Will Grayson, Will Grayson(26)
Author: John Green

maura: hey will.

me: that answer earns you zero points.

maura: how’s chicago?

me: there’s no wind at all!

maura: what are you doing?

me: oh, hanging out with will grayson.

maura: that’s what i thought.

me: what do you mean?

maura: where’s your mom?

uh-oh. smells like a trap. has maura called my house? has she talked to my mom? pedal motion, backward!

me: am i my mother’s keeper? (ha ha ha)

maura: stop lying, will.

me: okay, okay. i kinda needed to sneak in on my own. to go to a concert later.

maura: what concert?

fuck! i can’t remember which concert o.w.g. said he was going to. and he’s still on the phone, so i can’t ask.

me: some band you’ve never heard of.

maura: try me.

me: um, that’s their name. ‘some band you’ve never heard of.’

maura: oh, i’ve heard of them.

me: yeah.

maura: i was just reading a review of their album in spin.

me: cool.

maura: yeah, the album’s called ‘isaac’s not coming, you f**king liar.’

this is not good.

me: that’s a pretty stupid name for an album.

what? what what what?

maura: give up, will.

me: my password.

maura: what?

me: you totally hacked my password. you’ve been reading my emails, haven’t you?

maura: what are you talking about?

me: isaac. how do you know about me meeting up with isaac?

she must have looked over my shoulder when i checked my email at school. she must have seen the keys i typed. she stole my dumbass password.

maura: i am isaac, will.

me: don’t be stupid. he’s a guy.

maura: no he’s not. he’s a profile. i made him up.

me: yeah, right.

maura: i did.

no. no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

me: what?

no please no what no no please no f**k no NO.

maura: isaac doesn’t exist. he’s never existed.

me: you can’t –

maura: you’re so caught.

I’M so caught?!?

what the FUCK.

me: tell me you’re joking.

maura: . . .

me: this can’t be happening.

other will grayson’s finished his conversation and is looking at me now.

o.w.g.: are you okay?

It’s hitting. that moment of ‘did an anvil really just fall on my head?’ has passed and i am feeling that anvil. oh lord am i feeling that anvil.

me: you. despicable. cunt.

yes, the synapses are conveying the information now. newsflash: isaac never existed. it was only your friend posing. it was all a lie.

all a lie.

me: you. horrendous. bitch.

maura: why is it that girls are never called ass**les?

me: i am not going to insult ass**les that way. they at least serve a purpose.

maura: look, i knew you’d be mad . . .

me: you KNEW i would be MAD!?!

maura: i was going to tell you.

me: gee, thanks. maura: but you never told me.

o.w.g.’s looking very concerned now. so i put my hand over the phone for a second and speak to him.

me: i’m actually not okay. in fact, i am probably having the worst minute of my life. don’t go anywhere.

o.w.g. nods.

maura: will? look, i’m sorry.

me: . . .

maura: you didn’t actually think he was meeting you at a  p**n  store, did you?

me: . . .

maura: it was a joke.

me: . . .

maura: will?

me: it is only my respect for your parents that will prevent me from murdering you outright. but please understand this: i am never, ever speaking to you or passing notes to you or texting you or doing f**king sign language with you ever again. i would rather eat dog shit full of razor blades than have anything to do with you.

I hang up before she can say anything else. i switch off the phone. i sit down on the curb. i close my eyes. and i scream. if my whole world is going to crash down around me, then i am going to make the sound of the crashing. i want to scream until all my bones break.

once. twice. again.

then i stop. i feel the tears, and hope that if i keep my eyes closed i can keep them inside. i am so beyond pathetic because i want to open my eyes and see isaac there, have him tell me that maura’s out of her mind. or have the other will grayson tell me that this, too, can be dismissed as coincidence. he’s really the will grayson that maura’s been emailing with. she’s gotten her will graysons mixed up.

but reality. well, reality is the anvil.

I take a deep breath and it sounds clogged.

the whole time.

the whole time it was maura.

not isaac.

no isaac.

never.

there’s hurt. there’s pain. and there’s hurt-and-pain-at-once.

I am experiencing hurt-and-pain-at-once.

o.w.g.: um . . . will?

he looks like he can see the hurt-and-pain-at-once very clearly on my face.

me: you know that guy i was supposed to meet?

o.w.g.: isaac.

me: yeah, isaac. well, it ends up he wasn’t a fifty-year-old after all. he was my friend maura, playing a joke.

o.w.g.: that’s one helluva mean joke.

me: yeah. i’m feeling that.

I have no idea whether i’m talking to him because he’s also named will grayson or because he told me a little about what’s going on with him or because he’s the only person in the world who’s willing to listen to me right now. all of my instincts are telling me to curl into a tiny ball and roll into the nearest sewer – but i don’t want to do that to o.w.g. i feel he deserves more than being an eyewitness to my self-destruction.

me: anything like this ever happen to you before?

o.w.g. shakes his head.

o.w.g.: i’m afraid we’re in new territory here. my best friend tiny was once going to enter me into seventeen magazine’s boy of the month contest without telling me, but i don’t think that’s really the same thing.

me: how did you find out?

o.w.g.: he decided he needed someone to proofread his entry, so he asked me to do it.

me: did you win?

o.w.g.: i told him i’d mail it for him and then filed it away. he was really upset that i didn’t win . . . but i think it would’ve been worse if i had.

me: you might have gotten to meet miley cyrus. jane would’ve died of jealousy.

o.w.g.: i think jane would’ve died of laughter first.

I can’t help it – i imagine isaac laughing, too.

and then i have to kill that image. because isaac doesn’t exist. i feel like i’m going to lose it again.

me: why?

o.w.g.: why would jane die laughing?