Will Grayson, Will Grayson(36)
Author: John Green

how can i explain this to her? i mean, if i tell her i just traveled into the city to go to a  p**n  store to meet some guy who didn’t end up existing, the next few weeks’ poker night earnings are going to be spent on a visit to dr. keebler. but she can tell when i’m lying if she’s looking for it. i don’t want to lie right now. so i bend the truth.

me: yeah, i saw him. his nickname’s tiny. that’s what i call him, even if he’s huge. he’s actually, you know, really nice.

we are in completely uncharted mother-son territory here. not just in this house – maybe in all of america.

me: don’t get all worried. we just went to millennium park and talked a while. some of his friends were there, too. i’m not going to get pregnant.

mom actually laughs.

mom: well, that’s a relief.

she gets up from the kitchen table and, before i know it, she’s giving me a hug. and it’s like for a moment i don’t know what to do with my hands, and then i’m like, you dumbfuck, hug her back. so i do, and i expect her to start crying, because one of us should be crying. but she’s dry-eyed when she pulls away – a little misty, maybe, but i’ve seen her when things aren’t all right, when things have totally gone to shit, and so i know enough to recognize that this isn’t one of those times. we’re okay.

mom: maura called a few times. she sounded upset.

me: well, she can go to hell.

mom: will!

me: sorry. i didn’t mean to say that out loud.

mom: what happened?

me: i don’t want to get into it. i’m just going to tell you that she really, really hurt me, and i need for that to be enough. if she calls here, i want you to tell her that i never want to speak to her again. don’t tell her i’m not here. don’t lie when i’m in the other room. tell her the truth – that it’s over and it’s never going to be un-over. please.

whether it’s because she agrees or whether it’s because she knows there’s no point in disagreeing when i’m like this, mom nods. i have a very smart mom, all things considered. it’s time for her to leave the room – i thought that’s what was going to happen after the hug – but since she’s still hovering, i make the move.

me: i’m going to head off to bed. i’ll see you in the morning.

mom: will . . .

me: really, it’s been a long day. thank you for being so, you know, understanding. i owe you one. a big one.

mom: it’s not about owing – me: i know. but you know what i mean.

I don’t want to leave until it’s clear it’s okay for me to leave. i mean, that’s the least i can do.

she leans in and kisses me on the forehead.

mom: good night.

me: good night.

then i go back to my room, turn on my computer, and create a new screenname.

willupleasebequiet: tiny?

bluejeanbaby: here!

willupleasebequiet: are you ready?

bluejeanbaby: for what?

willupleasebequiet: the future

willupleasebequiet: because i think it just started

tiny sends me a file of one of the songs from tiny dancer. he says he hopes it will give me inspiration. i put it on my ipod and listen to it as i’m heading to school the next morning.

There was a time

When I thought I liked vagina

But then came a summer

When i realized something finer

I knew from the moment he took top bunk

How desperately i wanted into his trunk

Joseph Templeton Oglethorpe the Third

Left my heart singing like a little bird

Summer of g*y!

So lovely! So queer!

Summer of g*y!

Set the tone for my year!

Mama and Papa didn’t know they were lighting the lamp

The moment they sent me to Starstruck Drama Camp

So many Hamlets to choose from

Some tortured, some cute

I was all ready to swordfight

Or take the Ophelia route

There were boys who called me sister

And sistahs who taught me about boys

Joseph whispered me sweet nothings

And i fed him Almond Joys

Summer of g*y!

So fruity! So whole!

Summer of g*y!

I realized Angel would be my role!

Mama and Papa didn’t know how well their money was spent

When I learned about love from our production of Rent

Such kissing on the catwalks

Such competition for the leads

We fell in love so often and fully

Across all races and sexualities and creeds . . .

Summer of g*y!

Ended soon! Lasted long!

Summer of g*y!

My heart still carries its song!

Joseph and I didn’t make it to September

But you can’t unlight a g*y-colored ember

I will never go back

To the heterosexual way

’Cause now every day

(Yes, every day)

Is the sum-mer

of g*y!

since i’ve never really listened to musicals, i don’t know if they all sound this g*y, or if it’s just tiny’s. i suspect that i would find all of them this g*y. i’m not entirely sure how this is supposed to inspire me to do anything except join drama club, which right now is about as likely as me asking maura on a date. still, tiny told me i was the first person to hear the song besides his mom, so that counts for something. even if it’s lame, it’s a sweet kind of lame.

It even manages to take my mind off of school and maura for a few minutes. but once i get there, she’s right in front of me, and the mountain reminds me it’s a volcano, and i can’t help but want to spray lava everywhere. i walk right past the place we usually meet up, but that doesn’t stop her. she launches right behind me, saying all the things that would be in a hallmark card if hallmark made cards for people who invented internet boyfriends for other people and then were suddenly caught in the lie.

maura: i’m sorry, will. i didn’t mean to hurt you or anything. i was just playing around. i didn’t realize how serious you were taking it. and i’m a total bitch for that, i know. but i was only doing it because it was the only way to get through to you. don’t ignore me, will. talk to me!

I am just going to pretend that she doesn’t exist. because all the other options would get me expelled and/or arrested.

maura: please, will. i’m really, really sorry.

she’s crying now, and i don’t care. the tears are for her own benefit, not mine. let her feel the pain her poetry desires. it has nothing to do with me. not anymore.

she tries to pass me notes during class. i knock them off my desk and leave them on the ground. she sends me texts, and i delete them unread. she tries to come up to me at the beginning of lunch, and i build a wall of silence that no goth sorrow can climb.