Beautiful Disaster

"And of course she was right, but it nevertheless hurt like hell. Still hurts like hell."

Now I’m feeling like an ass for keeping my distance, but there’s still so much he hasn’t said that I don’t feel I can bring myself to reach out to him and show at least some compassion. When he looks at me again I see that he knows all too well how I feel, and when he goes on I know that we’ve finally reached the really important part.

"That all probably makes more sense when I explain the rest. All the things I wrote down on that notepad that I just couldn’t burn. The things Alice somehow picked up on without me ever having to tell her because despite of how much I thought she was living in a dream world of her own making, she knows me better than I know myself sometimes."

He exhales slowly as if to steel himself, then squares his shoulders.

"I was really surprised today when I asked Bella about the reason why she keeps acting so hostile towards me and she told me it was because of what I had said about you."

"That really surprised you? I remember telling you that myself," I grunt back. He frowns for a moment, then scratches his chin.

"Sure, but I figured her main reason behind it was that you’d finally told her how much of a f**king hypocrite I am, and that in that context she was angry at me for having said that. I still don’t get why you didn’t."

"I think you have to be a little more specific than that." Of course I know what he’s referring to, but I seem to develop an unhealthy amount of joy hearing him admit things that clearly make him uncomfortable. The brief glare I get from him in return underlines that he knows what I’m doing, but he doesn’t comment on my answering smirk.

"That you know very well just how much most kinky stuff doesn’t repel me. I mean, you were there, on many occasions, seeing me get a hard-on over a girl getting tied up and spanked. And except for the really heavy stuff, I helped you with plenty of that, long before Bella walked into our house that afternoon. I don’t think that she knew all that before I told her today."

"I guess it says something about the kind of guy I am that I don’t feel I need to tell the world about intimate things you never really had the guts to acknowledge yourself."

For a few seconds we both just stare at each other, the silence heavy between us, until he lowers his gaze, looking ashamed. My resolve to just told my tongue and not react to what he says crumbles then, maybe because my fight not to undermine my own integrity by telling Bella about all that has cost me so much for so long.

"Did you really think I didn’t know that all that was more for you than just an easy opportunity to get laid? I know you always pretended it was just that, but how does the saying go, like recognizes like? I know that you have a rather strong dominant streak, just as I know that there’s not a single submissive bone in you."

The way his shoulders tense is telling that my words get under his skin like few other things I’ve ever said to him, but when he looks at me again he’s surprisingly calm.

"I guess I knew that you knew, but that doesn’t mean that accepting the truth behind it was easy for me."

At that I can only laugh, and it’s a hard, humorless sound.

"Yeah, welcome to my world. Wanna know how much easier it gets when you have a best friend who gloats at you for it and tries to make the woman you love hate you for the way you are?"

It’s obvious that he wants to shout a retort back at me but his lips stay pressed together, as if he knows that there’s nothing he can say to defend himself. Which is probably the truth. Strangely, that newly gleaned knowledge does nothing whatsoever to ease the rage boiling in my guts, in fact it only leads to even more frustration.

Until suddenly, something else he said makes sense.

"She knows, doesn’t she? Alice knows. That’s what she meant with ‘You are just like him’ – she meant you’re just like me."

His loud, somewhat dejected sounding exhale is the only answer I get, but it’s not enough for me.

"Just what the hell did you do to her?"

"I did nothing!" he shouts back, clearly agitated. "Nothing more than I’ve done plenty of times with her before! Not that you really wanna know, because you still see her as the pure girl seeking love who doesn’t really have an interesting sex life -"

"Bullshit! I know she f**ks round just as much as you, and I’ve heard my fair share of details! I don’t give a flying f**k about what she does or what she likes, but I won’t stand by while you do your best to drive us even more apart!"

Jazz looks as if I’ve slapped him, then quickly backtracks.

"Sheesh, calm down! I never tried to make her hate you, that’s all her herself! The only thing I did was hold her down somewhat while I kissed her neck and shoulders and did my best to get her all worked up for some doggie style, I really don’t think that anyone can say with a straight face that any of that is even remotely kinky."

He pauses, then goes on, clearly trying to sound calm again.

"I don’t think she cares either way what Bella and you do. She just doesn’t want me to be that way, and as I obviously am, she decided to ditch me. In a way that’s even fair of her to cut me loose if she thinks she’s holding me back or something, but I tried telling her that while yes, the physical side of BDSM appeals to me, I have no interest in doing any of that with her if that’s not her thing, nor will I miss it, because I want to be with her because I love her, not because we had the best sex two people can ever have together. Yet clearly me holding anything back or putting her wishes over my own makes me a lying pushover, and if I don’t do that she doesn’t like what else could appeal to me. Either way I’m f**ked, and she’s off to greener pastures. Happy now?"

"Why should any of that make me happy?"

Jazz doesn’t answer, then shakes his head.

"Anyway, losing my trek here. Although quite frankly, this is not a very easy conversation to have with you."

"So sorry I’m not exactly forthcoming with pity and understanding that you never showed to me."

Even before the words are out I know that I sound like a petulant boy again, but for whatever reason he just brings that side out of me. So I try to battle down my anger and purge the hint of satisfaction from my voice, and try again.

"Just talk, and I’ll try not to make an ass of myself in turn, okay? This is dragging on enough as it is."

It’s kind of funny to watch how he’s still surprised that I’m able to act at least remotely civil, but then he goes on as if the whole flinging of accusations hasn’t just happened.

"You know, the first threesome with Bella, that was really just sex for me. I don’t think I really even saw her as herself – I mean, to me she’ll always be something very close to my little sister who I have to protect, and although I know that she’s grown up now and quite the force to be reckoned with if she wants to, it took me a long time to really catch on to the change she went through."

"No kidding."

"Hey, didn’t you just tell me to talk?"

"But I didn’t say I wouldn’t comment on idiotic things you’d say," I retort.

He lets out a somewhat agitated breath.

"Whatever. That day that wasn’t Bella to me, because as much as I was always curious about how it would be to have sex with her, my image of Bella didn’t even overlap with the beautiful, sexual being kneeling before you with her hands tied behind her back while she sucked you off. She wasn’t just any other girl, either, but there was nothing in me that had any reservations about what we did. And afterwards it all felt so right, for the