparently the atmosphere is contagious. Jessica leads us up the walkway toward the house and I find Avery’s hand, squeezing it in mine. She wipes at her eyes and gives me a shaky smile. I’m so glad she didn’t insist on doing this alone.

Jessica’s house is small, but nicely decorated. The living room holds two couches separated by a coffee table tackled with books. She directs me and Avery to take a seat. I let Avery choose her spot, then sit down next to her. Jessica sits across from us, and silence fills the room as the enormity of this moment sinks in.

“Sooo…” I chuckle nervously, attempting to help jumpstart the conversation that neither of them seems to know how to begin. “Jessica, what do you do?”

She swallows and tears her eyes away from Avery briefly. “Oh, right.” She smiles warmly. “I teach high school English.”

Avery’s eyes widen. “English was my favorite subject in high school.”

Jessica continues and we learn she isn’t married and doesn’t have any other children. She lives alone, aside from a cat, and loves to read – another thing she and Avery have in common. I think Avery’s relieved to find she’s so normal. I know I am. I would have felt terrible for Avery to discover her mom was a weirdo.

Jessica prepares sandwiches for lunch and they catch up while we eat. I notice they have the same mannerisms – fidgeting with their napkins, tucking hair behind their ears, even their posture is the same. It’s uncanny.

After lunch, Avery shares some photos from her childhood, and it’s the first time I’ve seen her dads. They seem like a happy family. Jessica asks some questions, but doesn’t pry. She keeps the conversation more in the here and now – what Avery’s majoring in, how she likes her classes, things like that. Avery, taking her cues from Jessica, doesn’t delve into the past either, though she’s got to be curious about Jessica’s decision to give her up for adoption, about her birthfather. I know I am. But perhaps there’s a certain etiquette to these things, and the heavier topics will come at the next meeting.