The Tied Man

‘Why?’

I gave a sigh of frustration.  ‘Oh, for heaven’s sake Finn, I’m not that crass.  It’s just that I’m bloody freezing here, and it might be wishful thinking but it’s the only place in this shithole where I even begin to feel like I’m on my own territory.’

‘That’s not an answer.’

I held my hands up. ‘All right.  If you want me to be excruciatingly honest, I don’t fancy being by myself in some bloody madhouse that doesn’t even let me flick on the TV when I can’t stand the sound of my own breathing.  So right now I need some intelligent conversation and civilised company until I’m too knackered to keep my eyes open, and seeing as I’m not going to get that, you’ll have to do.  Will that suffice?’

‘Maybe.’

I was still cursing myself for being so forward when he asked, ‘What about Bran?’  He gestured at his dog, who dozed contentedly on a towel laid out on the warm flagstones by the stove.

‘I haven’t let a dog in my bedroom since one of my father’s Labradors cocked its leg on my doll’s house.’

‘I promise she won’t piss in your room,’ Finn assured me.  ‘Can’t guarantee that I won’t, mind you.’

I smiled with relief, already pushing my chair back under the table.  ‘Come on then, before I feel like an even bigger idiot than I do already.’

*****

When we reached my door, I stopped.  ‘Look, you really don’t have to do this.’ I was already beginning to feel foolish at my display of weakness.

‘I know I don’t.  That’s why I am.’

‘You won’t get any hassle, will you?’

‘Nah, I don’t think so.  I’ll just stay the ten minutes though, until you’re settled again.  That way, no-one’s going to be getting the wrong idea even if we are seen.’

‘God, I feel so bloody stupid.’ I unlocked my door.  ‘I think I’ve got an allergy to silence.’

‘No shame in admitting this place has got you rattled.  I’m impressed it’s taken this long, to be honest with you.’

I had never known Finn to be so friendly, as open as this. I wondered if it was the relative freedom the darkness of the early hours gave him, or simply a recent dose of temazepam talking.  Either way, I was grateful for this particular incarnation.  ‘Grab a seat.’

‘Fuck me!’ Finn exclaimed.  ‘Does anyone actually live here?’

‘Me, last time I checked.’  I sat on my bed and worked my feet back under a duvet that was still warm from my body heat. ‘What can I say?  I like tidy.’

Finn took the armchair by the window: facing the door, furthest from the bed.  ‘You sure you weren’t in the army?’

‘Positive.  But any amateur psychologist would tell you it’s your average control freak’s response to a chaotic life.  Creating order wherever I can.’

‘This place must really be doing your head in, huh?’

Bran jumped up onto the bed with me and I absently stroked the soft velvet of her ears.  ‘To be honest, it’s managed to provide everything I’ve spent my adult life escaping, in one handy package.’

Finn reached out and swept the flat of his hand across the surface of my dresser as if he couldn’t quite believe the absence of dust.  ‘I don’t know anyone who’s paid so much not to fuck me,’ he said quietly.

I was wondering how to reply, when he laughed.  ‘God, I’ve just figured out what’s missing – you ditched the hallowed Albermarle Teddy Bear!’

I nodded.  ‘Banished to a dark cupboard for all eternity.’

‘You cold-hearted bastard.’

‘Give me a hot water bottle any day.  At least they have some appreciable function.  Not like that pathetic pile of overpriced fake fur and anthropomorphic bullshit I locked in the wardrobe.’

‘You have serious teddy bear issues.’

‘Too damn right.  My mother ditched my last one when I was thirteen.  Doused him in lighter fuel and incinerated him in the bathroom. Apparently he was a covert listening device for the CIA.’

‘Yeah, well, you can’t be too careful.  They can be dodgy little fuckers.  Anyway, at least you had a proper bear…’

Now it was my turn to grin.  ‘Let me guess.  You had to fashion one from twigs and those little bundles of fluff you find in the gutter.’

‘Close.  Actually, I knitted one using the discarded pubes that my mother’s endless procession of shags left in her bed.’  He gave a deep sigh.  ‘He was pretty cute, actually.  Apart from the smell.’