Beautiful Disaster

lack of another word. She was there, she was comfortable with me having been part of it, she was joking like she always used to before Mike made her believe that there was something wrong with hanging out with your not-same-sex best friends, and I have to admit, having checked one more what-if off the list was kinda neat.

"And then the second time started out all right, but for whatever reason I couldn’t really shut down that voice inside my head that this was Bella we were doing all that to, and at the same time it made me feel kind of awkwardly guilty for enjoying teasing her so much, and …"

He trails off there, but for once I don’t feel like commenting myself. It takes a few moments until he resumes, his eyes again finding purchase on the tiles of the floor.

"I now know that you didn’t really hurt her. I’m sure you two did a lot very soon after that that made her scream louder and was more physically testing. But it was a very convenient excuse for me to latch onto that – I mean, it was Bella, and I needed to protect Bella, and saying I just got into your face because you didn’t take enough care was a hell of a lot easier than to say, hey, I actually really got off on seeing her writhe in real pain, and I want to do something like that, too – maybe not to her, but, who knows, if she’d want me to, why not? Just f**king her was so much less complicated, and it was something I could allow myself to feel good about.

And you really gave me an easy way out when you said that we didn’t have to add anything kinky to any future threesomes.

"And the third one was great again, nothing that made me feel uneasy, we clearly all enjoyed it, and the little spat you and Bells had afterwards was probably overdue anyway, I told myself."

Another pause, and this time I just have to ask again.

"Really nothing that made you uneasy about it?"

His eyes zoom to my face, and for the first time he looks amused when he chuckles.

"No. Might sound strange, but I’ve never felt weird about kissing you. Or f**king you. Or being f**ked by you. That part of my sexuality I own, and for whatever reason it’s petty much confined to you, if you’ve ever wondered. We’ve had sex, so what, that doesn’t make me g*y, nor would that really be an issue for me if it did."

"Fair enough."

My curt answer makes him snort,but then he sobers up rather fast.

"Still, I guess that’s not the whole truth. Or I don’t know, that part is hard to put in words because I’m actually not really good with sorting out emotions.

But something changed somewhere between our romp in the woods and the last threesome. I couldn’t explain it then, didn’t even really realize that something was going on besides a vague feeling of unease. I figured I just didn’t want it to end, because things were working really well with the dynamic we had established, it was all so comfortable and low maintenance, but at the same time so much more than just meaningless sex – and one thing I think I really regretted from the start was telling neither of you any of that.

"But on the other hand I was glad I didn’t. You both made it clear that for you, this was a final thing. I accepted that at first because, well, it was pretty obvious that Alice was once again willing to try something more permanent than a booty call and I really didn’t want to botch that. But when I watched you both how you were acting, I realized that you both actually didn’t want me in the picture anymore. Bella got all bored, and you did pretty much everything possible to stake your claim on her – and while the rational part of me was glad about that and could reason that it was a good thing so I wouldn’t feel I’d miss anything if things with Alice really worked out, it still hurt. And I didn’t understand why, didn’t want to understand why, and that somehow made me feel even more rejected."

All the while he has been occupied looking everywhere but at me, but for the last few sentences his gaze keeps seeking mine, and I really can’t read the look on his face. When nothing comes form me in reply, he finally goes on, but the words come slow, clearly reluctant.

"I pretty much felt like shit and couldn’t come up with a reason why. Then I tried f**king that frustration out of my system, but I didn’t even see the girls, nor did I care about what we were doing. And then I came home and Bella was sitting in the kitchen, and the way she looked at me, with so much revulsion and disappointment -"

A pained sigh follows.

"That was when something in me snapped, and this really f**ked up plan started building in my mind. Part of me still wanted to just tell you both that I wasn’t okay with this being the end, but I just couldn’t do that, so I kept telling myself that I had to do everything I could to make sure that I ended up with Alice. And you know that there are two things she can’t resist, being important, and being needed.

"It took three tries for me to even make it out of my room when I knew that now was the time I had to act. I was so locked in the conflict inside my head that I didn’t even consider that upset as you were about your issues at work, things might take a different turn. I knew I was playing on Bella’s insecurity with this but after the fight you had, I really thought she was over it and knew that she was everything for you, because to me it was so obvious that she was the only thing you cared about."

He swallows thickly for a moment as he goes on, and I can’t shake off the feeling that the last sentence holds more meaning than it seems.

"Anyway, it was disturbingly easy not to care about the fallout because in a way I wanted to hurt you both. For rejecting me, ignoring me, for simply putting me into this messed up state that I couldn’t handle. And I was so caught up in being glad I could pull the whole stunt off at first that I didn’t realize that I hadn’t just thrown you both off guard, but pretty much opened up a rift between you. Then you kicked me out and I already had Alice on speed dial, and things kept working smoothly for then. Of course she took me in, and I had to tell her something, and the truth wasn’t exactly an option. She also wouldn’t have believed me if I told her you were responsible for anything because quite frankly, in her eyes you still can’t do wrong. And I couldn’t exactly admit that I was a scheming, lying bastard, so Bella had to take the brunt. I knew Alice and she never really got to be close friends and I figured things would smooth over fast enough, but from there on everything turned towards the worst.

"Alice wasn’t amused with Bella finally growing up, and I was too stunned at first how readily she accepted what I told her to do damage control. Then we were at the gala, and things just kept snowballing and spinning out of control, and like a train wreck, I could just watch and think ‘oh shit’ all over in my head. But at the end of the day I went home with Alice, and except for a few rocky days I thought I had avoided the worst of the fallout and things were well all around soon again."

He falls silent then, and it’s obvious that this time he’s waiting for me to say something, but I can’t think of a good reply. Most of what he tells me isn’t that much of a surprise – at least not since my great revelation from my talk with Rose – but just reliving it all again leaves me rattled. And of course there’s that part about how our last threesome has made him feel that I really don’t know how to deal with. Part of me wants to apologize for being so blind. Part of me wants to call him a fool for not just saying something.

And the fact that while it really seems as if he never wanted to break us up, he still has just admitted to wanting to hurt us grates in a way I haven’t felt in a long, long time.

"Well, that’s pretty much it," he finally speaks up again. "You know, now would be a good time for a statement." When I remain silent he sighs, then rubs his face with his hands. "Guess I don’t deserve one. Either way, now you know my side of the story. And I hope that when I tell you now that I’m sorry about causing so much pain to everyone involved, that it’s the truth. I really didn’t think, not for a moment, that things could blow so out of proportions. If I could go back in time, I would tell myself to forget that insane idea the moment it came to my mind, and grow a pair and tell you guys that – I don’t know. I’m not happy with things ending like this. That while I want to be with Alice, I’m not sure that will ever work or is everything that I want. And -"