Until I Break(36)
Author: M. Leighton

“I’ve never tried to hide the fact that when I see a beautiful woman, I want to show her things, things that will set her insides on fire. But we burn together. It’s never about harming anyone. It’s about pleasure. It’s all about pleasure.”

“And I bet you don’t even try to fight this…this…sickness.”

Her comment tweaks a raw nerve. “That’s where you’re wrong,” I snap coldly. “Don’t pretend you know me. Because you don’t. You don’t know what my life has been like. You don’t know the things I’ve experienced. Believe me, I’ve had good reason to fight this. And I’ve managed quite well for a long time now. But I wanted you. That was my mistake.”

When I glance at her, I look quickly away, gripping the steering wheel tighter. I see that the hurt has returned, replacing the fire and the anger. And I know she’d probably never guess how much it bothers me to see it there.

I close my eyes against the hauntingly beautiful face of Alyssa—the one person I feel like I’ll never be able to escape.

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE – Samantha

I can’t write. I can’t sleep. I can’t really think. Not for long anyway. And not about very many topics. Everything gets ousted from my head by thoughts of Alec Brand.

It’s been three weeks since that horrible night. I’ve relived it a dozen times every day, changing some little thing each time, wishing it had turned out differently.

My reaction, my rejection of him and what he shared with me, is something that I fear in life—to be labeled a freak and shunned. To be judged harshly. And to think that I did that to someone else makes me feel physically ill. Yet I can’t bring myself to call him.

The fact that he hasn’t reached out to me speaks volumes. I haven’t logged on to any of our sessions, but I’m sure he hasn’t either. Not that I would’ve expected anything different. That night, when he brought me home, I got out without a word, slammed the door and hurried straight into the house. That’s how I left things.

Idiot!

I really don’t feel like being in public today. If this hadn’t begun as my idea, I’d have gotten Ari to cancel it. But it was, so I can’t.

I’m appearing at an independent bookstore today. It’s a place I’ve visited on and off for years as Samantha Jansen. When I saw that the shop was in trouble, I asked Ari to approach her about us doing a signing there to get her some new traffic.

I park my car in the short-term lot and carry my bag into the airport, heading straight for the bathroom. Fifteen minutes later, I come out as Laura Drake, confident on the outside, devastated on the inside.

Ari is waiting for me on a bench just outside. He stands when he sees me. “Ms. Drake,” he says formally with a bow of his head.

“Mr. Nelson,” I reply in kind.

He takes my bag and leads me to where a limo is parked. “Limo,” I say in approval. “Nice.”

We say very little on the trip over. I must be emitting back-off vibes. They’re the only kind Ari ever pays any attention to. And I’m pretty sure that, today, I’ve got them in spades.

By the time we arrive at the store, I’m ready to get this over with and get back home. There’s already a line out the door, so I plaster on a smile and head around the building to the rear entrance.

Inside, the women in line are chatting quietly as the shop owner, Patricia, finishes stacking copies of my books on a table set up at the back of the store near the cash register.

I approach her and she turns toward me, smiling. “I just can’t thank you enough for having your signing here. It means the world to little bookstores like mine.”

The trip starts to feel more worth it as Patricia’s sincerity penetrates the cloud of my despair. My smile comes a little more easily this time. “It’s my pleasure. Thank you for having me.”

She leaves to get me a cup of fresh-brewed coffee as I get situated. I sit down behind the table and scan the room. I’m dumbstruck when my eyes collide with intense pale green ones. Then my day takes a turn for the…confusing.

Alec isn’t standing in line. He’s leaning against the wall near the door with his arms crossed over his chest, silently observing me. Surprisingly, I recover quickly, but I’m glad when Patricia returns, providing me with some welcome distraction.

Ari gets the signing started and I do my best to concentrate on my readers rather than the man watching me from across the room. It’s not easy, though, and it makes for the longest two hours of my life.

When I’m signing the last book of the day, my eyes stray to Alec. I’ve glanced surreptitiously at him two dozen times at least and not once have I seen him move, speak, gesture or even flinch like he might be considering approaching me. He’s just watching me, always watching me. Silently. Broodingly.

I’m a bundle of nerves by the time I’ve thanked everyone, said my goodbyes and am letting Ari shuffle me out the door. Without looking back, I hop into the limo. But as I sit inside, waiting on Ari who got caught by a fan, I can’t stop myself from looking back at the store for signs of Alec.

I don’t see him, which further confuses me and stimulates the whirlwind of questions circling my mind.

What could this mean? What does he want? Why didn’t he speak to me? Where did he go? Will I see him again?

As my head spins out of control, the limo door opens. I expect to see Ari duck inside. But I don’t. My heart leaps up into my throat when I see Alec scoot onto the seat across from me instead.

His eyes search mine for a few seconds before he speaks. “I promised I’d help you. And I will. But you have to be honest with me. Can you do that?”

My pulse is fluttering like butterfly wings inside my chest and I feel nearly giddy that he’s here, in my limo, sitting across from me, back in my life. I didn’t realize how much I wanted him here until he was gone.

But there are still things that can’t happen, things I can’t do.

“I can’t—”

“This is about you, Samantha. Not about me. You have nothing to worry about,” he interrupts, putting my mind at ease as if my thoughts are completely transparent to him.

Relief washes through me. Is it possible to have him? My way? To have it all? Like I’ve hoped right from the beginning?

Before I can thoroughly investigate the downside to this—and I’m certain there is one—I find myself agreeing. The lure of Alec, of my real-life Mason, is too strong.