Beautiful Disaster

Although it has only been a year, thinking back to a time when I couldn’t just walk up to Bella and kiss her, knowing that she felt the same for me as I did for her, is almost impossible to fathom now.

"She tried. Hard, I think, to live up to the standards she set for herself in her attempt to find her place in the world, only to realize she wanted the exact opposite of them. And did you lace my coffee with something? I sound like I’m reciting bad prose or something."

"Nope, that’s all you, my dear. And, as the medical professional of the two of us, you probably know better than I do that it hails from sleep deprivation and you being so full of yourself all the time."

I accept what is by her standards a gentle reprimand in silence. Her next question makes an answer to it unnecessary, anyway.

"Do you still beat yourself up over what you did? Your moment of weakness, probably the closest you’ll ever come to ‘cheating’ in your life?"

She even does air quotes with her fingers. I don’t even have to think very long about how to answer that.

"I’ll never stop trying to make it up to her, even if she already forgave me a long, long time ago. It helps that she agrees with me that what happened was in a way a catalyst for us to become what we are now, too."

"Yeah, it’s always convenient when in hindsight things just miraculously fall into place, and you can forget the months of whining in between."

"I didn’t whine that much!" I complain, then feel like bashing my head against the table when her toothy smile tells me I confirmed that yes, I did indeed whine.

"Okay. Yes, so maybe I have a certain penchant for drama queen behavior.

Someone has to be the girl in our happy little family after all," I gripe back in a vain attempt at damage control.

"So true. And you did a good job letting Bella find her backbone while you were losing yours. The lesson in humility certainly served you well, too. You can be an awfully cocky bastard when you want to be."

"Jazz usually says ‘insufferable,’ in case you were wondering."

Beth snorts, then briefly looks away before her eyes settle on my face again.

"How’s he coping with the whole situation? It can’t have been easy for him to come back on his knees, begging for forgiveness, when he’s even less inclined to show weakness than you are. Bella still isn’t convinced that he’s honest when he claims he doesn’t care about the things you do with and to her. You should know that."

"I know. She keeps nagging me about it. She doesn’t realize that, just like he had so many issues accepting that she grew up, she’s having the same problem accepting the changes in him. And yes, the fact that I sometimes feel like I’m loving a set of mirror images is weirding me out."

"Aw, come on. You can’t hold that against them. I’m not sure they even remember a time when they weren’t co-dependent on each other, and hating everyone who tried to keep them apart. Ever wondered just why Jazz seemed so happy when he talked you into jumping into the breach after Bella and that guy she was dating broke up, or why she hates that Alice girl so much? They kept Bella and Jazz apart while you just pulled them closer together again. If you ask me, anything short of loving and wanting to f**k them both would have forced you into a lot of uncomfortable and weird situations for the rest of your life, if you had just stuck with Bella."

I have to admit, I’ve never quite seen it like that, but as usual Beth is spot on. One might think that after the many wise conversations I’ve had with her, I should be used to it by now, but she will always remain my sage, no-nonsense mentor, in one way or another.

"Then I’m glad it only took me half a year to get my head out of my ass. It’s more fun having something else shoved up there anyway."

"You’re such a hopeless romantic! No wonder Bella and Jazz both fell for the amazingly sweet things you say!"

We both laugh at that, until companionable silence settles over us.

"Any chance that the three of you might want to come over for a scene or two any time soon? I can’t help but notice that whenever we talk about sex, Bella will sooner or later bring up the fact that she’s living in sausage-fest central with a dire lack of tits and cunt."

"You know I’m game for almost anything. You should also know that while Jazz would have no problem coming to a play party, I don’t really see him wanting to have to deal with anyone except Bella and me in closer contact.

He’s scared of you, even if that doesn’t make any sense, and I don’t think his confidence could take the extra scrutiny yet."

My remark makes her draw her forehead into a frown.

"You really think he’d be self-conscious just because I was around? He should know that I wouldn’t do anything to him or talk him into doing anything that he doesn’t want to do."

"I don’t think it’s that. It’s hard to explain, but he seems happy where he is right now. With us, included as an equal, loved and cherished, but without any responsibilities or anyone having any expectations of him. He obviously likes to top in a scene, but he doesn’t want to be a Dom, and I don’t think that will change much. You know that not all of us get off on having to care for someone else like that."

"Don’t even dare to speak another word. Last time I checked, I was the one telling you it was okay to be into power play but that it wasn’t necessarily a prerequisite, just like everything else. Different folks, different strokes, right?"

"Yes, Mistress."

I get an eye roll for that, and I’m disappointed when she doesn’t even try to slap me playfully. It’s moments like this when I miss what we had years ago. Try as they might sometimes, neither Bella nor Jazz will ever come even close to the way she made me feel when I was kneeling before her.

That is a different part of me and my life, over now, and I wouldn’t change what I have for the past, not even for one second.

"Speaking of things that don’t concern me but interest me terribly, how is Rose doing with her kid? Last time I called her she sounded incredibly tired, but I guess that’s to be expected."

"She’s doing okay, I think. Tired, yes. Happy to rant for hours about how everything falls to her and complain about how Emmett manages to shirk his duties at a father in the most heinous ways, yes, but you should see how she smiles whenever he’s home and carrying their kid around. They’re so sweet it makes my teeth ache."

Beth nods but I can tell she doesn’t buy my jibe, although she’s too good to rub it in that, contrary to the future mother of my children, I can’t wait for the day when Bella tells me she’s pregnant. I’ve never quite understood why.

Maybe it’s because part of me resents growing up without ever really knowing my father, despite eating breakfast with him four days a week for years, and I want the chance to do a better job of it. I know a couple of people I’m not related to or in love with who I like better than him. And it’s not like the relationship that my father and I have is any worse than what eighty percent of people have with their parents. It’s just not what I want with my own children.

"I guess I should go home now. Who knows what Bella and Jazz will come up with if I stay away too long? I wouldn’t put it past them to eat all the food or start drinking without me."

"That would really be such a shame."

We hug before I leave. The drive home is uneventful, the usual weekend traffic not yet in full swing. Leaving the boxes in the car for later, I just grab the two bags containing Bella’s plants, then walk up the path to the front door.

I don’t know why it even surprised me that just in time for our anniversary, my mother suddenly turned up on our doorstep, and taking a look around the living room of our condo proclaimed that it was really getting crowded.