Will Grayson, Will Grayson(15)
Author: John Green

It’s kind of sick that my mind has gone from my mom to f**king, so i’m glad when she complains about herself a little more.

mom: it’s getting old, isn’t it? mom at home on a saturday night, waiting for darcy to show up.

me: there’s not an actual answer to that question, is there?

mom: no. probably not.

me: have you actually asked this darcy guy out?

mom: no. i haven’t actually found him.

me: well, he’s not going to show up until you ask him out.

me giving my mom romantic advice is kind of like a goldfish giving a snail advice on how to fly. i could remind her that not all guys are dickheads like my dad, but she perversely hates it when i say bad things about him. she’s probably just worried about the day i’ll wake up and realize half my genes are so geared toward being a bastard that i’ll wish i was a bastard. well, mom, guess what – that day came a long time ago. and i wish i could say that’s where the pills come in, but the pills only deal with the side effects.

god bless the mood equalizers. and all moods shall be created equal. i am the f**king civil rights movement of moods.

It’s late enough for isaac to be home, so i tell my mom i’m heading off to bed and then, to be nice, tell her that if i see any cute guys wearing, like, knickers and riding a horse sexily on the way to the mall, i’ll be sure to slip ’em her number. she thanks me for that, and says it’s a better idea than any of her friends at girls poker night have had. i wonder if she’ll be asking the mailman for his opinion soon.

there’s a dangling IM waiting for me when i banish my screen saver and check what’s up.

boundbydad: u there?

boundbydad: i’m wishin’

boundbydad: and hopin’

boundbydad: and prayin’

all sorts of yayness floods my brain. love is such a drug.

grayscale: please be the one voice of sanity left in the world

boundbydad: you’re there!

grayscale: just.

boundbydad: if you’re relying on me for sanity, it must be pretty bad.

grayscale: yeah, well, maura stopped by cvs for a hag audition, then when i told her that tryouts were canceled, she decided she’d go for some

grayscale: nookie instead. and then my mom started saying she had no life. oh, and i have homework to do. or not.

boundbydad: it’s hard to be you, isn’t it?

grayscale: clearly.

boundbydad: do you think maura knows the truth?

grayscale: i’m sure she thinks she does.

boundbydad: what a nosy bitch.

grayscale: not really. it’s not her fault i don’t really want to get into it. i’d rather share it with you.

boundbydad: and so you are. meanwhile, no big saturday night plans? more quality time with mom?

grayscale: you, my dear, are my saturday night plans.

boundbydad: i’m honored.

grayscale: you should be. how was the bday celebration?

boundbydad: small. kara just wanted to see a movie with me and janine. good time, lame movie. the one with the guy who learns that the girl he marries is a sucubus

boundbydad: sucubbus?

boundbydad: succubus?

grayscale: succubus

boundbydad: yeah, one of those. it was really stupid. then it was really boring. then it got loud and stupid. then there were about two minutes where it was so stupid it was funny. then it went back to being dumb, and finally ended lame.

boundbydad: good times, good times

grayscale: how’s kara?

boundbydad: in recovery. grayscale: meaning?

boundbydad: she talks a lot about her problems in the past tense as a way to convince us they’re in the past. and maybe they are.

grayscale: did you say hi to her for me?

boundbydad: yeah. i think i phrased it as ‘will says he wants you inside of him,’ but the effect was the same. she said hi back.

grayscale: **sighs forlornly** i wish i could’ve been there.

boundbydad: i wish i was there with you right now.

grayscale: really? ☺

boundbydad: yessirreebob.

grayscale: and if you were here . . .

boundbydad: what would i do?

grayscale: ☺

boundbydad: let me tell you what i’d do.

this is a game we play. most of the time we’re not serious. like, there are different ways it could go. the first is we basically make fun of people who have IM sex by inventing our own ridiculous scornographic dialogue.

grayscale: i want you to lick my clavicle.

boundbydad: i am licking your clavicle.

grayscale: ooh my clavicle feels so good.

boundbydad: naughty, naughty clavicle.

grayscale: mmmmmm

boundbydad: wwwwwwww

grayscale: rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr boundbydad: tttttttttttttttttttt

other times we go for the romance novel approach. corn  p**n .

boundbydad: thrust your fierce quavering manpole at me, stud

grayscale: your dastardly appendage engorges me with hellfire

boundbydad: my search party is creeping into your no man’s land grayscale: baste me like a thanksgiving turkey!!!

and then there are nights like tonight, when the truth is what comes out, because it’s what we need the most. or maybe just one of us needs it the most, but the other knows the right time to give it.

like now, when what i want most in the universe is to have him beside me. he knows this, and he says

boundbydad: if i was there, i would stand behind your chair and put my hands on your shoulders, lightly, and would rub them gently until you finished your last sentence

boundbydad: then i would lean forward and trace my hands down your arms and curve my neck into yours and let you turn into me and rest there for a while

boundbydad: rest

boundbydad: and when you were ready, i’d kiss you once and lift myself away, sit back on your bed and wait for you there, just so we could lie there, and you could hold me, and i could hold you

boundbydad: and it would be so peaceful. completely peaceful. like the feeling of sleep, but being awake in it together.

grayscale: that would be so wonderful. boundbydad: i know. i would love it, too.

I can’t imagine us saying these things to each other out loud. but even if i can’t imagine hearing these words, i can imagine living them. i don’t even picture it. instead i’m in it. how i would feel with him here. that peace. it would be so happy, and it makes me sad because it only exists in words.

early on, isaac let me know that he always finds pauses awkward – if too much time went by without me responding, he’d think i was typing something else in another window, or had left the computer, or was IMing twelve other boys besides him. and i had to admit that i felt the same fears. so now we do this thing whenever we’re pausing. we just type