Beautiful Disaster

He inhales sharply, then looks me right in the eye as he goes on.

"And that while I will always see Bella as my incestuously attractive childhood friend, somewhere along the way you became just a little more than my best bud who I occasionally f**k other girls with. Not in a Brokeback Mountain kind of way, but there’s something I can’t deny there.

And if I’m no completely wrong the fact that you needed a good five months to even talk to me again I don’t think I’m the only one who feels that way."

This time the stretching silence between us is deafening, but I’m reluctant to even think about his words, let alone offer any kind of response to them, and after what feels like a small eternity Jazz sighs heavily for the last time.

"Guess that’s everything I can say. After Alice kicked me out I came to you because you two are my friends. I just couldn’t be alone then, and even the most awkward and uncomfortable welcome I could hope for seemed like a better idea than holing up in a motel out of town. I guess in a way I was also hoping that just sticking around would sooner or later give me the backbone to talk to you both to start mending the bridges I’d burned. And as much as I know I don’t deserve a second chance, any second chance really, part of me still hopes that I didn’t weld all doors shut behind me that day and threw away the keys. But I really don’t expect that to be the case.

Just, you know, if you wanna kick me out now, just say it, or if you feel really vindictive, now you have ammo aplenty for any kind of payback. I know I deserve that. Although I’m also kinda hoping you keep to being the integrity loving kind of guy who doesn’t take too much pleasure in kicking idiots when they’re down."

More uncomfortable silence follows, and when he looks practically ready to burst with tension, I finally force my throat to start working again.

"I really need to talk to Bella now."

My voice sounds strangely raspy, and the words are clearly none that he expects, but after a moment he nods and turns towards the door.

"Sure, I’ll tell her. Thanks for listening."

I can’t even bring myself to offer a ‘You’re welcome,’ then and he finally opens the door, leaving me on my own, and strangely feeling alone. I wait until I don’t hear his steps on the stairs anymore, then drag myself into the bedroom where I flop down onto the rumpled duvet and hide my face in my hands.

She’s nearly soundless when she enters the room, but it’s as if all of my senses are just there to seek her out, and I look at her from between my splayed fingers. She’s standing next to the bed, out of reach but close, her arms crossed over her chest in a defensive stance, but there’s no tension in her body. Bella looks as drained and tired as I feel, and as the seconds tick by I feel her very presence chase away some of the darkness lurking inside of me.

"Are you still angry with me?"

She offers a small but real smile at my question, but it doesn’t counteract the sadness in her eyes.

"Only if you keep acting like a complete moron."

"Promise, I’ll try to keep the moron inside of me in check."

"Good," she graciously accepts, then moves closer until her legs bump against my knees. We keep staring at each other, both unwilling to be the first to say something, until she sighs and looks away.

"I guess now you know why I told you that we need to postpone this talk until you know -"

I don’t even let her finish the sentence.

"Yes."

"Good," she repeats as she lets the air whoosh out of her body. "Then, let’s talk. Or rather, as you don’t really seem capable of doing enough thinking right now for a real conversation, I will talk and you will listen, okay?"

I nod, both relieved and weirded out at the same time. I have no idea when exactly that happened, but she’s obviously able to read me like an open book.

Bella takes a deep breath, and as she begins talking her eyes never stray from my face.

"I have to admit, most of what Jazz told me today didn’t really come as a surprise. And the rest made sense in the way of the last pieces of a puzzle game falling into place. Maybe because I didn’t spend the last six months trying to be someone I wasn’t, nor did I try to cut parts of myself out and flush them down the drain – and the irony that I don’t even know who of you I’m referring to with that doesn’t escape me."

A brief pause, then she goes on.

"I think I kind of waited for us to have this talk ever since my crash. Which is in a way ironic as it was thinking about everything a lot for the first time in my life actually made me hate Jazz for real, but a lot of it was pent up frustration that I just couldn’t vent. I was so close to asking you just what you are or were really feeling for him then, but I knew that it was too soon, that you simply needed more time to work things through and maybe realize a few things on your own. I knew that I’d have to be the one to steer conversation to that topic, but I’m kind of used to by now that any uncomfortable stuff ends up being my responsibility, I can deal with that."

Again she halts, and I still don’t know what to say. When that becomes obvious, she resumes.

"In a way I’m even glad he burst in on us today, because quite frankly, I think I would have gone insane any day now if I got any more frustrated."

Bella laughs a bit shakily, but her gaze remains trained on me.

"Before I get lost in my own not quite coherent thoughts, I think I should state a few facts that I’ve come to accept and know a while ago. First, I love you, and you love me. The kind of unconditional love that endures a lot, and if for whatever reason our relationship wouldn’t work out, it would very likely leave us both raw and hurting until the end of our lives."

Just her mentioning of that makes my stomach clench so much that it’s actually painful, but before I can speak up, she goes on.

"I can’t say when things between us changed from just being madly in love to this. I just know that the evening of the gala, when I came home with you, I made the promise to myself that I would fight with all I had to give this love between us a chance, that I would let it bloom and grow strong and endure forever if I could help it. I don’t think that anything can come between us from the outside, that it would take an active decision from either of us to end things to really break us apart. And I don’t see anything in the world right now that may come up that can do that. Certainly not that moron current curled up on our couch."

She allows herself a small smile then that seems at odds with her words at first, but as she goes on the sadness slowly leaks from her body.

"I’m not saying that I know that you ever had any feelings for him, or still have, because you’re the only one who knows whether that’s the case or not. But I want you to know that if you still do, I don’t feel threatened by that, nor would it be the end of my world if I’m not the only one you care deeply about. I have to admit, it’s not an easy thing for me to say, and I don’t think I could accept just anyone else, but Jazz is different. The

same as I didn’t mind having sex with him, possibly having him be more than just a friend to you doesn’t bother me all that much. I won’t push you to come to any conclusions or decisions or whatnot. If you need time, from my side you have all the time in the world. I’d just like to remind you that if the answer is yes, you still have feelings for him, and yes, you still want him, and yes, you’re glad that I so don’t mind threesomes and this bed is by far large enough for one more person to sleep in, you should probably not take another six months to realize that, because I think being left hanging like that will break him."

Bella keeps looking down at me for a while, before she crawls onto the bed until she’s crouching over me, her eyes so close to mine now that I nearly can’t focus on them anymore. Closing the distance between us, she kisses me, first with just her lips brushing against mine, then a deeper kiss with her tongue in my mouth and her fingers combing through my hair. For a while I just let myself get lost in the sensation, then bring my hands up over her thighs to her back until I can pull her as close to me as possible. She gradually shifts until she ends up lying on her side pressed against me, her lips never leaving mine.