Will Grayson, Will Grayson(55)
Author: John Green

WGrayson7: director-writer-star-etc-etc

willupleasebequiet: how was it?

willupleasebequiet: no.

willupleasebequiet: i mean, how is he?

WGrayson7: truth?

willupleasebequiet: yes.

WGrayson7: i don’t think i’ve ever seen him more nervous. and not because he’s the director-writer-star-etc-etc. but because it means so much to him, you know? he really thinks he can change the world.

willupleasebequiet: i can imagine.

WGrayson7: sorry, it’s late. and i’m not even sure if i should be talking about tiny with you.

willupleasebequiet: i just checked the bylaws of the international society of will graysons, and i can’t find anything in there about it. we’re in vastly uncharted territory.

WGrayson7: exactly. here be dragons.

willupleasebequiet: will?

WGrayson7: yes, will.

willupleasebequiet: does he know i’m sorry?

WGrayson7: dunno. in my recent experience, i’d say hurt tends to drown out sorry.

willupleasebequiet: i just couldn’t be that person for him.

WGrayson7: that person?

willupleasebequiet: the one he really wants.

willupleasebequiet: i just wish it wasn’t all trial and error.

willupleasebequiet: because that’s what it is, isn’t it?

willupleasebequiet: trial and error.

willupleasebequiet: i guess there’s a reason they don’t call it ‘trial and success’

willupleasebequiet: it’s just try-error

willupleasebequiet: try-error

willupleasebequiet: try-error

willupleasebequiet: i’m sorry. are you still here?

WGrayson7: yes.

WGrayson7: if you’d caught me two weeks ago, i would have had to agree with you fullheartedly.

WGrayson7: now i’m not so sure.

willupleasebequiet: why?

WGrayson7: well, i agree that ‘trial and error’ is a pretty pessimistic name for it. and maybe that’s what it is most of the time.

WGrayson7: but i think the point is that it’s not just try-error.

WGrayson7: most of the time it’s try-error-try

WGrayson7: try-error-try

WGrayson7: try-error-try

WGrayson7: and that’s how you find it.

willupleasebequiet: it?

WGrayson7: you know. it.

willupleasebequiet: yeah, it. willupleasebequiet: try-error-try-it

WGrayson7: well . . . i haven’t become that optimistic. WGrayson7: it’s more like try-error-try-error-try-error-try-error-try-error-try . . . at least fifteen more rounds . . . then try-error-try-it

willupleasebequiet: i miss him. but not in the way he would want me to miss him.

WGrayson7: are you coming tomorrow?

willupleasebequiet: i don’t think that would be a good idea. do you?

WGrayson7: it’s up to you. it could be another error. or it could be it. just do me a favor and give me a call first so i can warn him.

that seems fair. he gives me his phone number and i give him mine. i type it into my phone before i forget. when it asks for the name to go with the number, i just type will grayson.

willupleasebequiet: what’s the secret to your wisdom, will grayson?

WGrayson7: i think it’s that i hang out with the right people, will grayson.

willupleasebequiet: well, thank you for your help.

WGrayson7: i like to be on call for all of my best friend’s ex-boyfriends.

willupleasebequiet: it takes a village to date tiny cooper.

WGrayson7: exactly.

willupleasebequiet: good night, will grayson.

WGrayson7: good night, will grayson.

I want to say this calms me. i want to say i fall immediately to sleep. but the whole night my mind goes

try-error-?

try-error-?

try-error-?

by the morning, i am wreckage. i wake up and i think, today’s the day. and then i think, it has nothing to do with me. it’s not like i even helped him with it. it’s just that now i’m not getting to see it. i know that’s fair, but it doesn’t feel fair. it feels like i’ve screwed myself over.

mom notices my unparalleled self-hatred at breakfast. it’s probably the way i drown the cocoa puffs until the milk overflows that tips her off.

mom: will, what’s wrong?

me: what isn’t?

mom: will . . .

me: it’s okay.

mom: no, it’s not.

me: how can you tell me it’s not? isn’t that my choice?

she sits down across from me, puts her hand on my hand even though there’s now a puddle of cocoa-colored milk under her wrist.

mom: do you know how much i used to scream?

I have no idea what she’s talking about.

me: you don’t scream. you fall silent.

mom (shaking her head): even when you were little, but mostly when your father and i were going through what we went through – there were times when i had to go outside, get in the car, drive around the corner, and scream my head off. i would scream and scream and scream. sometimes just noise. and sometimes curses – every curse you can think of.

me: i can think of a lot of them. did you ever scream ‘shitmonger!’

mom: no, but . . .

me: ‘fuckweasel!’

mom: will—

me: you should try ‘fuckweasel.’ it’s kinda satisfying.

mom: my point is that there are times when you just have to let it all out. all of the anger, all of the pain.

me: have you thought of talking to someone about this? i mean, i have some pills that might interest you, but i think you’re supposed to have a prescription. it’s okay – it only takes up an hour of your time for them to diagnose it.

mom: will.

me: sorry. it’s just that it’s not really anger or pain i’m feeling. just anger at myself.

mom: that’s still anger.

me: but don’t you feel like that shouldn’t count? i mean, not the same as being angry at someone else.

mom: why this morning?

me: what do you mean?

mom: why are you especially angry at yourself this morning?

It’s not like i’d been planning on advertising the fact that i’m angry. she kinda traps me into it. i of all people can respect that. so i tell her that today’s the day of tiny’s musical.

mom: you should go.

now it’s my turn to shake my head.

me: no way.

mom: way. and will?

me: yes?

mom: you should also talk to maura.

I bolt down the cocoa puffs before there’s any way for her to persuade me. when i get to school, i sail past maura at her perch and try to use the day as a distraction. i try to pay attention in classes, but they are so boring that it’s like the teachers are trying to drive me back to my own thoughts. i am afraid of what gideon will say to me if i confide in him, so i try to pretend like it’s just an ordinary day, and that i’m not cataloging all of the things i’ve done wrong over the past few weeks. did i really give tiny a chance? did i give maura a chance? shouldn’t i have let him calm me down? shouldn’t i have let her explain why she did what she did?