Until I Break(39)
Author: M. Leighton

“So she didn’t have any sympathy for what you’d been through?”

“No. She said the whole thing was my fault for being out of bed when she had visitors. She accused me of doing something to bring Jamie to my bedroom, to lead him on. She said that I’d gotten what I deserved for being a c**k tease. She said I should’ve left him with her.”

“So she didn’t see anything wrong with doing things like that with your boyfriend?”

“No, she just couldn’t understand why I’d be upset by it.”

When she doesn’t go on, I ask, “And then what happened?”

“Word got around school pretty fast about what my mom was into, and what people were saying that I was into. There were rumors about people paying me and my mom for threesomes and rumors that she was my pimp. I got…approached a couple of times. Scared me pretty bad. Once was in the chemistry lab after school. He wasn’t going to take no for an answer. Luckily, one of the teachers happened to come by. She’d already been hearing the talk. I was a mess by then. She called Social Services. Naturally, they investigated. When they talked to my mother, she didn’t even try to deny it. I think she sort of wanted to be rid of me. She didn’t fight it at all when they took me from her and put me into foster care.”

There is resignation in her voice. She must’ve come to terms with her mother’s inability to love her a long time ago.

“Have she ever attempted to find you since then?”

“Yes. She spent two years in prison. After that, I saw her at school twice. Both times, she was across the street, watching me as I walked to my car. The look she gave me…” Samantha shivers.

“Do you think she would’ve hurt you?”

“I don’t know, but she sure looked angry. Maybe she blamed me. I don’t know.”

“Were you afraid?”

She shrugs. “A little, I guess. Enough to tell my foster parents.”

“What did they do?”

“I don’t know, but I never saw her again after that.”

“And how do you feel about that now?”

“I feel relieved. I don’t ever want her to find me.”

“Hence the disguise.”

She nods. “I don’t want her in my life anymore. Meeting the people that I call my parents was one of the best things to ever happen to me. They took me in, loved me like I was their own. Made me part of the family. Gave me a life, helped me to start over. They even moved us across the county line so I wouldn’t have to go back to the same school. When I tell people they saved my life, I’m not really exaggerating. It’s hard to tell what would’ve become of me had I stayed with my birth mother.”

“How has all this affected your relationships as an adult?”

Samantha shrugs again, not in flippancy, but in consternation. “I don’t know. I may have a few trust issues, but not as many as you’d think coming from a childhood like that. The Johnsons helped me with that. And Chris.”

“And what about your other relationships? Intimate ones?”

“I suppose I’ve never been able to truly let go of what I saw and what happened. Even though I know in my head that fear and pain don’t have to accompany pleasure with sex, there’s something inside me that just can’t…move on. It’s not nearly as much of a problem for me as it is for the men I’ve dated, though.”

She keeps her eyes tightly focused on her feet as she walks. She’s embarrassed.

“Why is that?”

“I can only fake something I don’t feel for so long. Once a relationship turns sexual and the guy realizes he’s not doing it for me, he takes it personally, like a knock against his manhood.”

“And that threatens their masculinity, so they blame you. Is that about it?”

“Yeah, pretty much. I’ve been called frigid and broken and cold, all sorts of things. They can be very mean and hurtful. Ugly.”

“And do you see yourself as any of those?”

“I don’t know what I am.”

I grab Samantha’s hand, pulling her to a stop. I turn her toward me. “You aren’t broken. And I’m gonna prove it to you.”

“How?” Although her question is skeptical, I can see the hope in her eyes. And I know why she was so upset with me that night at the club. She really wants me to fix her.

“You don’t need to know the details. You just need to trust me. Trust that I will give you pleasure and never pain. Let’s start with that, okay?”

She attempts a tiny smile with her nod. “Okay.”

“For the rest of the weekend, keep an open mind. Do as I ask without fear that I will do anything to scare you or to remind you of what you saw in your childhood. Trust that every time I touch you, I will bring you that much closer to experiencing pleasure in ways that you’re truly comfortable with.”

She glances away and I see her pull her lip between her teeth to gnaw it anxiously. “What about you? How…I mean, won’t you…”

“Don’t you worry about me. This will be good for me, too.”

I say that, hoping I sound convincing, hoping she never finds out that I’m turned on by what she’s most afraid of.

Samantha isn’t the only broken one.

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE – Samantha

I wake to an empty bed. To Alec’s empty bed. The sheets on the other side are smooth and untouched. I don’t know where he slept last night, but it wasn’t with me.

I’m more than a little disappointed. So much weight was lifted from me after our talk that I fell asleep on the couch downstairs in front of the fireplace before Alec could even return with the drinks he was pouring us. I remember him carrying me up the stairs and I remember him pulling the covers up over me, but that’s it. I slept more soundly than I have in months. Maybe longer.

But where is he? Where did he spend the night?

I slide out of bed and walk to the windows that look out over the ocean. It’s a beautiful day and, by the looks of the position of the sun, it’s not exactly early any more.

I turn and head for the bathroom. As I pass the sink on the way to the toilet, I see the note stuck to the mirror.

Make yourself at home. There’s bagels and coffee in the kitchen. You’ve got the place to yourself until lunch. I’ll be back by then. Enjoy the sun.

—A

While it would’ve been nice to wake up next to Alec, having some time to relax and collect myself is probably a really good idea. This is a lot to wrap my head around. I’ve never been in a relationship like this before. Nowhere near it, in fact.