Unconditional

“So that’s it,” I say, almost to myself.

“I want us to be friends.” Garrett lifts his eyes to me, plaintive.

I give him a regretful smile. “You really think we can do that: act as if we were never…”

I trail off.

Never lovers. Never mad with desire. Never everything to each other.

“You’ll find someone,” Garrett gulps. “Someone who can give you everything you need.”

I look at him again, standing there so broken in the shadows: the man who changed my life around, who gave me a second chance I never even knew was possible, showed me the strength I had in my heart.

“I already did,” I tell him softly. Tears well in my eyes, and I’d do anything to cross the space between us, hold him close to me, kiss him, tell him that everything will be OK; together, we can make it past his scars and mend his wounded heart. But I can see, tonight, there’s no changing his mind. He’s caught in the trap of his own dark fears, and nothing I say or do right now will make a difference.

So even though it goes against every instinct in my body, I turn and walk away.

I’ll be back, I swear to myself, forcing each footstep that takes me further away from him. I ignore the tears streaming down my cheeks, and the desperate ache in my chest, clinging instead to the only hope I have: that somehow, he’ll realize what he’s throwing away. That the bond between us will be stronger than his bitter fears; that he’ll see, being with me isn’t the same as what happened with Charlotte. I’m not asking him for a future, all I want is him, right now.

I can wait for him. After all, I’ve got nothing but time.

26

The next morning, I wake up in a cold sweat and realize my period is five days late.

27

“Now, let’s see if we can find the heartbeat…”

I hold my breath, my nerves rising as the doctor moves the ultrasound wand over the swell of my lower abdomen. “Is everything OK?” I ask, suddenly panicked. I had a scan at eight weeks, but it was too early to tell much. Now, I’m gripped with the terrible feeling that something’s going to be wrong.

“Just fine,” the doctor reassures me, smiling from behind his glasses. “Ah, here we are.”

A fuzzy shadow appears on the screen, and the sound of the baby’s heartbeat fills the room, steady and quick. “There you are,” he says. “That’s your baby.”

My baby.

I stare at the tiny smudge of life on the screen right in front of me. It looks like nothing at all, a shadow, a blip on the monitor, but it’s everything to me. I can’t believe it, that something so small could matter so much to me now—matter more than anything.

Tears fill my eyes, and I reach out to clutch the hand beside me.

“Wow,” Juliet whispers, squeezing back. “You’re going to be a mom.”

“I’m going to be a mom,” I whisper, dazed.

“I’d say you’re about seventeen weeks along now,” the doctor continues, checking the monitor. “Would you like to know the sex of the baby?”

I blink in shock. “But it’s so small, how can you tell?”

He chuckles. “The marvels of modern medicine. It looks to be in a good position, so I can tell you if you’d like?”

I look to Juliet. “I don’t know, what do you think?”

She grins. “It’s up to you.”

I take a breath. “No. I mean yes. I mean…” I stare at the shadow again. Until now, I haven’t let myself think of it as real. I know how many women have problems in the first trimester, and I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high. But now that it’s there, right in front of me, I want to know who it’s going to be.

“Yes,” I say firmly. “I want to know.”

The doctor sweeps the ultrasound again, and clicks in closer on the image. “Congratulations,” he says, smiling. “You’re having a boy.”

“A boy,” I whisper, dazed. A baby boy, with his daddy’s eyes.

There’s a tap at the door. A nurse pokes her head around and gestures. The doctor rises to his feet. “I’ll leave you to get dressed again,” he says, passing me some wipes for the ultrasound gel. “Then we’ll talk about prenatal health and the next steps.”

He closes the door behind him, leaving us alone in the small room.

Juliet squeezes my hand again. “I still can’t believe it,” she says. “I’m going to be an aunt.”

I wipe off my stomach, feeling the new swell. “I can’t believe I’m showing already,” I say, pulling my dress down and sitting up, my legs hanging off the bed. “Look at me, I’ll be a whale in no time.”

“Don’t try that with me.” Juliet rolls her eyes good-naturedly. “You’re glowing.”

I look down. “A boy,” I whisper again. It still seems unreal, like a dream to me. After the first shock of the pregnancy test, I took flight, and a part of me has been floating ever since.

“It’s really happening.” I break into a smile. “A family of my own.”

There’s a pause, and a shadow flits across Juliet’s face. “Are you going to tell him now?”

I crash back down to earth.

“Jules,” I start, reluctant.

“No, Carina, I’m sorry, but we can’t keep avoiding it any more.” She passes me my purse. “You said you wanted to wait until after this appointment, and that made sense. But, here we are. You have to tell him now.”