Beautiful Disaster

"No, I really think that you’ve grown up a lot these past months. Not that you’ve been acting all that immaturely before, but since you and Bella are together you’ve changed a little, for the better I believe."

"Gee, now you’re making me blush."

"I highly doubt that anything I could come up with will have that effect on you," she retorts, then angles towards one of the smaller paths leading to the duck pond.

"I’m sorry for how we’ve left. Guess that wasn’t quite that mature."

She snorts as if to say, "You think?", but leaves it at that.

"As I said, we don’t have to talk about that."

"Unlike my father I don’t shy away from a topic just because it makes me uncomfortable. And I don’t have anything to hide."

Acknowledging that with a nod, my mother doesn’t hesitate long to put that claim to the test.

"So is it true that you and Bella have welcomed Jazz back, and not just as a friend who stays over on the couch until he finds a new place?"

"You mean if we’ve had sex again? Yes."

I keep my answer to the point, mostly because I have no idea how much about that she even wants to know, but my reply doesn’t seem to surprise her.

"Before or after resolving your issues?"

The near playful lilt to her voice makes me grin, but I try to hide it.

"For the most part after."

"Well, good for you then."

I’m still a little wary of how well she’s taking that, but she picks up on it before I can ask any further. Stopping at the side of the path she waits for me to join her, then turns to face me, her gentle eyes holding my gaze captive.

"I’ve never had any problems with you having an interest in men, with or without Bella involved. As far as I’m concerned, you can sleep and live with whoever you want to. The only thing that counts for me is that you’re happy, Edward." She clucks her tongue when I try to speak up, and adds,

"Of course it was a little hard for me to process the news when I learned of it last summer, but I’ve had a lot of time to come to terms with it since then, and I’ve seen how unhappy you were for so long. It’s good to see you more like your usual self again."

I don’t know if I quite believe her, although I really want to, and my silence seems to speak volumes as she resumes talking quickly.

"I have to admit, there was a time when I wouldn’t have been that surprised if you’d one Sunday turned up on our doorstep and introduced Jazz as your boyfriend."

"You thought I was g*y?"

She shrugs.

"You should have heard yourself talk about him when you two met in your first week at college. Jazz this, Jazz that, all the things you’d done – it was hard not to take your enthusiasm at finally having a male best friend after spending years tagging after Alice as nothing more than that."

I wisely keep my tongue about what I remember never telling her, then I think about what she meant with what she just said. I have to admit, I’ve never quite been able to pinpoint the moment when my friendship with Jazz has become more than just that, but I know that back then it really has been just that.

As if she had read my mind, my mom shrugs.

"Anyway, I nearly forgot about that when you started talking twice as much about Bella, but in hindsight I think I haven’t been all that wrong. Either way, I was glad that you were finding new friends on your own, and I have to admit, after the introverted way you were acting through most of high school I was just glad that you were finally connecting with people more easily."

"Introverted, eh? Have you ever dealt with the usual bunch of fifteen year olds? I never knew what to talk with any of them. Plus they didn’t like me because I was too smart for them. And then they didn’t like me because they all thought that Alice’s friends were all over me, while they kept ignoring the other guys of the same grade."

She huffs, then gets a certain gleam in her eyes.

"Which reminds me, did Bella ever see the picture of when Alice and her friends dressed you up as a girl at her sixteenth birthday? You were so adorable! And pretty."

"Mom!"

"Ah, shut up, I’m sure neither Bella nor Jazz will ever dispute your masculinity. But it’s good to know that I’ve found a new thing to blackmail you with, should I need it."

I don’t comment on that, happy enough when she doesn’t mention what else she could be using to force me to act all nice and docile, but instead return to the previous topic.

"Was it really that obvious? About Bella I mean." A little in afterthought I add, "and Jazz."

She shrugs, a light smile playing around the corners of her lips.

"I guess a mother of a different child wouldn’t have noticed that much, but I’ve spent so many years worrying that you’d never find friends who you’d feel so comfortable with, who could be your intellectual equals and also share your interests and hobbies. Not that you were that much of an outcast, but at ever PTA meeting I saw anew that nearly none of the other parents knew you, and even the teachers didn’t seem to have found any connection to you. I was always hoping that things would change in college, and I still stay by my conviction that as long as you’re happy with your life, I am, too. Plus, you know that I’ve always liked Jazz a lot, and not just because of any speculations about what you two might be up to when you’re not showing your best behavior under parental supervision."

It’s a little scary to realize that my own mother has known all that for so long but never said a word, least of all anything to express any concern or displeasure. No wonder she’s taking the recent changes in stride.

We’re both fall silent for a little while, watching as a string of ducks crosses the pond, but as they don’t see us offering them any food they just pass us by.

"You know that if you need someone to talk to, I’m always here for you?

Also for topics that you might not want to discuss with your mother."

"Thank you, I appreciate that."

She nods, then regards me for a long time as if the more or less neutral look on my face would tell her all my secrets.

"Is there anything you would want to talk about right now?"

I shake my head, probably a little too fast, but she doesn’t pry. That’s one of the things I’ve always loved about her, that she never pushes, always waits patiently for people to come to her. And it’s a tactic that has never failed to work, if I remember all the things I’ve confessed over the years under that gentle, patient gaze of hers.

Chewing on the inside of my cheek I try to find the right words, then just blurt out what keeps racketing inside my head for the past hour.

"I just don’t understand how Alice could do this to us."

At first she shows no reaction, but when it becomes apparent that I’m disinclined to go on, she sighs.

"You know that I don’t like to take sides. It’s not my place, this is your problem, and you know that I see her like a surrogate daughter most of the time. But I have to admit that today it’s hard for me not to be cross with her."

"Cross?"

"Edward, I’m a woman beyond the age where she still has numbers on her birthday cake, of course I’m ‘cross’, not f**king mad or something like that.

I leave the expletives to you, they suit your well versed speech much better than me. But age and emotional distance might lend me a somewhat different point of view here."

Sighing, I rub my eyes.

"I know that she’s always hand a penchant for drama, but today, that was simply -" I want to say f**ked up, but then change my mind. "It wasn’t like the Alice I’ve known since before I grew a beard. She was mean and calculating, hostile when no one even provoked her, and deliberately hurtful. I kind of get why she’s mad at me, and while I think it’s a very low blow I see why she’d want to flaunt Nate in front of Jazz, but what I don’t understand is why she keeps attacking Bella. Bella never did anything to provoke her, and I’m still amazed that she didn’t bite Alice’s head off today."