To Hate Adam Connor

“I don’t know this song,” I murmured back and finally looked into his eyes. “I know it’s George Michael, but I don’t know the song.”

He was silent for a moment as he searched for something in my eyes.

“It’s called ‘Jesus to A Child’,” he said after an awkward silence.

I nodded, but said nothing more.

“You came over to ask about the song?”

“I’ve never heard of it. It’s a beautiful song.”

“It’s old and it is a beautiful song.”

Those vivid green eyes that were looking at me with such intensity were also gentle. Could he see what I needed even though I had no idea what that was anymore? I forced a smile on my lips, trying my hardest not to show how much I was shaking inside as I stood in front of him.

You shouldn’t have climbed over that wall to get to him, my brain screamed at me. You shouldn’t have listened to your stupid heart.

“Do you like dancing?” I asked, ignoring common sense.

“No.”

“Oh,” I said, surprised. “Okay.”

“Ask me anyway,” he countered.

I hesitated.

“Will you dance with me?”

“Yes.”

He took my hand in his warm, big one and pulled me inside. As soon as he closed the door and turned to me, I walked up to him, put my hand on his heart, and rested my head next to it. His body froze for a moment, but then he circled one of his arms around my waist and pulled my body closer to his.

I released the breath I was holding and something eased in my heart.

Something eased in my stupid heart, I should say.

He didn’t ask me what was wrong, though I knew he would eventually. All he did was gently push my hair behind my ear and rest his chin on the top of my head.

My fucking stupid heart shivered.

Then he lifted his left hand and pulled my hand away from his heart. That was a little disappointing, but I knew I was taking it too far.

As I dropped my hand, he caught it midway and started linking our fingers together. My eyes opened, and I watched the pad of his thumb lightly caress the sensitive skin between my thumb and index finger as my fingers fit perfectly in between his.

I curled my fingers around his hand and held on.

Never lifting my head up from his chest, I glanced at him through my lashes, only to see his sole focus was on our hands. He looked…he looked different. Thoughtful. Worried? Then he blinked and brought my hand back to rest against his chest, his own hand covering mine.

The nerve…I know.

I was the one who was trying to seduce him out of his pants; he had no right, no right whatsoever to try and seduce my heart.

But…I let him hold my hand anyway. It was comfortable.

Standing like that with him was comfortable. Hearing his steady heartbeat. His warmth against my body.

The hand splayed on my back was just as comforting as his hand holding mine. It tethered me to the world.

Or maybe just to him.

It was all so easy on my heart.

And it was all so scary.

I still let him. Don’t judge me. If you were me, by now you would’ve melted away; at least I was still standing upright. I win, you lose.

So I let him hold my heart in his hands. It was only for a moment anyway.

Suddenly the song ended and the silence that filled the room was somehow louder than George Michael had been. It only lasted for a few seconds as the same song started back again.

But…for those few seconds, Adam had kept us moving in a gentle sway and I’d gotten my wish. I’d danced with no music. Even if it was for a fleeting moment, I’d had what Olive and Jason had.

And that should’ve scared me shitless…but it didn’t.

Did I mention what a stupid heart I possessed?

I closed my eyes again and let Adam dictate our moves as I absorbed the painful words. It wasn’t just the words either. You could tell he was in pain too—George Michael, I mean.

He was in pain for the love he had lost, and I was lost searching for the love I knew I could never have.

“Is it true? What he is saying?” I asked, my voice low.

“Which part?”

“Does love really hold bliss?”

“You tell me. You were the one with the boyfriend.”

“And you were the one with the wife. With Jameson…I loved him…but it wasn’t like that. I never had that.”

“What do you mean?”

“He was…we were…we were great in bed, I’ll tell you that much, but out of it…I don’t know, I never trusted him like Olive trusts Jason. He was a flirt. He wasn’t serious about it, but it still hurt to see that he wasn’t all that different with other people than he was with me. When I catch Jason looking at Olive, even when she is doing something mundane like drinking water or generally acting like a crazy person, I see his lips tipping up. If I’m feeling extra mushy and look hard enough, I can actually see his love for her. Again, mushy, I know, but it looks beautiful on them. Love looks beautiful on them. It looks right. Before I came here…” I hesitated, not sure if I should share or not. “They were dancing with no music. In the middle of their living room, they danced with no music.”

“Ah,” he muttered, his hand moving a few inches up and down on my back—a gentle, soothing caress I wasn’t expecting. “That’s where the dance invitation came from.”

“No,” I denied quickly…a little too quickly, maybe. “No. I wasn’t jealous of them or anything like that,” I repeated. “The song. I liked the song. I came for…the song.”

“I like the song too, Lucy,” he murmured so softly I almost didn’t catch it.

Were we even talking about the song anymore? It didn’t sound like he was talking about the song.

When he didn’t continue, I closed my eyes and focused on the damn song and the lyrics again. I liked the song. Heck, I think I loved the song. I didn’t like Adam Connor, though. He wasn’t the reason I had come over. I certainly wasn’t falling for him or anything stupid like that. It didn’t matter what my heart was saying, it didn’t matter how my body lit up every time his skin was on mine. It didn’t.

Maybe.

“Relax, Lucy,” Adam muttered, and I noticed we had stopped moving. I took a deep breath and let everything out.

The song ended and started up again.

It was a really good song.

A few minutes into the song…or maybe it was only a few seconds in, I took a deep breath. In Adam’s arms, feeling unattached yet connected to something I couldn’t name, I had lost track of time, the world, and the situation I had put myself in. Suddenly, Adam let go of my arm, and I thought about fighting him for his hand, to have him hold it just for a few more seconds, just until the song ended, just until…but I didn’t want to be that girl who asked for something she knew she wouldn’t get.

Snap out of it, Lucy!

His fingertips touched my chin, and he tilted my head back and away from his chest.

I looked deep into his green eyes and found out that I didn’t want to look away. I didn’t want to interrupt whatever he was doing to my heart.

Witchcraft maybe?

His lips parted as his brows furrowed. Was that anger I saw in his eyes?

“Why are you crying?” he asked in a hard voice. “What happened?”

I frowned at him and touched my face. When I looked down, I could see wetness on my fingers. I was crying? When? How?