The Rush
“They said you were super talented,” Phoenix pressed.
“I don’t know about that. I’ve been playing most of my life though,” I answered truthfully. I embraced the distraction from Ryder’s intense focus and line of questioning.
“So you’ll play for us then?” Phoenix asked so casually I almost didn’t catch the weight of his words.
“What do you mean? For Sugar Skulls?” I asked a bit hysterically.
“Yeah, we’re looking for a keyboardist,” Phoenix’s eyes lit up with excitement and expectation while Ryder stilled to stone next to me. “We need you, Ives.”
“No, I don’t think you do,” I backtracked quickly. “I’ve only ever played classical. I wouldn’t even know how to go about playing with you guys. Plus, it will mess up your whole look if you add a girl. It’s cool that you would think of me, but honestly I would be more work than it’s worth.”
“Don’t be so modest, Red,” Ryder chided with a challenge. “I’ll help you out, help you get the feel of playing with a band. It will be good for you. Expand your horizons and all that.”
I cleared my throat nervously. “My mom probably isn’t going to be Ok with it.”
Phoenix’s entire body sagged with disappointment. His eyes pulled into huge, cartoonish versions of sadness and his lower lip slipped out into the most pathetic pout. “Aw, Ivy, we need you. Come on, don’t you want to help out your friends?”
“It’s not that. I mean, I would if I could. But you guys probably have lots of practices, plus the gigs and I don’t think I can commit to all of that right now. Don’t forget, I’ve never even played in a band before. I’ve never had to try to play with anyone. It’s probably outside of my skill set. I just don’t want to disappoint you guys, that’s all.” I hurried through my list of excuses trying to convince them to look elsewhere but I went wrong somehow. They only seemed to grow more determined the farther down my lame pile of excuses I got.
“How about we just start with one song, yeah?” Ryder asked just a fraction more gently but it was enough to break down my resolve. “You play one song with us and decide from there.”
I hesitated, wanting to say yes, but needing to say no.
Phoenix looked at me expectantly, the energy in his body slowly building again until he
bounced with the restrained excitement. “Come on, Ivy, we need you.” he pleaded with me, his hands pressed together in prayer position.
I opened my mouth to say yes when the office door flung wide and Mrs. Tanner hauled her large frame through the narrow space and gasped in horror at our little pow wow. “What is going on out here?” she snapped, her beady eyes falling immediately on me.
“Hall pass!” Phoenix held up the awkward wooden board with an abrupt swing of his arm and started walking backwards toward his classroom. “Check you guys later.”
I waved at Phoenix limply and waited for Tanner the Wench’s wrath. I leaned back against the wall Ryder was resting on and worked my expression into bored. Not that I wasn’t feeling the sharp pangs of panic, but it was more important to piss Mrs. Tanner off than anything else in the world.
“Where’s your hall pass Ivy Pierce?” Mrs. Tanner snapped.
“I don’t have one. Yet,” I clipped the “t” sharply just to get under her skin.
“Ryder? Please don’t tell me you’re abusing your office aide privileges with her,” Mrs. Tanner asked desperately in a high shriek.
Before he could even speak, a pang of guilt punched me in the stomach and I knew I had to salvage what was left of Ryder’s reputation. “Not to worry, T. Ryder wouldn’t be caught dead helping the likes of me. He’s smarter than that, aren’t you Ryder?” But before he could answer I pushed off from the wall and walked purposefully toward my locker located on the opposite end of the hall. “He was in the middle of sending me to you.”
“You’re not getting a pass from me,” she laughed bitterly and shook her head, gray tinged hair flying.
“That’s what I told him,” I tossed my thumb over my shoulder and rolled my eyes for her benefit. “I’d much rather take the detention than have to deal with you this early in the morning anyway.”
“Careful little girl or it will be worse than a detention,” Mrs. Tanner hissed.
I mashed my lips together dramatically and then zipped them closed with my forefinger and thumb before walking on. I didn’t even bother to stop by my locker. I shoved my cropped jacket into my backpack on my way to class and didn’t slow down until I had been reprimanded by my Government teacher and slid to safety in the seventies era desk.
My heart hammered in my chest, pounding out my guilt and shame for including Ryder on the rollercoaster I lived on. He was crazy to spend more time with me, to ask questions about my life. So much could happen to him, to me…. to us.
And yet my hand still vibrated with little tingles where he touched me.
The morning of classes was a blur of movement and confusion. I knew I went to all of my classes, and walked through the halls to get there, but my mind stayed busy with thoughts of Ryder. Always Ryder. I went over his song, the car ride home last night, his interaction with Nix and then again this morning over and over and over until I felt a little bit crazy. The constant argument of whether he was drawn to me because of my curse or that I was completely misreading his intentions warred back and forth in my head until the voices felt like they were screaming at each other.
By the time I walked into lunch I gave up trying to declare a clear winner and gave into the fuzzy haze of exhaustion instead. I avoided the buffet line completely and wandered over to Chase, hoping to extract the easy warmth he readily gave out. The rest of our little group was stretched out on the long benches, munching away at their meals, completely blind to the turmoil spinning inside me.
“Hey,” Chase murmured against my hair before he pressed a kiss to my temple.
“Hey,” I sighed right back, leaning into him. Instant relief settled over me and I felt myself take my first full breath of the morning.
That is until I lifted my eyes and accidentally met Ryder’s disapproving stare from across the table. His granite eyes were back and colder than ever. He shook his head slowly as if I didn’t feel bad enough from just the look he sent me. His eyes shifted to Chase for just a second before coming back to me. His message was clear.
Just last night Nix gave me a direct order to date him for two more weeks. But Ryder was right. I couldn’t keep stringing Chase along. I couldn’t treat him like this. Not when he had been so great to me. A shaky breath vibrated through me and I pulled my courage together.
Knowing Nix was out of the country might have helped too.
“Hey, can we go somewhere?” I asked in a subdued voice so only Chase could hear.
“Sure,” he smiled down at me until he noticed my expression. “Everything ok?”
“Let’s just go somewhere,” I stood up quickly and fled from the cafeteria with all of its prying eyes. I felt Chase close behind me but didn’t turn around until we had slipped out a west side door that faced the art museum. The drizzle had stopped for now, but the gray October sky promised more rain to follow. The grass between the school and marbled art museum was brown with the threat of winter and soggy and slick with mud.
“Ivy?” Chase asked when I kept my space from him outside and crossed my arms.
“Chase,” my voice faltered before I even started with the hard stuff. “You’re really great-“
“Oh, no,” he sighed. He ran his hands over his face roughly and then had to push his dirty blonde hair out of his eyes. “I’m not going to like this am I?”
“I jumped into this too soon, I think,” it felt weird being truthful with him. But this was the truth. I was breaking up with Chase for all the right reasons, even if I would have done the same thing for the wrong ones. “I’m just not ready for any kind of relationship. Not even a slow one.”
“You’re breaking up with me before we were really ever together?” Chase turned his back on me and pressed two palms against the rough stone of the building like he could push through it.
“I just don’t want you to think that this was you or anything you did,” I rushed to offer promises. “This is all me. I ‘m just still…. broken,” I admitted lamely. My voice filled with emotion and my lungs felt closed off and drowning with dread, but between the two of us there was nothing. I didn’t know Chase enough to really be upset about it. The only emotions I felt were selfish and shallow. I felt bad for letting him down and guilty for letting the curse pull him in only to push him right back out.
“No,” I swore. And then hated the lie. “Ok, maybe?”
That earned me a small crack in his surely demeanor and he smiled at me. “I really like you Ivy.” His words were a harsh whisper of declaration.
“No you don’t,” I whispered back. “You think you do. But you deserve someone who can give you everything. Who can give you a complete version of a relationship.” The truth hurt as it came out of my mouth, like it was barbed and prickly and ripped from my throat. It settled into the air like weights pressing against my chest, oppressive and suffocating.
“What if I would rather have you?” Chase turned around so he could face me again. He brushed away the leftover gravel on his hands against his pants. His gaze was piercing, demanding.
“You can’t have me, Chase.”
We stared at each other for a few moments while he accepted this truth. There was no real connection between us; our interest in each other had barely been two weeks long. Still, the curse was hard to walk away from. That was the whole point.
Sailors to their graves and all.
“Does anyone get to have you, Ivy?” he asked somberly. His blue eyes were the deepest I’d seen them, dark rises of ocean waves.
I shook my head and looked away.
Nope, no one got me. And I planned to save all mankind by keeping that true.
“When you’re, um, not broken anymore?” I lifted my eyes to meet his very serious ones. “Think of me?”
“When I’m not broken anymore, Chase, you will be the first person I think of.” My throat was thick and coated with emotion and not even because of Chase.
Because I knew there wouldn’t be a time when I wasn’t broken.
Only a time when I would be free.
Chase shot me one more of his adorable grins and seemed to accept his defeat with grace. “Ivy,” he nodded as way of goodbye.
“Goodbye Chase,” I forced a smile back and then watched him slip back into the building.
I stood outside in the damp air, the chilly wind coasting across my arms and face. I had no energy to face the halls of high school again after that. I felt emotionally drained and empty. Another breakup was just a reminder in the long list of reasons my life would never be what it should be. Born into this world, I was already a slave. And unless I worked out my own freedom, I would remain a slave until the day I died.
My phone chimed with a new text message. I pulled it out of my jeans pocket and didn’t recognize the number although it was local.
Thank you for that.
For what? Who is this?
For Chase. Ryder.
Freaking Ryder.
How did you get my number? I wasn’t exactly surprised that he had it. But still.
Your file.
You have access to my file? What the hell…. I kind of wanted to strangle him at this point.
Not why I’m texting. Band practice tonight. I will pick you up. 7.
But I just broke up with Chase.
And I still need you.
My heart started pounding fast and hard in my chest and even though the rational part of my brain screamed he was only talking about the band, I couldn’t help but repeat that phrase over and over and over. I still need you. I still need you. I still need you.
And even though I knew this was the opportunity to run, to cut ties completely with Ryder and that entire circle of friends that deserved more than knowing me…. I could take on the wrestling team. Or band geeks. Or drop out of school today and save everyone the hassle of dealing with me. My fingers were typing out my response before anything logical and sane registered. Instead the rush of those words were all that I felt.
I still need you.
That’s what sealed the deal.
Fine.
Chapter Twenty-Four
“My cell number is not in my file,” I declared irritably when I climbed into Ryder’s death trap that night.
I had been waiting on the stairs in front of the circular drive in front of my apartment building for fifteen minutes and I was cold and a little bit damp. Even though Nix was out of the country and my mom was off on a date, I hated the idea of Ryder stepping foot in my building again. I wanted him nowhere near where the Queen of the Damned, aka my mother, resided. Nor did I want him caught on security tape entering the building. And even though I was extremely annoyed with him for making me do this stupid band thing… Ok, I was annoyed because he made me want to do the band thing…. I wasn’t stupid enough to draw attention to him twice in one week.
Did I really think Nix checked the security tape of our building whenever he was away, which was usually most of the time?
No.
Well. Maybe.
I wouldn’t put it past him.
It was a risk I was not willing to take anyway.
“It’s not?” Ryder asked completely innocently. He shot me a crooked smile from the driver’s seat of his Bronco, not even calling attention to the fact I didn’t say hello. I kind of liked him more for that. He wasn’t all about being polite. He could just roll with anything.