The Tied Man

‘Hope.  Stupid, forlorn, naive hope.’

‘I don’t get you.’

‘That we might just be able to keep driving…  If there was the slightest gap.’

‘Ah.’  I got her then.

‘Like I said.  Stupid.  There was never going to be a fucking gap, was there?  Not with her.’

‘No.  Not with her.  Fair play to you for givin’ it a go, mind.’  I remembered something from the hell I had inhabited just hours before.  ‘You nearly said something, didn’t you?  To that other doctor.  The woman.’

‘Nearly.’  Lilith pressed her forehead against the misted glass.  ‘God, Finn, what the hell was I thinking?’  There was an odd catch in her voice that I’d never heard before.

‘Lili?  Are you crying?’

‘No.’  She scrubbed at her cheeks with the back of her hand and gave a discreet sniff.  ‘Yes.  Just remnants.  Thought I’d got rid of it all earlier, to be honest.’   I watched her back stiffen as she fought to bring the tears back under control.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘Just… everything –  All of it.  All of today, and all the bastards out there.  The whole bloody world, populated by monsters.  Garvey, Maxwell, bloody Serena.’  She took a breath.  ‘Me.’

‘You?’  I asked incredulously.  ‘What the fuck have you done to be on that list?’

‘I hit you.  Last night.’

I started to laugh, but had to stop when the stitches in my stomach began to feel like cheesewire in my skin.  ‘Oh Jesus Christ  Lili, is that what’s upsetting you?  That you gave me a bit of a well-deserved whack for bein’ an evil-tongued shit?  The only thing that surprised me was that it took you so bloody long!’

‘It was unforgivable.’  I got a glimpse of the tempered steel that was Lilith’s moral code.   In that moment, I realised that even if she stayed at Albermarle for the next thousand years, Blaine would never have her.  I also knew from hard experience that what my employer could not possess, she destroyed, and that sudden terror made me reach across the expanse and grasp Lilith’s arm.

‘Lili – no-one’s ever done anything like this for me.  Ever.  Are you hearing me?  I sure as hell know I wouldn’t have taken the risks you did today just for a whore.’

‘Don’t say that,’ Lilith said, and I caught sight of her reddened eyes and tearstained cheeks.

‘It’s what I am.’

‘It’s what she makes you do.  It’s not who you are,’ she retorted.

I didn’t fancy my chances in a semantics debate with Lilith at the best of times.  Right now, knackered and aching, and with half my blood supply consisting of a charitable donation, I knew when to let it drop.  There was only one other thing I could do, and it had been so long since I had dared –  wanted – to do anything like it that I could barely remember the moves.   ‘Come here,’ I urged.

I expected refusal, or at least hesitation.  Instead, Lilith immediately buried her head into my chest and entwined her small, perfect hands around my back.  The momentary discomfort was nothing at all compared to the realisation that she was finding refuge in my flawed embrace.

Lilith

I had no idea how long we remained like that.  Longer than I had ever stayed in any other man’s arms, I knew that for sure.  Every time I breathed in, sweat and antiseptic mingled with his individual scent and I could feel the soft pulse of Finn’s temazepam-slowed heart through his t-shirt.  For a while I was content to let that steady rhythm begin to calm and ready me for the rest of the journey.

What I did know was that as we sheltered from our own private tempests, something immutable happened to the bond between Finn Strachan and me, and our unnamed relationship shifted into something far stronger than either of us knew how to control.  If I’d had the energy, I might have halted it there, kept my face turned away and driven on through the storm.  But right then, I needed the haven that Finn offered more than oxygen.

It was a grudging return to practicality and the twisted realm of curfews and arbitrary punishment that made me break away from Finn’s hold.  ‘Thank you,’ I whispered into the warmth of his chest.

‘I’m sure that’s meant to be the other way round.’ He stroked my head one last time. ‘Um, Lili?’ he added as I started the engine, and I prepared myself for an expression of regret at our contact, or a warning not to mention anything of this to Blaine. ‘I don’t suppose you remembered my fags as well, did you?’