When August Ends

“What does she have to be mad about?” he asked.

Is he serious? “Oh, I don’t know…the fact that I came here under false pretenses? The fact that I could’ve potentially done something to save her sister’s life if I’d gotten her help? She has a number of options.”

“No one knew what was going to happen, Noah. You were a married man getting explicit messages from a strange woman. You had no idea what it was. A lot of delusional people aren’t suicidal. You didn’t know her, God rest her soul. Stop blaming yourself for something that’s not your fault.”

I wanted to believe his words, especially since they echoed Heather’s, but I still struggled. I still wondered if removing myself from the situation might be best all around.

“I feel like the right thing to do now might be to go home early.”

“You’re gonna be able to walk away from her?”

“The longer I stay, the harder it’s gonna be. Leaving is inevitable. Why prolong it?”

The thought of leaving now made me sick to my stomach, but maybe it was best for both of us. The property was under contract. Heather was enrolled in college, and she’d have the money for it even if her father took half the real estate proceeds. There was nothing stopping her. I’d be leaving in a few weeks anyway. Staying would cause nothing but more confusion for both of us.

“By the same token,” Dad added, “you could look at it a different way. It’s only a few more weeks. Why rush to say goodbye? What’s the real reason you want out of there so fast?”

I knew the truth. “Because I can’t control my feelings for her anymore. I know if I stay, they’re gonna explode. I need to go home so she can leave and live her life without any complications.”

“You think that’s gonna make her feel better? To see you drive away when she’s upset and clearly cares for you?”

“She doesn’t know what’s good for her, and honestly, she’s been avoiding me today. She hasn’t wanted to see me. This is probably the best time to make a clean break.”

“I can’t force you to stick it out if you’re intent on leaving. But I don’t get the sense that’s what you want.”

It wasn’t what I wanted at all. I’d never been happier than these past couple of months. But sometimes, doing what’s better for others trumps what makes you happy. It felt like the responsible decision.

“I think I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna pack up and tell her after everything is loaded, to make it easier.”

“You sure about this?”

“It was gonna happen anyway. This will be like ripping the Band-Aid off.” I looked over at the cage on my table. Jesus. I have to figure out how to travel with guinea pigs. “The only complication is the guinea pigs.”

My father was rightfully confused. “Guinea pigs?”

“Yeah. Bonnie and Clyde. Long story. Let’s just say I’m not coming home alone.”

After we hung up, I started packing my things. I didn’t have a lot of stuff, so it only took me about a half-hour. Then I Googled “how to take a road trip with guinea pigs” and realized I’d have to stop somewhere in the morning to get two, soft-sided animal carriers.

Even with that, packing was the easy part.

The hard part was going to be telling Heather I planned to leave in the morning. Maybe after last night’s bombshell, she wouldn’t fight me on it. Maybe she’d see why this was best for both of us.

Even though I’d been cutting back on the cigars lately, I needed to calm down, so I decided to light one up on the porch. As I gazed out at the lake, I thought about how much this summer had changed me. Most of my life, I’d wanted to be any place I wasn’t. The grass was always greener. But not here. At the lake, I was content. I didn’t feel so alone anymore. I was happy just…being. I’d heard about the practice of mindfulness but had never been able to implement it until recently. Here, I listened to the rain, tasted my food, and felt so many things going on inside of me, especially whenever Heather was around. Being able to enjoy the present moment was a blessing, one made easier by being somewhere that made me happy.

I wasn’t kidding when I said I could have lived here the rest of my life. I wondered how much of that had to do with the lake and how much of it had to do with a certain girl who’d infiltrated my soul. That question scared the shit out of me, making me even more sure I needed to leave tomorrow.

I looked out over the water and chuckled to myself, thinking about the first time I’d interacted with Heather. I’d learned that day what a spirited firecracker she was. Thrown off by how alive she’d made me feel, I’d tried everything to scare her away. But it hadn’t worked. Thank God for that, because I never would have gotten the time I had with her, never would have learned I have the capability to be happy after all. For years, I’d thought I was a lost cause. But Heather’s believing in me, and all her kind words about second chances, had resonated.

Darkness eclipsed the daylight, which was fitting as my thoughts turned from happy to sad. It was time to break the news to her.

I was just about to go inside and call her when I noticed her walking toward me in the distance. My body stilled.

She was holding something. As she got closer, I realized it was a pie. My heart squeezed at the sight of her.

I lost my ability to speak, let alone the courage to tell her my plans.

She looked at me for several seconds before she finally spoke.

“So, I know I’ve been quiet. I needed to ride it out for a day. I’ve been processing everything you told me, but I’m okay. I need you to know that. I didn’t quite know how to express my feelings, how to convey everything to you, so I decided to bake that cherry pie I promised you. The cherries from the tree weren’t good, and there weren’t even enough of them anyway, so I had to go to the store and buy some. It took me all afternoon to figure out the best recipe—one I couldn’t screw up. I think I actually did it. You’ll have to be the judge. The candy corn smiley face on top is my personal touch.”

Her smile was killing me. My mouth wouldn’t move.

“It’s okay, Noah. I want you to know it’s okay. I need you to believe me when I say I don’t hold anything against you. How could I?”

Her assurance gave me the comfort I desperately needed. It also complicated my plans. I no longer had any clue how to tell her I planned to leave in the morning.

Before I could think any further, she brushed past me into the boathouse.

I cringed when she stopped to look around.

“What the hell is going on?”

“I was gonna come over and talk to you tonight. I—”

“You’re leaving?” Her voice cracked. She held her hand over her chest. “Oh my God. Let me put this pie down before I drop it.”

I tried to find words to articulate my decision. The effort was futile. “Heather, I—”

“I can’t believe you were just going to drop this on me.”

“I thought it would be easier this way.”

“Easier? Do you have any idea what you mean to me?”

It couldn’t have hurt more if she’d ripped out my heart. Seeing her tears brought home how much she cared about me. It made me doubt everything again.

“This was gonna be happening in three weeks anyway,” I said, although it seemed like a sad excuse right now.

“I know. And I was going to cherish the fuck out of the time you had left here. The next three weeks mean everything to me. You’re just going to throw them away?”

“I don’t think it makes sense to prolong it,” I said weakly.

Her voice grew louder. “You’re a coward. Don’t think I don’t know what this is really about. You’re starting to feel something for me, so you’re going to run away.”

I laughed angrily. “Starting? I’ve been feeling it for so fucking long it’s not even funny.”

“You have an odd way of showing it.”

“I upset you last night. It isn’t going to be any easier to walk away from here in a few weeks. It seemed like the right time.”

“I was upset. But not at you. The more I thought about what you did in coming here, your intentions, the more I admire you. Sure, I was sad earlier, but now? Seeing you ready to walk out of here? Now I’m devastated.”

I swore under my breath. “It’s not my intention to hurt you. That’s not what leaving early is about—it’s just the opposite. It’s to avoid doing something to hurt you.”

“You’ve kept your cool with me, kept your hands off me all summer with the exception of yesterday. Suddenly you don’t think you can last another three weeks?”

She didn’t get it. “Another three weeks? I can’t last another second.”

She looked stunned. That made two of us.

Heather took a step toward me. “Nothing has ever hurt as badly as the pain of wanting you and not getting to have you, trying to hide my feelings from you. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore. I don’t care about next week or three weeks or next year. All I care about is now. I know damn well what will happen between us if you stay. That’s exactly why I don’t want you to leave.”