This Man Confessed

‘Ava, for f**k sake, woman!’ His hands fly to his head in frustration. ‘I’ve been taking your f**king pills!’

I don’t even try to reason because there is absolutely nothing reasonable about this situation. As I pace towards him, he watches me closely, cautiously, and when I’m standing before him, I slap him clean across his face. My palm in instantly on fire, but I’m too angry to focus on the pain. His head has turned to the side, his eyes are down, and I can still only hear our fitful breathing, except now they’re not sated, heavy breaths, they’re anger fuelled gasps. He brings his face back up and before I’m aware of what I’m doing, my hand is flying out again, but this time he catches my wrist in front of his face. I yank myself free and proceed to thump his chest with both fists in a frenzied lash out of anger. And he lets me. He just stands there and takes my deranged beating, my fists persistently striking him as I scream and wail. When I think I might collapse with exhaustion, I step back and lose control of my tears.

‘Why?’ I shout at him.

He doesn’t try to touch me or come towards me. He just remains standing in the doorway, still with no emotion on his face. His frown line isn’t even there, but I know he must be concerned, and he must be really concentrating on not restraining his deranged wife.

‘You were ignoring it, Ava. I need you to acknowledge this.’ His voice is soft and even. ‘I needed to spike a reaction from you.’

‘I don’t mean why you’ve told me. I knew! I mean why the f**k did you do it?’

His frown line has arrived. So has the nibbled lip. I don’t know why he’s thinking so hard about this. Nothing can detract from the fact that this is plain f**ked up. He is f**ked up, and I’m f**ked up for ignoring it all this time. ‘You make me crazy.’ He shakes his head. ‘You make me do crazy shit, Ava.’

‘So it’s my fault?’ I scream. ‘My pills started going missing only days after you took me.’ I say took because he actually did. He broke me down, his determination impossible to escape.

‘I know.’ His eyes drop to the floor.

Oh no! He will face me, not look away from me. I steam back into his chest and grab his jaw, forcing his reluctant head up. ‘You don’t get to evade your reasons for this. You’ve taken it upon yourself to dictate my life direction. I don’t want a f**king baby! This is my body! You don’t get to make these decisions for me!’ My voice is breaking through my screams. ‘Tell me why the f**king hell you did this to me!’

‘Because I wanted to keep you forever.’ he whispers.

I drop his jaw and step back. ‘You wanted to trap me?’

‘Yes,’ His eyes drop again.

‘Because you knew I’d run when I found out about your business and your drinking problem?’

‘Yes.’ He refuses to look at me.

‘But I came back after I found out about The Manor and the alcohol, yet you still took my pills.’ This man makes no sense.

‘You didn’t know about my history then.’

‘I do now.’

‘I know.’

‘Stop saying you know!’ My arms wave around in front of him. I’m losing control again.

His eyes lift, but they don’t meet mine. They’re darting around the room, looking at anything but me. He’s ashamed. ‘What do you want me to say?’ he asks quietly.

I don’t even know, so I turn and head for the wardrobe. I’ve been married to this man for a day and I’m walking out on him, but I have no clue of what else to do. I grab my ripped jeans and yank them on.

‘What are you doing?’ His voice is full of the fear I knew it would be. He’ll never cope with this, but neither will I if I stay. This has suddenly hit me very hard.

I don’t answer him, instead focusing on getting my bra and t-shirt on before I yank down an overnight bag.

‘Ava, what the hell are you doing?’ The bag is snatched from my hand. ‘You’re not leaving me.’ His words are somewhere between a demand and a plea.

‘I need some space.’ I seize the bag back and start stuffing my clothes in.

‘Space for what?’ He grips my arm, but I pull myself free. ‘Ava, please.’

‘Please what?’ My clothes are being yanked and rammed into my bag viciously, but I fear I might turn on Jesse again if I don’t focus on this, and I can’t bring myself to look at him. I know what I’ll see.

Fear.

‘Please, Ava, don’t go.’

I turn and storm past him, heading for the bathroom to collect my toiletries. He’s not restraining me, and I know why. It’s the same reason he’s been delicate with me for weeks. Because he thinks he’ll hurt his baby.

He’s behind me, I know he is, but I continue gathering my things, fighting the overwhelming need to lash out, but at the same time, fighting the need to comfort him. I’m so confused.

‘Ava, please, let’s talk about this.’

I swing around in shock. ‘Talk?’

He nods sheepishly. ‘Please.’

‘What is there to talk about? You’ve done the most underhanded thing possible. Nothing you could say will make me understand this. You do not get to make these decisions. You do not get to control me to this extent. This is my life!’

‘But you knew I was taking them.’

‘Yes, I did! But perhaps because of all the other shit you’ve thrown on me since I’ve met you, I didn’t consider how f**ked up this really is. This is completely messed up, Jesse, and you’ve got no redeeming reason. Wanting to keep me isn’t good enough. That’s not a decision you get to make on your own!’ I try to calm myself, but I’m fighting a losing battle. ‘What about me?’ I scream in his face. ‘What about what I want?’