With Every Heartbeat

My breathing began to escalate. “I...” I nodded because nothing he said was a lie. “Yes, I guess.”

“And she’s the, uh, the spearhead of your friendship? You’re the follower?”

I didn’t mean to frown, but something about the way he phrased that rubbed me all kinds of wrong—though, okay, that was how it had been back in high school. I had followed along with whatever idea Cora had, done whatever Cora had wanted to do, followed like a good, faithful little sheep.

But here in Ellamore? Yeah, that wasn’t the way of our friendship at all.

I didn’t tell him that, though. I didn’t tell him she felt like more a stranger to me these days. So I shrugged and agreed with his assessment. “Sure.”

He nodded as if self-congratulating himself for his brilliant deduction. “It sounds as if Cora is a pretty important person in your life. She said you didn’t have a great home life, so she kind of acted as your family. Like a big sister. I guess I’m saying I’m worried about attachment issues. I don’t want you to think of her as your crutch.”

Whoa! What?

The last thing I thought of Cora as was a crutch.

Okay, maybe two years ago when she’d “taken me under her wing,” I’d latched on to her friendship because it was the only thing I’d had. But then I’d had a year severed from her to learn how to deal with things on my own, and the only reason I’d come here to Ellamore was to help her, not so she’d take care of me again. Lately, I’d actually been dreaming up ways to peacefully cut ties with her after the transplant was over.

“Sharing your kidneys between the two of you isn’t going to make you one person or tighten any emotional connection between the two of you. You’re still going to be your own person, and she’s going to be hers. You do realize that, right, Zoey?”

What the hell?

I nodded, because I didn’t know how to answer without telling him he was insane. I didn’t want to be one with Cora. I didn’t even want to be like Cora.

But I really wanted to know what kind of story she’d fed him. Remembering how she’d told me she’d thought I was a lesbian with a crush on her, I sank lower into the couch, hoping to God she hadn’t told him that. But he was making it sound like I was obsessively in love with her, so...she probably had.

“I...I know that,” I said, not sure what else to say without outright telling him his idea was completely whack.

“And then there’s the possibility that her body might reject the new kidney. What would you do if the transplant wasn’t successful and she didn’t make it?”

“I don’t know,” I whispered, and honestly, I didn’t know. I hadn’t thought of what would happen after. I’d been too focused on just getting it done.

“I...I guess I’d finish school,” I said dumbly.

He lifted an interested eyebrow. “Here? At ESU?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I mean, sure. I’ve already enrolled and am halfway through a semester.”

Plus, Quinn was here. Which was a totally inappropriate, awful thought to have right now, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about him being in my future.

“So, you think you could handle being here by yourself, without any family or friends around?”

I kind of wanted to laugh in his face. I had more friends here than I’d ever had at home. Caroline, Reese, Quinn. Even Ten. The idea of leaving actually made me recoil with dread. This place was my home now. And the friends I’d made since coming here were the closest family I’d ever had.

Clearing my throat, I met Dr. What’s-His-Face’s gaze. “I think I’d make it just fine on my own if I had to.”

He nodded, scribbled another notation, or maybe he’d just beaten himself at tic-tac-toe. I don’t know. I didn’t care. He was so far off base with all his questions, it wasn’t even funny. But, whew...I guess I needn’t have worried that he’d pull out all my deepest darkest secrets and make me admit how guilty I felt when it came to Quinn and Cora.

Both Cora and I were quiet on the ride home. I expected her to ask how my session with the quack had gone, but she didn’t. And I didn’t ask how her dialysis went. She looked better than when we’d left the apartment, so I guess it had helped.

She chewed on her lip and stared stonily out the front window, so I turned my attention out the passenger side window.

We were about five minutes from the apartment when she finally spoke. “I think I’m going to get Quinn back.”